Internal Conflict: Fight Or Obey?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The symptom can be distinguished from the flexibility and spontaneity in its regular recurrence. Monotony, no matter the circumstances. For example, if in childhood I did not have enough recognition by my parents for my successes, then in order to feel significant, I will devalue the merits of others. I will not be completely satisfied, but for 1-2 minutes I will feel better, so as not to suffer from envy of the success of another. And this strategy will manifest itself regularly, when in my field of vision, in accordance with my system of values, someone is successful.

The basic needs for OPD-2 (Operationalized Psychodynamic Diagnostics) that create internal conflicts are the need for dependence and individuation; in control and subordination; in care and self-sufficiency; in recognition and adequate self-esteem; the need to take responsibility, to experience a healthy sense of guilt; the need to be attractive to the opposite sex; the need to understand your identity.

We can be torn apart by conflicting desires: on the one hand - attachment to someone, on the other - the desire to be independent; on the one hand, to control the situation, on the other hand, to obey; on the one hand, look for the guilty, on the other, blame yourself for everything; on the one hand, to feel at their best, on the other hand, to “fall through” into self-abasement and a feeling of their incompetence; feel in different social roles and feel discomfort from their conflicting presentations.

In accordance with these contradictions, the question arises: who am I? and what (oops) I really am?

We crave taking care of ourselves and at the same time, we can refuse the offered care, showing it too intrusively sometimes towards our loved ones. We can feel our importance only when we devalue, humiliate another. On the one hand, we strive to defeat a competitor, but on the other hand, we are afraid of offending him.

In order to learn to interact relatively without conflict with oneself and others, one should better understand these internal conflicts and remain in the zone of harmony, without "falling over" in one direction or another.

For the formation of a relatively objective self-image, high-quality feedback from others plays an important role

In the Effective Stress Management groups, I, as the leader of the group, help generate just this kind of feedback. In addition to information about stress, methods of stress management, bringing internal conflicts to the level of awareness, group members learn to talk about themselves and their feelings, learn to listen and understand others when they talk about their experiences, as well as separate their feelings from others.

How do internal conflicts affect relationships with others?

We need to understand that in most cases, when communicating with another, we communicate with our idea of this person. We form his image intrapsychically, using our previous experience of interacting with significant adults in our childhood. And what kind of relationship we had with our parents, what kind of relationship we observed between adults and constitutes our idea of a possible relationship until we realized and received a different experience of relationships.

In the article "Loneliness - Attachment" I described the opposite needs of each person for attachment and autonomy.

The next need is the need to control oneself, others, and the world

The well-known and authoritative psychoanalyst of the 20th century, Karen Horney, in her books "Neurosis and Personal Growth", "Intrapersonal Conflicts" writes that the concept of basal anxiety is formed in childhood, when the environment in which the child develops is not psychologically healthy enough, i.e.the needs of the child mentioned above were not met. In order to somehow cope with anxiety, a child develops the following behavioral stereotypes: he either clings, sticks to one of the parents (more often to his mother), or shows aggression towards the same environment (fights with him), or moves away from communication, moves away from others. In an internal conflict, submission - control, a strategy of domination, aggression towards the environment is used. At one pole of the conflict, a person will argue until his opponent refuses further proceedings, at the other pole he will agree with everything that will be said, but of course, this is only external submission and submission.

We need both the first and second positions for an adequate response to environmental changes. We are talking about an unhealthy, neurotic manifestation when a person chooses one of the positions for all situations, regardless of the context. Unconsciously making a childish immature decision sometime, he moves away from reality and from himself.

In order to cope with stress and anxiety, we must feel and understand that we can at least control something. In order to relieve anxiety, you need to learn, on the one hand, to control, for example, your time, your child, your needs, but on the other hand, once and for all, accept the fact that in some part we cannot control either our day or our health, nor their children. It simply does not depend on us, whatever we do.

