2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Unlike games in the traditional sense, designed to entertain and amuse its participants, psychological games deliver mostly negative emotions: anger, despair, sadness, indignation, irritation.
In contrast to conscious manipulative strategies (when I play a role, seeking to obtain a benefit known to me), psychological games take place outside of awareness.
The game has a clear structure, there is no place for spontaneity. Under an imaginary microscope, you can observe a certain sequence of interactions leading to a predictable ending.
Psychological play is the opposite of emotional closeness.
So why do people play psychological games instead of openly expressing their needs and feelings? Given the unconscious nature of the game, the question “why?” Is more likely addressed to the complex human psyche, which, resorting to such sophisticated forms of behavior, clearly pursues some goals.
Let's take a couple for example: Ivan and Maria have been dating for over a year, but have not yet lived together. Ivan is constantly trying to convict the girl of infidelity, he can call her in the middle of the night to check if she is at home. He instantly interprets the unanswered call as confirmation of his fears. Tired of the constant groundless claims and attempts to catch her, Maria is ready to break off the relationship.
In this pair, quarrels based on jealousy occur over and over again and are played out according to the same scenario. On a superficial, social level, Ivan points out a certain “mistake” of Mary and demands satisfaction, and she is justified. On a deep, psychological level, they exchange hidden messages that reflect their beliefs about themselves, about others, about the world in general.
Social level of communication:
And - “You haven't answered the phone for a long time, why is this happening again? Who were you with?"
M - “I was in class and turned off the sound for this time. You have no reason to doubt me"
Psychological level:
And - “Yeah, I got caught. I know that no one can be trusted, and neither can you"
M - "All men are tyrants"
In game interaction, the psychological level is of paramount importance, it is he who determines the subsequent denouement of the "play". Another essential element of the game is switching, changing roles.
If at first Ivan acts as an attacker (Persecutor), and Maria acts as a defender (Victim), then after a while, having accumulated resentment and tired of the tyranny of a young man, the girl can angrily slam the door and leave. Thus, they will switch roles, and Ivan, in the position of the Victim, will lament that “she left me too, I knew that trust is fraught with danger”.
Further, players can experience confusion and embarrassment, trying to understand what it was, and why this happens to them over and over again, and in the final everyone receives a payback in the form of unpleasant but familiar feelings - disappointment, anger, sadness or depression.
Eric Berne described the sequence of interactions in a psychological game in the form of a formula:
Hook + Bite = Reaction → Toggle → Embarrassment → Payback
What are the players' winnings?
And yet, what is the positive result of the psychological game, why is the human psyche starting all this?
The game makes us feel unpleasant but familiar. The key word here is familiar, painfully familiar. Thus, the game gives predictability to communication. We all need structure. Before structuring our life and pastime, we give the structure to our feelings, thoughts, beliefs. We separate "black" from "white", we minimize the chaos of this world. The psyche strives for a state of balance, homeostasis, and games do an excellent job with this function.
Taking root in our childhood, play reproduces our relationships with significant adults and, as a result, gives us a sense of stability and security. Losing familiar patterns, the psyche seems to be hoping for a solution to the child's problematic situation. But this is definitely an illusion.
Let's analyze the additional advantages of the game for Ivan:
- The game maintains intrapsychic stability, allowing Ivan to abstract from childhood painful experiences. It is quite possible that, turning to them, he would feel abandoned, lonely, unloved, as he felt in his parental family;
- The game allows Ivan to escape reality to some extent, as well as true intimacy. Paradoxically, emotional closeness may well awaken anxiety, which is difficult for him to cope with;
- Play is a powerful source of so-called strokes, albeit negative ones. On an unconscious level, Ivan feels that he is receiving attention from his girlfriend. Perhaps, as a child, he lacked positive “stroking”, so now he could safely say “but at least I’m so noticeable”. This is an extremely significant factor, because to maintain mental balance, we all need the attention of other people;
- The game provides Ivan with a "theme" to communicate with his girlfriend. They often quarrel, emotions go off scale, then a temporary reconciliation occurs. The emotional swing creates the illusion of a pseudo-intimate relationship;
- The game also provides Ivan with material for discussion in the men's company. He may complain that "these women cannot be trusted, just listen …";
- The game confirms Ivan's position in life - "Something is wrong with me, I am not worthy of love"; Most likely, he plays his favorite game not only with Maria;
- The benefits of psychological games from the point of view of human survival as a species is to train resistance to stress. Every time Ivan finishes the game, he experiences painfully habitual disappointment and frustration, this is perceived by the body as microstress, and the more there are, the higher the immunity to emotional discomfort.
And, nevertheless, with all the abundance of advantages, psychological games can hardly be called a successful "choice" of the psyche. Games limit our behavioral repertoire and alienate us from ourselves and from other people.
If desired, it is quite possible to replace games with a more pleasant interaction. The first step on this path is to become aware of your play patterns.
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