HOW ARE YOU THERE (AYA)? The Bitter Truth About What These Thoughts About The Exes Lead To From The Family Psychologist Zberovsky

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

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💥HOW ARE YOU THERE (AYA)? 🙅‍♀The bitter truth about what these thoughts about the exes lead to from the family psychologist Zberovsky

How are you there ex (s)? One of the main specific features of the post-love transition period is psychological inertia. It is especially noticeable in the fact that men and women who have ended their love relationships still strive to "stay in the subject" of what is happening with their partner, to have information about what is happening to him (her). Is it always right? Partners in an ended love relationship for some time (someone has a short, up to several weeks, someone has significant - for many years), continue to be actively interested in each other's fate, trying to "stay in the subject" of what is happening with the ex "Half", even to somehow react to the information received. The question is, to what extent is it right to be interested in how you are there former (s)?

I will express my position right away: Of course, this is absolutely wrong! After all, you must always live your own, and not someone else's life

To substantiate my position, I will start with the following statement:

For us, a person is, first of all, information about a person

No information - no person

Ask yourself: How do we know that other people exist?

That's right, because we just have information about them. We see them in person or on TV, read about them in books, newspapers, learn about them on the Internet, radio, from other people, or hear them ourselves (especially when they are behind a wall with a puncher). Accordingly, people about whom we know absolutely nothing, are like dead or invented for us, as if they do not exist and never existed, or they were, but disappeared, disappeared. Of course, our brain can invent completely new people, but we usually use this brain function only in two cases: when we tell fairy tales to children, or when writers write books. In ordinary times, we are dealing with very real people of flesh and blood, with those of whom we, in one way or another, know.

When we begin to communicate with a new person for ourselves, and even more so fall in love, our consciousness immediately creates an image of this person, populates our head with a kind of virtual model, a mental double of this person. Further, this double lives in our consciousness with its own life. It is with him, and not at all with a real person, that we usually communicate. Consider this:

Most of our communication with loved ones

does not happen with real characters,

and their images in our minds,

in fact, we are talking to ourselves

It is to them that we mentally turn during the day, check and coordinate our behavior, make plans with them, take offense, quarrel and put up with those who in the real world do not even know about it. Is that so ?!

And then the process looks like this. We quarrel and part with partners in love or family relationships (and in any other) approximately according to the following scheme: A person, unexpectedly for us, first does something very bad in relation to us in reality, and then we part with him. In this case, the turnover “unexpected for us” is of fundamental importance. That is, upon learning about the deed of a partner, our brain is genuinely surprised and indignant: there is a discrepancy between the behavior of our mental image, which seems to us acceptable, and the real behavior of a real person - unacceptable. The brain updates the partner's virtual model, comes to the conclusion that we are not on the way with such a person, and then we quarrel in reality. But this very process of updating the model and identifying those deep and ineradicable contradictions between people, because of which it is right for them to part forever, necessarily takes some time. Moreover, for some people, it is significant. Let me put it bluntly:

The smarter and more educated a person is, the harder it is

his consciousness works, the more time he needs,

to get used to the loss of a loved one

So here, the whole trick is that the person who either hurt us very much (for example, cheated on us), or openly left us first, he (a) does it meaningfully and, most importantly, in his mind - in advance … That is, those who cheated on us or abandoned us had some time (months, days) to tune in in advance that they could part with us forever. Their brain first mentally mortified your virtual image in their minds, and only then confronted a real person, a partner (that is, you) with the fact.

The process of parting is easier precisely

for the initiator of the breakup. And the longer the time

back he (a) came (la) to this planned decision -

the faster and easier he (a) will come to himself

But the one who, with horror, suddenly found out that he (she) was being cheated, or he (she) was told that the relationship was completely terminated, it is very hard. When we say that a person is in shock, this means that he still needs to comprehend what happened, the brain urgently creates a new virtual model of the events that happened, life itself, updates its idea of the person who hurt, who quit (and used to be considered such good, loved ones, relatives, etc.). For this, professional psychologists work with him, supply the person with the missing (moreover, correctly selected and built) information that helps him adapt to what happened, accept it, restore peace of mind and move on.

if a person (for example - you, or you - a partner) was once told that all relations with him are terminated, a dynamic skew arises in his mind, in fact - a conflict between the virtual model of the partner, his good, "white and fluffy" image, and a real person. And if there is no psychologist nearby who will present everything correctly, information about what happened is almost always not enough (because, in our head, we ourselves and our partner are usually always better than we and he (s) really are) … This explains the fact that for days, weeks, or even months, the abandoned partner is chasing the one who abandoned him (her), everything is trying to ask: what happened, that there was a break in communication, what he (a) did (a) not, is it possible to try to fix all this, and then be back together.

Now, you can probably already understand where I am leading you. If you have been sharply hurt (cheated on you), or told that they are quitting, your brain will certainly try, even bit by bit, to collect information about what happened, what was wrong, strive to find the answer to the eternal question "why?" … It's just that your consciousness really needs it to complete, update the dynamic model of the ex-partner, smoothly round out, complete its virtual existence in your head (and even make the necessary outputs for the future). Close your communication neatly and painlessly in much the same way as a surge protector does, an uninterruptible power supply device, when in the event of a sudden power outage, it shuts down the computer, ensuring its safety.

In the event of a sudden end of a love or family (any) relationship, the consciousness of the injured party necessarily needs information about what happened, which is necessary for a planned, smooth disconnection from communication, to transfer forces to build relationships with other people.