Origin of the conflict

How harmoniously and flexible we are able to meet this need for control and submission comes from our parental families. The inability to weaken control and, as a consequence, the background state of anxiety and hyperresponsibility is born in a family where there were too many family traditions, myths, prohibitions, rigid attitudes. There was no lightness or flexibility. The child's opinion was not taken into account. Expressions of their point of view were suppressed at the root and not listened to. "We've all done this, they've always done this, and it's not for you to change our orders!"

In a parental family, such a child most likely felt helpless before the authority of adults. There is a possibility that he dreamed of becoming an adult himself faster and, finally, to manage, indicate, give orders. As soon as he becomes an adult, he will automatically receive the right to rule. But this, of course, does not happen only due to the fact that he has matured physiologically

How does this conflict manifest in a relationship?

Often when communicating with a person whose leading conflict is a conflict of submission - control, irritation will arise, sometimes turning into strong anger.

Irritation can arise both from his excessive fussiness, meticulousness, excessive detailing, and from the fact that he can promise and forget, too delay some process. He may not seem to argue, agree with all comments and recommendations, requests, but in every possible way sabotage the execution process. He will be late, fail to meet deadlines, and make ridiculous mistakes. At the same time, he will admit his mistakes, but admit them again and again. Or be late, or delay or forget. You can either express your irritation over and over again, which will not lead to the desired changes, or spit on this matter and try to accept it "as it is." But, it was not there: he himself will focus attention on his "punctures", forcing you to somehow react to them. This is his way of controlling you in your relationship with him. This is a manifestation of conflict at the pole of submission. The manifestation of passive aggression.

Management skills are necessary to interact with the world, but these skills must be adequate. It should not be either blind obedience, with irritation and anger inside; no position - if not me, no one will cope with it, while inside there is a strong anxiety that if they argue with you, then you are defeated, defeated, destroyed, then you are no more …

How does conflict manifest in life?

An overcontrolling person - a disputant strives for power and material wealth (not the fact that he gets it, but considers it the main thing in life), choosing both the social environment and professions in order to get material wealth. Material wealth is the ability to manage. The one who pays calls the tune. The desire to dominate, to have prestige, to acquire expensive things, of course, is not a pathology in itself. The healthy and neurotic pursuit of well-being may look the same on the outside. The difference will be in satisfaction with the result with healthy aspiration and dissatisfaction and disappointment in neurotic aspiration. There will also be different motives. A healthy desire to receive material benefits is motivated by the manifestation of one's strengths, the development of one's abilities and talents. A neurotic desire to create material well-being in order not to experience anxiety, to be calm (s). In other words, a healthy desire for power is born of strength, neurotic - from weakness.

Conflict psychotherapy

Psychotherapy of such a conflict includes working out aggression, bringing passive aggression to a conscious level and gaining experience to express one's position or disagreement with the position of another in socially acceptable ways. An important factor, in my opinion, is the awareness of the reasons for the formation of the conflict, and the observation of exactly how the poles of the conflict manifest themselves in attitudes towards oneself, life, and others. An equally important component of therapy is the skills of a qualitatively new safe communication, which makes it possible to revise beliefs about behavioral strategies, supplement them with new ones, and use one or another behavioral strategy depending on the situation and conscious goal.

If we talk about the transformation of a personality from neurotic to healthy, then:

- the one who agrees with everything must learn to state his position and withstand the possible dissatisfaction of the other. Avoiding any conflict leads to an inability to pursue a career, to satisfy one's healthy ambitions in improving social status, quality of life, and self-realization. Time after time, gaining the experience of constructive communication, this person acquires the necessary resource for him for the intrapsychic processing of the conflict, for withstanding the tension of conflict;

- the one who argues must come to the realization that a constructive conflict is aimed, first of all, at solving a work problem and does not pose a threat to his personality.

The article lists some of the main, in my opinion, markers of control-submission conflict in accordance with OPD-2.