Cheating: Triangulation Phenomenology Outside View

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Lovers are of two kinds. Some - to save. Others - to destroy.

It's about the emergence of a third in a stable and long-term relationship with monogamous agreements.

I don’t know exactly how it happens that they end up in one or the other "basket". Probably, they talk about this well at trainings like: "How to win a man in 90 days?", "How to attract a man according to the rules and without?" etc. * Google examples.

The third in a relationship does not appear by chance. When it is pleasant and harmonious in them (in extreme cases, mature), there is simply no place for others. Therefore, all these torn hair "for their man" and broken faces "for their woman" only intensify the drama, and do not solve the problem. Some leave - others appear. If it's not about deviation, the solution is always between the two.

The third is included in a relationship when too much energy accumulates in them, and it is impossible to place it. Triangulation is attracting a third person into a relationship, when there are so many anxieties that a conflict in a couple can not only be realized (and this is scary), it can splash out into an uncontrollable form. Lovers pull off some of the anxiety, stabilizing the system. It is clear that in this case they serve to discharge. It is important that the conflict about treason turns out to be less dangerous than the sound one.

Triangulation isn't just about lovers. During periods of great shake-up, friends, children, parents, psychologists, social workers, lawyers, etc. are involved in the relationship of the two. They are drawn in, take on some of the energy and are pushed back. The system comes to a state of calm. True, it is temporary, since this method tends to be chronicled.

Accordingly, lovers are here, only a support for the shaken family system. Hence, “he has promised to come to me for three years now,” “let the children grow up a little,” “I cannot leave, he’s not earning money now,” and so on. The unhappy lover himself does not notice how he becomes an important member of the family. It turns out to be a good, stable emotional triangle.

And the search begins when, who, with whom and where.

The wife is jealous of her mistress, the mistress is jealous of her wife.

Husband meets lover for male conversation etc.

Such lovers do not destroy families. And they don't leave their families.

The deceived partner only seems like a victim. His contribution to the emergence of the third is almost the same. It is known that if at least one element strives for maturity, it sets the entire system in motion. And changes it. Therefore, one person who comes to therapy rebuilds the life of the whole family.

If it has a resource for this.

And it also happens that relations between people no longer exist, but whether due to immaturity or fear of loneliness, they cannot end them honestly and directly. Then, for this, again, a third party is used. Someone cheats, another “accidentally” reads the correspondence, this results in scandals, disappointments, resentments, and the system ceases to exist. The one who has changed often goes to the one with whom. Much has been written about whether this is good or bad (mostly, which is bad, of course). In this sense, I like the phrase "a well-buried previous relationship is a guarantee of healthy future." I think to go through the stages of parting, mourning, loneliness, etc. important before moving on. But the trick here is that people go through some of these stages while still in a relationship. And the break only marks the end of the emotional process.

When a partner finds out about cheating, disgust appears. Naturally, few people enter into a serious relationship pristine, but in the process, some kind of specific immunity appears. When cheating occurs, the other feels literally dirty. Such a vile feeling, to which the question "why" is mixed?

All these fantasies about an outsider, about what happened and how it happened, rush through my head. Disgust is connected to resentment (the essence of anger), and along with pain. Man tortures himself with these fantasies. Usually, they are brighter than reality, but this does not make it easier.

In this case, the main suffering comes from betrayal.

Publicly or not, an agreement is concluded between the partners - no one else, as long as there is "we". As if a capsule with two inside is formed. And they rely on this agreement. This means that you can count on the partner he guaranteed. He chose and recognized me as a unique person for himself.

Treason destroys this arrangement. The person feels betrayed in something very intimate. And this is painful.

They say there are couples who agree on what is possible. True, maybe there is, I was told. But of those that I have met, more often one pushes his will, and the other only agrees. As for me, the classic of codependent relationships. Only aggravated.

There is such a common question, to which everyone answers in their own way: if I find out that someone is cheating, is it worth talking about it to his or her partner?

And if cheating occurs in a couple of friends?

Or in the family of a child?

For myself, I decided - not worth it.

The fact that one of the partners is cheating is evident. And everyone around them sees it, except for the “injured” side. And if she, this side, prefers not to notice, it is better to leave her in the dark.

I have a whole bunch of stories when someone else's intimate parts of the body are almost waving in front of a partner, but he … nope, does not see. People know how not to notice the condoms falling out of the suitcase, not to smell the perfume and not understand that working until the morning several times a week is not a sign of bad "time management". Obviousness and intuition are muffled. And a person has his own reasons for this.

It is not known in what period he is. What if there is no willingness to accept reality yet? Suddenly, it takes time to get stronger, gain courage, build a career, raise children … and then it won't be so scary? It's worth giving this time. Consciously or not, a person chooses so.

Plus, triangulating into someone else's relationship without asking is not a rewarding experience. You will pull off a part of the tension that has accumulated between people (that is, you will get it in full), and they will somehow come to an agreement - the family is the same. Or not. But you will definitely get it.

You shouldn't make life-determining decisions for other people. They are adults, they can handle it themselves.

And yes, in my opinion, it is obvious that infidelity is not a question of gender. Both men and women cheat with equal success. I even think that the measure of social punishment has already leveled off.

I know a number of both completely monogamous and polygamous men. And this, by the way, has little to do with their commitment to family, wife or partner. Polygamous people, for example, can treasure their family very much and kiss their wife on the arms and legs. At the same time, they have such a need for additional sensations. I don't know if this is good or bad. But it's definitely a stressful way of life.

I also know both monogamous and polygamous women. Interestingly, they have the ability to migrate.