LOVE INNER CHILD

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Why are the orders of the soul and family values different? What is this conflict for? Inside a person is the love of a child. From birth, a child is attached to his family, its values, foundations, orders. This devotion, the feeling of belonging to the family for the child is love. There is no conflict. Everything happens for love! For the sake of his loved ones, the little creature is ready for anything. The child is ready to pay with his health, well-being, happiness and even life. For the sake of belonging to the family, the child is ready to sacrifice. Such love sometimes tries by self-sacrifice to protect a loved one from troubles, illnesses, failures, death. But this is impossible. Children's love strives for the unattainable, for the illusion. The goal of such love is unrealistic and leads to more pain, misery and tragedy. This childish pure, naive love, commitment to their family system remains with a person for life.

Without realizing it, an adult already sacrifices himself, his life for the good of loved ones. The love of a child remains inside an adult. But, having matured, a person, having discovered childish love in his life, has the opportunity to revise this program. He can realize the fact that he cannot defeat the misfortunes, troubles, illnesses and death of his relatives with his sacrifice. It is worth accepting and agreeing with it. The love of the inner child can mature, find another creative solution and, if still possible, change what leads to misery, loss and death.

For example, for a child, love for his parents is “to be like them”, “to live like a mother”, “to become like a father”. And these attitudes remain for life. The bond between a person and one of his parents is especially strong when the latter is rejected. Children unconsciously want to be like the rejected father or mother. That is why many, unwittingly, repeat in adulthood what they denied in their parents. When a daughter or son says, “I will never be like my father,” “I will never do like my mother,” for some reason they do just that. A rejected parent is an excluded parent. It is with the excluded parent that the child is bound for the rest of his life. By rejecting his parent, he can never truly separate from him. Having married, such a person will still internally look at the rejected parents, being only half present in his young family.

In fact, there is no conflict. We are loyal to our family. We support family values. We follow family rules, we are attached to them. We are influenced by the orders of the soul. From this, our destiny is formed, to which we belong. And it is in this fate that the opportunity for growth and change is already laid. Anne Anselin Schutzenberger writes about this: “It is safe to say that in our life we are less free than we think. However, we can win back our freedom and avoid repetition by understanding what is happening, being aware of these threads in their context and complexity. Thus, we will be able to finally live our life, and not the life of our parents, or grandparents, or, for example, a deceased brother whom we “replaced”, sometimes without even realizing it."

The goal of working on yourself or with a therapist is to find a solution, not just a cause. It is necessary to immediately get rid of illusions to solve all life problems with one consultation, reading a book or one seminar, training. The first meeting with a therapist or participation in distance training is only the first step in your growth, in your development. A therapist or distance training is only a mediator between a person and his or her decision. K. Whitaker wrote: “I have to push them to grow. It's not my business to tell them how they should grow. They must discover their formula for growth … You cannot tell them how to get closer to reality, but you are only able to contribute to the process of personal interaction in which you participate with them … Family growth is not at all because the therapist is something that does for them. It is not the family or the therapist, but the family and the therapist set the family mechanism in motion."

Each person has an internal image of existing relationships in their family system. The image of our family is a kind of scheme of existing relationships between family members. In this image, the problems faced by the family are encrypted. In working with a therapist on a problem, it is important to see, understand, accept the existing image - this is the first step. The second step is to find a solution, to change the disorderly, sometimes destructive, image into a creative one. The third step is to make a new decision, to give it the opportunity to act in real life. A person does not need to try to change his family members, to prove something to them, to explain something. He himself needs to accept a new permissive image. This does not mean that other family members should not see a therapist or receive distance training. On the contrary, it is good when several members of the same family system are ready to start looking for a solution. But this is a voluntary choice of everyone. Coercion is inappropriate here. As Thomas Kempis said: "Do not be angry that you cannot make others the way you would like them to be, because you cannot make yourself the way you would like to be." The problem of a person is always within his power. Even in severe cases, when a resolving image cannot be found, no one, except the person himself, will be able to solve his problem. Whatever the final result is - this is the fate of a person, and only he can understand, accept and come to terms with it. In such cases, a new productive solution will come over time.

The new image triggers changes in the person himself. He perceives his place in the family, his destiny, his family members differently. His position towards family members and towards the current situation is different. If in a family something changes in one of its members, then the whole family system cannot remain unchanged.

Natalia came to the consultation because of a strained relationship with her mother. From her point of view, her mother did not give her the opportunity to start a family, she was jealous of men, threw mud at them, said that they would leave her. So this time, too, she was negatively disposed towards Andrei, with whom Natasha met for about a year. Young people were going to get married. Natalia's mother was divorced for a long time, did not seek to create relationships anymore, she treated men with contempt. Natasha left the consultation after the reasons for this behavior in her mother were found and we jointly found a solution to this problem. A month later, Natasha called and said that recently, on her birthday, her mother suddenly said: “You know, loneliness is hard. Andrey is a good guy. Marry him. Natasha was surprised to hear such words from her mother. But she was even more struck by the fact that her mother did not look like she always did, her expression was unusually gentle and kind.

The solution to a person's problem always depends on him, and not on the rest of his family. At the initial stage, it is worth moving away from past failures, abandoning accusations of mistakes. In the past, you have done what you thought was necessary, based on the values of the family. Receiving information about the actions of the orders of the soul, a person understands that past decisions were not always correct. But we all go our way. Everything has its time. The steps that we took in the past are stages in our life path, the acquisition of experience. And it is this experience that is also needed in the future. It was he who now brought us to this point in our life, after which another period will follow. Nothing was in vain. Nothing was superfluous in life.