Marry A Young Man

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

She is beautiful with mature beauty, wise and often quite successful. You look at her and it seems that next to her there should be an adult, solid man with barely noticeable gray hair on his temples. And suddenly - oops! - her chosen one, the father of her child, the person with whom she is happy … a young man 10-20 years younger. Stereotypes to smithereens! And now you look at them more carefully: what is his self-interest? After all, it is hard to believe that a young guy will truly love an adult woman

DO NOT CONDEMN

- He probably has complexes? - carry out a kitchen psychoanalysis of a girlfriend on her back.

- He's just a gigolo! In general, she was always unlucky with men, so she bought herself a young one! - are hacked off the shoulder by cynics.

“A woman should be younger than a man” - this stereotype is spelled out in our genes, in our blood by the age-old traditions of male superiority over women. According to sociological research in the tolerant United States, for example, such couples condemn up to 80% of adult men and women living in large cities, and in small cities - up to 90%. In other countries, similar results are found; in the Russian version, in some places there are up to 100% of those who condemn. And only in France, 35% of respondents expressed dissatisfaction, calling such alliances unnatural. And the rest spoke in that spirit, they say, if only they were happy. That's what sexual democracy means!

As these polls show, practically no one discusses a woman in this union. Perhaps in Russia, where, in principle, there are more claims and expectations towards women. But a young man who agrees to enter into an unequal union in age runs the risk of losing his friends and becoming the object of ridicule from colleagues. Psychologists from several American universities conducted a joint study. With the help of covert audio and video surveillance, they recorded the communication of different groups. And among other things, it turned out that with those guys who had wives older than themselves, colleagues stay at a greater distance, less often invite them to dinner, demonstrate non-verbal signals of condemnation, and so on.

Or maybe it’s not about who they live with. And in principle, is that a special type of men agrees to unequal relations?

- Having a girl with wrinkles is fashionable and prestigious! - joked once familiar 25-year-old handsome. His third life partner in the five years that I have known him is still around 32-34 years old. Perhaps one day he will equal and even surpass them. And at forty he will say that he loves the young.

But what really motivates young guys when they choose an older woman as a couple?

WHERE DOES LOVE OF MATURITY COME FROM?

Over the past decade, the number of couples of unequal age has been constantly growing - 0.2% per year. In Moscow, about 10% of the number of all registered marriages annually is unequal in age, when the bride is 7 or more years older than the groom. In America, there are 12.5% of such pairs. True, according to sociologists, such couples do not seek to register a relationship. Therefore, there are five times more of those who simply live in a civil marriage.

Here is the social basis for these relationships:

1. A mature lady and a young guy can have radically different political views, literary tastes, and so on. But they definitely agree on one thing - in a sexual temperament. A woman after 30 has a peak of activity, and in men it is at 20-25. There is a lot of sex in such couples, especially in the beginning. A mature woman does not hesitate to use her experience, she is more relaxed.

2. The cult of youth and beauty is manifested in the fact that a woman always tries to look younger. Both externally and internally and behaviorally. Some flirt so much that before retirement they play "girl", but this, of course, is a pathology and a little from another opera. In our opera, a well-groomed 35-year-old lady meets a 25-year-old guy who seeks to look older and more responsible, he already feels like a real man. Therefore, at the moment of their meeting, the mental age of both is the same.

3. If a woman over 30 is free and there are many like her, then there are much fewer single men (normal!) Over 30. Much! Therefore, according to the healthy principle of screening out married people, her gaze automatically rests on a young, beautiful and single body.

4. The generation of 40-year-olds and a little older bachelors today loses to the generation of 25-30 year old young men. Psychologists call those who were formed back in the USSR as a generation of cognitive dissonance. Reality changed dramatically during the period when their value orientations were being formed. A vivid example: either you are a speculator and go to jail, then for the same they begin to respect you incredibly. Many men, who are now in their forties, have loosened up moral values, the concept of loyalty, honor, and manhood. Therefore, it is difficult to build relationships with them. And young guys are more integral natures, it is easier and more reliable with them. Therefore, girls over 30 sometimes choose boys for this very reason, and not even at all because of sex or the lack of other bachelors on the horizon.

5. For a young man, choosing a mature lady can also be unrivaled. A young girl, especially if she is good-looking, behaves like a capricious diva. And yesterday's princess Tanpola or a careerist after 30 has already taken place, what she could, achieved, what she didn't - she resigned herself, set priorities, she already consciously wants a family and children. Or at least he knows exactly what he wants. And ladies over 30 look no worse, and often even better and with great taste. They know how to behave and build relationships, they have already learned over the years.

