2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Parents give their child a basic sense of unconditional love. From the moment they took a little screaming man in their arms. He has not done anything yet, has not managed to deserve this love in any way, but he is already loved. Love grows with a person, it becomes more. But, as they say, quantity is not as important as quality. With age, parental attitudes, family concepts and rules, expectations and disappointments are shifted onto the child. And now love from the heart passes into the head, becomes the equivalent of praise and an image of achievement.
And then an adult comes to a psychotherapist and says (for example) - I can't build a relationship, what's wrong with me? And when it comes to love and self-acceptance, it turns out that such a task has never been faced by a person. He then stubbornly tries to love and accept someone else. And, either he cannot do this, or he does not receive a response. And the disappointed one goes to look for a new subject for building relationships. What he never tried to do was build a relationship with himself. Already getting ready for the first date, the eternal "what should I do?" and "what will they think of me?"
He is emotionally not in himself, he is in another person. His request is what should I do / not do so that the other person will react to me in a certain way. This formulation is initially doomed to failure and dissatisfaction. Because a person evaluates himself through his experience, highlights his positive and negative sides, creates an idealized image of himself (in his eyes) and tries to correspond to it - to hide the bad and show the good.
There are two main problems with this strategy:
1. He does not know if his views on good and bad coincide with the views of another person and
2. he will not be able to play this role forever, sooner or later he will "become himself" with all its pluses and minuses.
And so on the first point half of the dates collapse. The guy tries to show himself as a brutal macho, and the girl is modestly silent and thinks how to leave as soon as possible. This is not her image. And she will never know that he is very well-read and loves Kafka (like her), because they will no longer have a second date. The girl to whom her father once said that guys do not like too smart, hides three of her diplomas, flaps her extended eyelashes and diligently sighs and gasps listening to the young man, and he is looking for a partner girl with whom he should be interested and is already tired of her games. And on the second point, the rest collapses. If the girl was really looking for a macho, then she will be delighted. First time. But time will pass and he will begin to forget to flex his muscles and ask her about the last book she read, clearly not expecting that it was "Crime and Punishment" in school years in a textbook retelling. And the guy who was looking for a cute, beautiful, naive fool will sooner or later receive a quote from Nietzsche from her or see her fixing a computer and understand that there was a catch somewhere.
And what is the bottom line? Time wasted, emotions are negative, relationships are not the same. Maybe you should stop and think - what was wrong in EVERY relationship and understand that it is you yourself? And then build a relationship with yourself. Love yourself, accept. After all, only by learning this can you truly love another person. Not looking for a savior who will plug the holes in your self-esteem, but a full-fledged person who is worthy and able to respect you. The way you are. Of course, it is not enough just to stand in front of the mirror and say "I love myself now." It is a long journey and a very difficult one. And everyone has his own. But after reaching the goal, everyone understands that it was worth it.
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