But then the following takes place the fundamental nuance of ending a relationship, without which you will not be able to understand why some people have been collecting information about their ex-partner for years, while others relatively quickly come to their senses and are no longer interested in who they were once going to "live their whole life happily ever after." It is like this:

The sooner an offended or abandoned person convinces himself

that his (her) ex-relationship partner is a rare brute,

the faster he (a) will come to his senses and begin to live on

without looking back at your love or family past

Now let's apply this pattern to reality. Let's say you were cheated on and you, in order to protect your own pride, were forced to leave your partner. Or he (s) dumped you. For you, all this happened suddenly, unexpectedly, like a butt on the head. And so, to complete all the thought processes on this topic, you collect information about your ex, find out what he (she) has and how, correlate all this with yourself, with what happened.

And then everything is simple. If you find out that in the near future your partner “went from hand to hand,” took a drink, started sleeping with everyone in a row, says all sorts of nasty things about you, infected someone with a venereal disease, it turned out, that he (a) is a drug addict (s) or a criminal (s), he abandoned someone else (or the person does any other bad deeds), then it will quickly become easier for you! Very fast! You will simply understand what, in essence, a moral monster you have been communicating with all this time, what kind of reptile you have warmed on your chest (bust), etc. etc. Calm yourself down, continue living on. That's fine! if your former partner does not do anything bad in the future, does not go to jail, does not spoil his reputation, makes friends with someone, creates a family, has children, makes a career, buys cars and apartments, looks good, then your brain still does not understand why all this happened so sadly ??? And he does not and does not give the command to end love … Everything waits and collects information. It is still not enough and not enough, and the years go on and on. And everything hurts and hurts …

Only on the basis of this approach, you can understand why the information that your ex-partner is friends with someone or creates a family infuriates you, but love still persists. Because jealousy does not turn off love, it only warms it up. The very fact that your ex-partner has someone does not at all characterize him (her) as a bad person. On the contrary, rather, it means that he (a) is normal (s), but you have some kind of problem. It is also important to take into account the painfulness of information about each other just at once for both former partners.

Absolutely any information about each other

after the end of the love relationship

painfully perceived by both former partners

News that your ex is doing well is likely to annoy you (especially the first year or two). Because it will mean that it is "easy and fun" for your ex to live without you. This means that the very fact of your being near, objectively prevented this person from achieving something, and you find yourself in an unpleasant role of "ballast". That this is very, very disappointing.

Bad news about a person (about his health, career, personal life) generally evokes a whole range of feelings. From petty and disgusting gloating, like: “So you! It is God who punishes you for doing this (did) to me. " To the alarmed: “We urgently need to call and go! This is even my ex, but still such a sweet and dear little man … ".

In general, almost any information about who should theoretically remain in the past now will certainly cause you one or another reaction in the present. And this means that this information will have a real impact on your current life, it will complicate building a personal relationship with a new person. (After all, it is very, very difficult to communicate with one person, but, by inertia, think about another.). Do you really need it? Of course not! Therefore, it is necessary to isolate oneself as much as possible from the very possibility of receiving information about the former partner, and to do everything so that information “from under you” does not reach “in the opposite direction”. Because if you do not want to specifically take revenge on your ex (her), proving how good you are now, let's coast his (her) nerves too.

Practical recommendations on the topic - how are you there former (s)?

First. Do not be interested in the fate of your ex-relationship partner if he (she) is doing well

Our bad mood is very often the result

Information that someone is better

Accordingly, no information - no bad mood.

- If you are abandoned, the information that your partner is doing well will not allow the love program in your head to turn off. And if your ex-partner does not commit some rare abomination, you will all and will love him (her). And you don't need this in your situation. Therefore, you should not prolong the agony of feelings and be interested in the fate of your ex (s) either!

It turns out that how are you ex (s) there? - to be interested in the fate of your ex (s) is correct only if further shows all the nasty and unsightly essence of his (her) nature. In this case, it is useful, because hundreds of times you will catch yourself on the blissful thought that “how good it is that everything ended with this and we parted!”. However, since such an ending in your ex's life is not guaranteed, it is better not to be interested in his fate at all. In addition, I ask you to remember:

Information about the present of our former loved one immediately throws us into the past

And since you broke up, it means that this past was with problems. Do you want to plunge back into the problems you have already passed? I hope no! And in general - you don't seem like a masochist (ku) …

Second. Cut off all channels of information about each other

The best option in a situation of parting with a former partner is to completely stop receiving information about each other, not to look at all for any opportunities to find out how you were there? Because:

The fastest cure for love is

cease to exist for each other physically,

stop receiving any information about each other

All this is done quite simply. It is necessary (at least for some time) to "drop out" of your general campaign, to stop communicating with those people who, consciously or unconsciously, will certainly carry information (like a psychological infection) in both directions.

But, the most important thing in our harsh informational time is not to read the pages of your former partner on the social networks of the Internet. And you can only commit violence against yourself, tear yourself away from the monitor screen if you read my practical recommendations for chapters 12, 13, 14 and 15 of this book. If you still haven't read them, go to the beginning of the book immediately!

Remark

I am deeply convinced that our past should help our happy future, and not hinder it. Since our past always feeds on our present, stop feeding it information about your ex.

DO NOT FEED YOUR MENTAL PAIN WITH YOUR OWN HANDS