TYPES OF YOUNG HUSBANDS

While studying the phenomenon of "young husbands", psychologists have discovered that these are three types of completely different men.

Type No. 1. Mature. These are young people who matured early psychologically and intellectually, they are ready to start a full-fledged family, hyperresponsible and smart even at 20 years old. Such powerful masculine strength is felt in them that even an energetic post-Soviet pensioner from a bench will feel like a weak woman next to him. Such maturity comes for a reason: he had to grow up early in his parental family. Either there was no father and he early became a support for the mother, or someone in the family was seriously ill.

Type No. 2. Escape from freedom. Erich Fromm described this syndrome in a broader sense. But in this case, it manifests itself as in no other. The fact is that some young people who have received a very good upbringing, education, love of relatives, feel in themselves vague urges to self-destruction. They are secretly drawn to riotous parties and a vicious lifestyle, where there is a lot of alcohol, available women, cynicism, speed, recklessness. Freedom frightens them by the fact that they can violate all the taboos of the "good boy", hammered into their heads since childhood. And then the boy finds a way of self-restraint - he marries a woman who is older, has authority for him and is able to guide him around a palisade of restrictions that will not allow him to realize his secret desires. And thus it will save both him and those close to him from a heart attack.

Type No. 3. Hello mommy. These are the guys who just find a mommy in a more mature woman. They lacked love and affection from their mother and strive to get her in a love relationship. These are just guys who are not ready for adult life and responsibility, for whom a mature lover is also a teacher of life. Through a relationship with her, he himself grows up and gains experience. Some psychoanalysts see this as a manifestation of the Oedipus complex, when a man identifies a very adult woman with a coveted mother figure, but since she is a stranger, you can go to bed with her and live together. By the way, the phenomenon is known when young homosexuals live or even marry women 25-30 years older, and they admit they love them very much and even make love, but at the same time have their "friends". It is explained by the fact that in relations with men he is looking for the closeness of his father, but in relations with a mature lady - and his mother, and at the same time satisfies his deeply hidden need for relations with a woman as a man.

STAGES OF HAPPINESS

And if it's just love and there are no pitfalls there? Well, just two people created for each other met, so what if they were born with such a difference ?! The Czech psychotherapist Miroslav Plzak tried to find out how such couples are compatible with romantic cliches. For 10 years, he watched the relationship of 300 couples, where the husband is much younger than his wife. Only 70 couples by the end of the control period were together and happy. The rest broke up. 40 former "young husbands" and after the divorce led a normal life, again met with girls, were going to start a new family, worked, and built a career. And the remaining 190, that is, more than 50%, lived as if they were lost in the stormy sea of life. They started using alcohol, drugs, going to extremes and calling their life a mistake. This is how the syndrome of flight from freedom manifests itself. They received it and now do not know what to do with it.

In these couples, the doctor found, the intensity of the relationship was higher. They are more electrified. Indeed, these two have much more reasons to quarrel and for internal experiences. All right, society simply does not approve. But how many fears! Women: I will grow old, you will find a young woman, you use me, I deprive you of paternity, how I look in the eyes of my friends … Men: I am considered a gigolo, you do not take me seriously, I am not an authority for you because of my age, you use me …

However, at first, for the first one and a half to two years, there is nothing of this in the relationship. They are filled with joy and sex. Then comes the "fear processing" period, when the most dire questions are asked in search of satisfying answers. And after another two years comes the "Make a decision" period. The two must say a final yes or no to each other if they are still together. As a rule, if there is a joint child, and fears are processed in a positive way, then the couple falls into those 23% who become full-fledged spouses. And by the way, after so many years together, they seem to be outwardly compared. This is also an interesting phenomenon, so far without intelligible scientific explanations. I would like to believe that love simply wins!

STAR EXAMPLES

Lyuba from "Interns" Svetlana Permyakova at the age of 40 married her 21-year-old director Maxim Scriabin. They learned about their relationship after she gave birth to her daughter Varya. They hid their secret and only the closest people knew about the existence of their family.

Actress Nonna Grishaeva is happy with her husband 12 years younger than her, this is the actor Alexander Nesterov. They have a joint son, Ilya.

Tutta Larsen, or Tatiana Romanenko in the world, always looked very young. And she chose young, daring, talented men as companions. She did not immediately have a female destiny. She gave birth to her first son, Luka, from a young journalist Zakhar, with whom a relationship did not work out. But daughter Martha appeared in a full-fledged family with musician Valery Koloskov. When his wife was already a teen idol, he went to school himself. But this does not interfere with their happiness.

And also, of course, the couple Maxim Galkin and Alla Pugacheva, which has become a parable in the tongues, who, in spite of all the splits, have already lived quite happily and closed for many years, build a nest, raise children.