Attraction To Trauma

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Outside the window is a rainy evening. In the office to my right, a 40-year-old man sits with a dull look, despite attempts to be cheerful and even joke. What drove him? The same as many - unhappy love. A year ago, he divorced his wife, left a family in which two daughters were growing up, to the one that stirred up his passion.

- The wife is a wonderful person, a good mother, a caring, intelligent woman, she earns good money, but our relationship has long become even, calm, almost kinship. I got bored. And then the former classmates call, offer to meet in a cafe. I knew that Inna would also come to the meeting, which made me a little worried. I used to be in love with her, but it so happened that she married someone else. After the cafe, we walked with her in the park, talked almost until morning. It turned out that a year ago she divorced her husband and lives with her son alone. This meeting stirred up old feelings in me. I walked next to Inna and my knees were trembling like a teenager. And at home, while I was lying in bed with my wife, such crazy sexual fantasies arose in my head that it sank to tears. We are having sex with my wife, but Inna is on her mind - well, it just doesn't go out of my head! I was all exhausted, in the end I decided to divorce. We began to live together with Inna. At first it seemed to me that there is no person in the world happier than me. But the happiness did not last long. Very soon, Inna began to open up to me from her dark side.

She did not know how to be grateful, affectionate. She thanked and showed tenderness only when she needed something from me. She also never apologized for anything. She demanded that I stop communicating with the children, threw tantrums. She really liked to bring me to emotions. It even seems to me that she enjoyed seeing how enraged I was, how I was shaking with anger. And then one day she pissed me off again: she came home late, drunk, and began to insult me. I could not resist, threw her onto the bed, pushed her into the mattress, shouted something, even hit her on the cheek … But what amazed me: at that moment her look became so languid, as if she had an orgasm. I realized that it gives her pleasure to wake the beast in me. Inna's behavior was a lot of predatory, animal. She was overwhelmed with anger, toxic emotions, often said that she hated me, my ex-husband, her father, stepfather … And somehow I caught her while having sex with a friend … Her son was sitting in the next room, watching TV. They didn’t even hide from him! I had a panic attack, they called an ambulance. Then there were many more disgusting actions on her part. She had an abortion without even letting me know about her pregnancy! This was the last straw that overflowed the cup of patience. I packed my things and left. A relationship that began with such passion turned into a sheer darkness. Even then, I realized that she needed psychological help, I suggested that we go to a psychologist together. But Inna twisted her finger at her temple and assured me that I was, in fact, sick. Maybe she's right and I need to be treated? Living with her, I really began to doubt my adequacy. What do I want? Forget this woman, put yourself back together.

Logically speaking, the human psyche will be safer in a secure, stable relationship. But if there is an unresolved trauma, he will reach for that trauma in the hope that things will be different now.

A person is drawn, as a rule, to a cold, rejecting partner, wanting to rewrite the scenario of a once failed, painful relationship on an unconscious level. It’s boring with a host partner. it carries no reminders of the traumatic event, it does not disturb.

Before rushing into the pool with your head, you need to think: "What really drives me: unsatisfied sexual desire or some kind of" unclosed "gestalt, toxic feelings of anger, resentment, once wounded pride? Is my current situation of stability really so unsatisfactory or I need to understand myself, to understand myself and what I really want, how can I give it to myself?

This is achieved through the development of awareness in the psychotherapeutic field.

* Watercolors: Marcos Beccari.