2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Why do children get hysterical, twist ropes from their parents, sit on their heads? Why do parents take so long puzzle themselves - how to fix this, and then break the characters of the children - with punishment and cruelty or indulgence and unprincipledness.
Here is an example of a 15-minute consultation of a girl on the Internet in messages. Literally, with the consent of the client, the name has been changed.
Client: Good afternoon. I wanted to ask if a child, a boy - 3 years and 10 months, my nephew, is constantly capricious and immediately falls into tears and wants everything to be his, what about it? I wanted to know how to deal with it, I understand blackmail is not an option, but I can't look at his tears!
Psychologist: Good day, Lena! If I understood correctly, then this is your nephew (not your son). And you cannot look at his tears. Answer yourself to the questions - What are his tears for you? What do you worry, feel when you see his tears? What are tears for you (not his, but abstract). It's not about your nephew, it's about your attitude with tears. And we have to work with this. That's the way it is, Lena. If there is a need - write, call.
Client: Thank you, Svetlana! The answer is simple - tears cause negative emotions and the feeling that I offend the child! But how to explain to him that tears cannot solve problems! although I myself like to cry! So far, only blackmail helps! The kindergarten changed him a lot, became more educated, maybe over time he will understand that tears are not a man's business.
Psychologist: I repeat, the child is not the point. And he doesn't need to explain anything. He has a mom and dad for this. TEARS in YOU cause negative emotions, the feeling "that you offend the child." And YOU will have a hard time dealing with it. You can't handle it. What happens to YOU if YOU "offend a child".
Client: He's just twisting the ropes out of me, his dad and mom are busy, and I work as a nanny on vacation, it's nice. I want to babysit my own, but so far I train on strangers. Didn't meet my man.
Psychologist: I see. Then hold it once. Show him that you know how to withstand it - his tears. And hold it a second time. Accept him as he is and be an adult next to him, do not fall into a state equal to him. Tell me - I can withstand your tantrums. Just sit and wait for him to calm down. Do not comment on anything. Even if it is hysterical for 40 minutes, the end will come. Watch blankly. When he realizes that you have POWER, then there will be a dialogue. In the meantime, he has power. But I repeat, it’s not about him, but about your attitude to his tears.
The next day a letter: Thank you very much, Svetlana! Happened!
If you do not go into details with the client's reaction to tears and her unwillingness to turn the problem into her own plane (which indicates her unwillingness to change something in herself), then the problem with the child's reaction does not require explanation and clearly shows how what I am talking about I want to say.
Children really need to be in charge, it is convenient for them, and they can manipulate in order to get what they want in different ways (pushing for pity, shouting, banging their heads on the floor, crying non-stop, throwing objects, hitting you and much, much more) …
Question to parents - where are you at this time:
1. With the child you sort things out on an equal footing;
2. You adapt to their manipulations and fulfill all the requirements;
3. Take the position of an older and competent parent, who is the bearer of the norms and laws of the family, does not collapse and does not crumble from childish tantrums, can withstand screams and tears, but will not change his requirements. And all this is only from Love and in the name of Love for the child.
For clarity, an example from life. My son is 4 years old, from birth he KNOWS to hysteria and does it beautifully and regularly (this is his innate personality structure, over the years he becomes more compliant and restrained, but this is from our relationship with my husband to his reactions). I normalize it, withstand it, do not collapse, although sometimes it is not sweet. When he needs something badly and he does not immediately receive it, he tells me that he will not be friends with me, throws something, cries from the fact that I do not fulfill his requirements. To all his cries, I say calmly: "And I will always be friends with you and I will always love you, because I am your mother." And I silently wait for him to finish his "speech".
Then we discuss his behavior together and do not buy or give what he wanted to achieve in this way. Recently, my son asked me a question (as they say - I received feedback): "Did you love me, mom, when I misbehaved today?" I answer him: "Yes." He: "And I always love you, Mom, even when I misbehave."
Therefore, fellow parents, remember - this is important:
- Any hysteria has an end. Be patient and endure this time calmly;
- Do not collapse, do not fall into the state of “What is to be done? It's unbearable!!!", you know what to do - Love and Raise;
- Do not give power to children, be the leader of the educational process. Since it is NECESSARY, you know, but not they;
- Gradually, with age (from 4 years old), teach them that power (knowledge, norms of behavior, and truth) is not with you, but with God. In the meantime, you are his mediator and broadcast his norms to the child.
And everything will be fine for everyone.
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