2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Do I love my mom?
This is one of the fundamental questions that a person approaches when going through his psychotherapy.
Usually, from this moment, internal growth and the process of psychological separation of the child from the parents begins to take place.
This is when “I love my mother” ceases to be an indisputable fact, as a given, in which a person believes throughout his life.
May I love my mom who had to be removed from the noose and stool instead of the ice cream park.
Can I love my mom, who is hysterical for another unhappy love, instead of asking how I'm doing at school.
Can I love my mom, who takes the bottles from my dad and makes me run away from home in the middle of the night and does not notice me at all.
Can I love my mother, who suffers beatings, but does not leave her stepfather, endangering our lives.
Can I love my mother, who chose vodka instead of me …
Can I love my mother, who chose her depression and illness, and not our joint walks.
Can I love my mom, for whom my own shame is more important than my desires..
Can I love my mother, who has always manipulated me, causing shame and guilt in me, so that I would be comfortable for her.
Can I love my mother, who acted selfishly, covering up her actions with love for me.
Can I love my mom, who was covering up and controlling me while she called it care..
These are scary questions for a child. For a child, even if he is already 40 and 50 years old. This is a very mature question. A question that casts doubt on one of the main public stereotypes. Do I really love my mom?
And this question is very important, because it legalizes anger and various other difficult feelings towards mom.
From that moment on, feelings for mom cease to be so unambiguous, one-sided and flat. As if you no longer have to walk with a banner in your hands "I love you, mom", while inside feeling emptiness and a "black hole".
Many difficult feelings for my mother begin to appear, which I am very ashamed to admit even to myself.
It turns out that you can be very angry with your own mother and you can even hate her for the pain caused.
It turns out that mom can be very ashamed and blamed for the way she was with me.
It turns out that mom can be disrespected and even despised at some point.
It turns out that you can take offense at mom.
It turns out that next to your mother you can feel your powerlessness and fear.
It turns out that being around mom can feel very insecure and hurt.
Yes, a lot more turns out …
Seeing my attitude towards my mother, such a different and complex composition, my mother ceases to be unequivocally “good”, and at this moment I cease to be unequivocally “bad” next to her. (not grateful enough, not loving enough, not caring enough, not frank enough, etc.).
Allowing our mother to be so "different", we allow ourselves to be so "different". The world ceases to be black and white. Reality ceases to be flat. Life becomes very complex and ambiguous. And the relationship to my mother is more sincere and deep.
And legalizing in ourselves all feelings in relation to our own mother, we are faced with the fact that love, in fact, is not at all what we are used to thinking about her.
And love is so difficult it turns out to be. And how many different feelings and even hatred are in this love.
The question of whether I love my mother disappears somewhere. For some reason, it doesn't pop up anymore.
Is it possible to experience so many different charged feelings for someone and not love?
Yes, of course I love my mom. But now it’s an adult, real love. Love without rose-colored glasses.
Love for mom ceases to be an introject, a social stereotype, a given.
Now love for mom is a choice.
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