2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The choice itself is decisive for the content of the personality; thanks to the choice, she plunges into what was chosen - if the person does not choose, she fades into self-destruction.
S. Kierkegaard
Resentment is a feeling that keeps a person in the past. The event, the fact has already happened, and the experiences continue and poison life in the present moment. Feelings of resentment, like any other experience, are associated with hormonal reactions of the body. In an offended person, melatonin, cortisol and norepinephrine are activated, which at the bodily level provoke the occurrence of various spasms and clamps, it is felt as a "lump in the throat", pressure in the chest area and tension. The feeling of resentment is accompanied by a deterioration in the psycho-emotional state, depressed mood, sadness, irritability, anger, anger, inability to experience joy and pleasure.
Like any feeling, resentment fulfills its function, acts as a kind of regulator of a person's relationship with the world, with Others.
- Discovers the vulnerabilities of the offended;
- Serves as a signal about the violation of social contact;
- Shows the degree, depth of contact breakdown;
- Indicates the way to restore broken contact;
- Helps fix social communication.
And also has its own secondary benefits.
- Helps to attract attention and sympathy from others;
- Helps to avoid responsibility;
- Gives the right to the offended "right" to manipulate the offender on the basis of guilt.
The ability to take offense is also affected by such a characterological trait as resentment, which is considered by colleagues as a quality of an infantile, immature personality and manifests itself in an overestimated level of expectations and claims, in an unwillingness to take responsibility. In suffering from a feeling of resentment, some find even a kind of ecstasy from feeling like a victim, and some find the meaning of life in punishing the offender and revenge. Thus, resentment becomes a long (and sometimes eternal) war for unfulfilled expectations.
I believe that in the process of working with resentment, the most important thing is to discover the secret meaning of resentment, the message that is hidden behind this feeling.
The offended person can be asked questions:
- What gives you resentment?
- Why do you choose to be offended?
- What do you want to get as a result of the offense?
- How much time of your life do you want to live with resentment?
- Who is being punished by your grudge as a result?
- What are you paying for your offense?
I consider raping the client with the idea of forgiveness in dealing with resentment as a losing strategy. All forgiveness techniques can be effective only when the client is able to unravel the "secret meaning" of this feeling and make an informed choice.
What can be the tasks of the psychotherapist in dealing with resentment?
- helping the client share responsibility between the offended and the offender (the offender is responsible for the action taken, the offended one - for his experiences);
- helping the client in analyzing the adequacy of his expectations;
- helping the client to find his vulnerabilities and "pain points";
- helping the client in realizing his needs and finding a mature way to satisfy them;
- informing about the possible psychosomatic consequences of resentment;
- help in accepting the imperfection and non-ideality of the world and Others;
- show possible ways of choosing a behavioral reaction to an offense (revenge, deepening conflict, breaking up relations, ignoring, reconciliation, forgiveness).
In a previous post, I described looking at resentment, not as a feeling, but as a process. In my opinion, this understanding of resentment contains the potential of choice. Personal choice is a volitional and semantic process based on motivation and purpose. The choice presupposes an active personality and meaningfulness. The specificity of an individual's activity in a situation of choice largely depends on the degree of his awareness of possible alternatives and their consequences that affect the further course of life. Personal choice is accompanied by a willingness to take responsibility for the decision and its consequences.
Relying on existential realities (loneliness, freedom, meaning and death), a person is faced with a choice: to live life and die with resentment or without it, choose the path of revenge, deepening the conflict, ignoring and breaking off contact, or the path of reconciliation. And in this choice - everyone is lonely, free, and responsible.
Let hopes, not grievances, shape your future.
Robert Schuller
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