Inability To Relax In Sex

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

There are many people who find it difficult to really relax in sex, to surrender to this process and not think about anything but pleasure. An orgasm may occur, but a complete discharge still does not occur: a person's muscles remain tense, and various thought processes take place in the head. Even if the thoughts are related to fantasizing about sexual topics, this also requires some tension, because the libido energy partially flows into the intellectual sphere, into the sphere of imagination. This phenomenon will undoubtedly have its own deep reasons. And here it is not enough to advise you to relax, watch porn, until the internal conflict is resolved.

A 35-year-old woman came to me for advice and complained of bodily tension during sex with her husband. I asked her to reflect on: what she would think during sex with him, what to feel, what it might be connected with, and write down her thoughts in an observation diary.

The woman's self-observation gave unexpected results. At the consultation, she said the following:

"Before having sex with my husband, I already feel an increase in tension, despite the presence of sexual arousal and an unmet sexual need. The tension is associated with the fact that I begin to expect that everything will not be the way I want it again. But I do not want to offend my husband and endure I have to fantasize a lot. Fantasies are often associated with another man. This is a work colleague. Imagine my sex with him and immediately reach orgasm. But the fact that you have to spend energy on causing the desired state does not lead to a full release, and even after sex I still feel tension and dissatisfaction. " Psychologist: "Tell us how you imagine sex with a work colleague, how would it differ from sex with your husband? Client:" The husband is too brutal, rude, his inner world is hidden from me. With him, we only talk about work, children, then he turns to sex after a couple of awkward compliments. Why clumsy? Because I do not feel sincerity in them, soul, although in sex he certainly tries. And communication with a colleague is very emotional, easy. I imagine how we are sitting with him in nature, by the fire, sharing our feelings with each other, he says how he loves me, as always waited for me, waited for this meeting, he looks me straight in the eyes, we kiss … there are absolutely no thoughts in my head, except for him. And he also has gentle hands, he touches them so tenderly … He doesn't need to do anything else to make me relax. We would just start kissing and have sex. And it would be passionate, enjoyable and relaxed."

The client had tears in her eyes.

P: "What are these tears about for you?" “Probably, these are the tears of my body, soul for something that is so unattainable so far …”, the woman admits with a dull look. P: “You talked a lot about the emotional side of sexual relations, and then you uttered a phrase concerning your husband,“he certainly tries.”You can try in your studies, at work, doing a certain duty. But is diligence combined with love? be in love?"

K.: “Apparently, my body is protesting against this and I cannot relax. The feeling that there is some kind of undercurrent, those thoughts, emotions that my husband hides from me, causes irritation, irritation leads to tension and this is some kind of vicious circle … ". P: "Have you talked to your husband that you lack the emotional component in your sexual relationship?" K.: "Yes, he makes attempts to talk to me on topics that are interesting to me, but I see that they are not interesting to him, I see his mask, closeness, technicality, and then I just do not want to continue. Is there any love between us at all? “With my husband I feel frigid, but in another place a nymphomaniac awakens in me, which I have to carefully suppress.”

Analyzing the reasons for the client's stress, we came to such a significant problem in her marriage as emotional distance in her relationship with her husband. What unites them is mutual responsibility for the created family. But, in parallel with this, everyone has their own inner world, hidden from each other, and therefore, perhaps, there is no emotional involvement in relationships, there is no interest. The absence of a full-fledged emotional connection does not lead to a full-fledged sexual release. Thus, sexual desire continues to remain unsatisfied, causing irritability, and sometimes a nervous breakdown.

This is just one of the reasons for tension in sex, but the most important, in my opinion.

In order for spouses to get more pleasure from sexual intimacy, it is necessary to get closer spiritually first, to allow them to penetrate into each other's inner world. Sometimes this turns out to be unattainable due to rigidity, psychological defenses. For this purpose, spousal psychotherapy may be required to open up and look at your partner differently. It is necessary to work with empathy, the sensual sphere of the spouses. This is a lengthy but interesting process.

* Reproductions: Umberto Brunelleschi.