2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
You have probably heard that feelings must be expressed, they cannot be kept in oneself, but on the other hand, feelings hurt, you cannot respond with aggression to aggression. They also write that aggression is an important part of a relationship. What about all these contradictions?
Of course, feelings need to be expressed, but which ones? The expression of some makes us closer, others further. This will be the final part of the article, but first, let's figure out what anger is and what aggression is.
Aggression is the act of causing harm - verbal or physical. Anger is a feeling that can be expressed in a variety of ways, such as aggression. Moreover, aggression is, to put it mildly, not the best way to express anger.
So, aggression, I repeat, is an action aimed at inflicting verbal or physical harm. If we rank various aggressive actions on a conditional scale from 1 to 10, then the most severe forms of physical aggression up to murder will be on the conditional “ten”, somewhere on the “five” there will be a transition from verbal to physical aggression in the form of pushing. In the range from one to four points, there will be the most frequent "arsenal" in relationships, which depends on the resourcefulness, sophistication and knowledge of your partner / spouse / spouse: irony, ironic questions, sarcasm, banter, "well …", generalizations - "here all of you are like that ", comparisons -" you are like your father "," and your mother cooks better ", rolling eyes, antics, raising your voice, shouting, unsolicited advice, silence, ignoring - one of the most terrible types of aggression, then I will explain why, insults, screaming..
Many, having seen some of the components of this list, will be surprised - what's the big deal? And the truth is - in verbal aggression, a lot depends on perception - something can hurt less, something more. Therefore, some researchers believe that verbal aggression cannot be fully considered aggression, there is only physical aggression, in which harm is clearly and clearly inflicted. But, should we not know what exactly is the best way to hurt a person close to us, how to "hook" him, what pain points he has? Of course, it happens the other way around - what we perceive as aggression, in fact, was not meant to be aggression - we stepped on our own "trigger". Then you should find out "Why are you telling me this now" or "what do you mean?"
Aggression can serve the purpose of regulating the emotional state. You shout at someone and it immediately becomes easier. In aggressive behavior, sex and sports, endorphins are released - they give a sense of meaningfulness in life. Naturally, such a way of regulating the state in the long term is dysfunctional - relations deteriorate, which makes them resort to aggression again, which again worsens the relationship and the cycle closes.
In this case, aggression acts as a screen behind which completely different emotions are hidden - sadness, longing, anxiety, fear, sadness … Aggression becomes coping - a way to cope with difficult emotions, which we will talk about below.
Now about anger, again, anger is a feeling that can be expressed. Very often we express anger through aggression. But it can also be expressed, for example, by the words: "I am now angry with you because of …". Say that instead of "you're a goat." "You are a goat" - this is aggression, it is an insult, about a "C" on a ten-point scale. In the case of an insult, anger still remains, but in the case of expressing anger in words, it can disappear. In any case, the expression of anger is less conducive to the escalation of aggression - increasing the "score" of aggression in a quarrel - when the interlocutor responds to irony of one point with sarcasm by two points, followed by an insult by three points, and so on up to seven to eight points.
Anger is a feeling that is necessary in order to protect something, something important. What are we protecting? What are we afraid of losing? A person is a social being, for whom the most important thing is another person, closeness with him, affection. From the very childhood, the little man forms affection with his parents - in order to get a sense of security, tranquility, “safe haven”. When a child is offended, abandoned, ignored, the child feels fear. Most of all, he wants to return the connection, closeness with his parents. As we grow up, we form a bond, an intimacy with a partner / spouse / spouse. The quality of this connection becomes the most important. It is important for a person in a couple to be needed, useful, significant, loved, and respected. In the absence of all this lies the greatest fear - the loss of relationships, intimacy, affection. It is these feelings that are the reason that we get angry with a partner when it seems to us that we are not significant, not important, not loved by him. Anger arises in order to protect, to correct the most important thing for us. Therefore, anger is always a secondary emotion, the primary emotion of attachment to a partner. Behind any insult that causes anger, there is a loss of some meaning in the eyes of the partner.
Anger / aggression may be the only way to get a response from your partner. Find and watch a video of the experiment where the mother stops responding with facial expressions to the child's actions, her face seems to freeze - like a mask. What happens to the child - at first he tries to intensify his gestures in order to regain her reaction, he becomes afraid that they do not react to him, it is unsafe, he wants to restore attachment. That is why ignorance in a relationship is one of the worst forms of aggression. Anger can be one of the ways to get a reaction back, get a response, any response is better than ignoring. Behind the scream, anger and aggression, there is probably a fear that the partner leaves, abandons, is indifferent, the connection with him is lost.
So anger is a secondary emotion. The primary emotion is another, which indicates the loss of connection with an important loved one, anxiety, because the connection is broken. We feel insecure when it seems to us that we are not important, that we are not appreciated, that we are not needed, that we are not important to someone. Fear appears inside, and we strive to return the connection, sometimes with anger. Next to anger, there is always a primary emotion that causes it.
Therefore, it is more important to express not a feeling of anger, but primary emotions that are deeper than anger, to which anger is a reaction, a consequence. And it is more important to say not “I’m angry with you”, but “I feel that I am not important to you, and because of this I’m scared”, not “You infuriate me,” but “when you say these words it seems to me that you are not you appreciate me, and you do not need me. Then you can get a rebuttal from your couple, which will strengthen the intimacy. Expression of feelings brings together, but the expression of primary feelings.
Of course, this requires an admission of weakness, dependence on a couple, but this is precisely what intimacy consists in. We depend on each other. This is both weakness and strength.
A relationship is a very valuable thing to take care of.
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