Measuring Injuries

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In counseling and therapy for married couples, I sometimes have to deal with the fact that partners compete with each other for which of them is more unhappy, who had a more unhappy childhood, who has more and more serious injuries. Both partners are in a sacrificial position and expect from the partner that he will “save them”, thus making him responsible for his salvation, self-justifying his inactivity and passivity. If you look closely at this position, then, in principle, claims against a partner are claims against their parents, who, for various reasons, could not be ideal, could not fully meet significant needs.

One of the functions of the family in modern times is psychotherapeutic. And yes, in a good relationship you can really "heal". But this process is possible only when you make a decision to go beyond your sacrificial worldview, go beyond your trauma into an active, active position and try to notice the needs of the Other.

Once upon a time, on the Internet, I came across an excellent recommendation that I voice to my clients. Ask your partner: “What can I do for you to make your day better?” *.

Some clients resist such a recommendation: "Why should I (should) be the first (first)?" I ask: “Who was the first of you to notice the Other? Did you take the initiative when you met ?, "Have you asked for a date?" Is it really more important for you the answer to the question: “Who should be the first?” Than the answer to the question: “How to be?”.

Maybe it makes sense for someone to end this senseless war for the crown of greater sacrifice?

"How can I make your day better?" The story of a saved marriage

American writer Richard Paul Evans recounts how a simple phrase helped save his marriage. Required to read.

My eldest daughter Jenna recently told me: “When I was little, I was most afraid that you and your mother would divorce. But when I turned 12, I decided that maybe it was for the best - you were constantly swearing! " Smiling, she added, "I'm glad you guys got along anyway."

For many years my wife Keri and I have fought fierce battles. Looking back, I do not really understand how we managed to get married at all - our characters did not fit each other very well. And the longer we lived in marriage, the more the contradictions manifested themselves. Wealth and fame have not made our life easier. On the contrary, the problems only intensified. The tension between us reached such a level that the upcoming tour in support of my new book seemed to me a deliverance, albeit temporary.

We fought so often that it was already difficult to imagine a peaceful life together. Every now and then we snapped at each other and both diligently hid the pain behind the stone fortresses that we had erected around us. We were on the verge of divorce and discussed it more than once.

I was on tour when the dam burst. We just had another desperate fight on the phone, and Keri hung up. I felt anger, powerlessness and deep loneliness. I realized that I had reached the limit - I could not stand it anymore.

Then I turned to God. Or fell upon God. I don't know if it can be called a prayer that I shouted in fury at those moments, but they are imprinted in my memory forever. I stood in the shower in a hotel in Atlanta and shouted to God that this marriage was a mistake, and I can't live like this anymore.

Yes, I hate the idea of divorce, but the pain of living together has tortured me. Besides rage, I felt confusion. I could not understand why Keri and I are so difficult together. Deep down, I knew that my wife was a good person. And I'm a good person. So why are we failing to mend our relationship? Why did I marry a woman whose character does not suit mine? Why doesn't she want to change?

In the end, hoarse and broken, I sat down on the floor in the shower and burst into tears. Illumination came from the darkness of despair. You can't change her, Rick. You can only change yourself. And I began to pray. If I cannot change her, Lord, then change me.

I prayed deeply for midnight. I prayed the next day on my flight home. I prayed on the doorstep of the house, where a cold wife was waiting for me, who, most likely, would not deign me even with a glance when she met. That night, as we lay in our bed so close to each other and at the same time so far away, I knew what I needed to do.

The next morning, while still in bed, I turned to Keri and asked, "How can I make your day better?"

Keri looked at me angrily: "What?"

"How can I make your day better?"

“Nothing,” she snapped. - Why do you ask?"

“Because I'm serious,” I said. "I just want to know how I can make your day better."

She looked at me cynically. “Do you want to do something? Okay, then wash the kitchen."

Looks like my wife thought I was going to explode with anger. I nodded, "Okay."

I got up and washed the kitchen.

The next day I asked the same thing: "How can I make your day better?"

"Clean up the garage."

I took a deep breath. I was up to my throat that day, and I understood that my wife had said this on purpose to annoy me. So it was tempting to flare up in response.

Instead, I said, "Okay." I got up and cleaned and tidied up the garage for the next two hours. Keri didn't know what to think. The next morning came.

"How can I make your day better?"

"Nothing! - she said. “There’s nothing you can do. Please stop this. " I replied that I could not, because I had given myself my word. "How can I make your day better?" - "Why are you doing this?" - “Because you are dear to me. And our marriage is dear to me too”.

The next morning I asked again. And the next. And the next. Then, in the middle of the second week, a miracle happened. At my question, Keri's eyes filled with tears and she began to cry. Calmed down, my wife said, “Please stop asking me this question. The problem is not with you, but with me. I know it's hard with me. I don’t understand why you are still with me.”

I gently took her chin to look directly into her eyes. “Because I love you,” I said. "How can I make your day better?" "This is what I have to ask you." “It should, but not now. Now I want to change. You should know how much you mean to me. " My wife put her head on my chest.

"I'm sorry I behaved so badly." “I love you,” I said. “And I love you,” she replied. "How can I make your day better?" Keri looked at me affectionately: “Maybe we can stay together for a while? Just you and me". I smiled: "I would really like that!" I kept asking for over a month. And the relationship has changed. The quarrels stopped. Then my wife began to ask: “What would you like me to do? How can I become the best wife for you?"

The wall between us has collapsed. We began to talk - openly, thoughtfully - about what we want from life and how we can make each other happier. No, we didn't solve all our problems at once. I can't even say that we never fought again. But the nature of our quarrels has changed. They began to happen less and less, as if they lacked the evil energy that was before. We've deprived them of oxygen. Neither of us wanted to hurt the other anymore.

Keri and I have been married for thirty years. I not only love my wife, I like her. I love being with her. I need her, I want her. Many differences have become our common strengths, and the remaining ones, as time has shown, were not worth our nerves. We have learned to take better care of each other, and more importantly, we have a need for this.

Marriage takes effort. But it also takes effort to be a parent, to write, to work on my body to keep fit, and everything else that is important and valuable to me in life.

Walking through life with a loved one is a wonderful gift. I also realized that the family helps to heal from the wounds that inflict the most unattractive aspects of our personality. We all have such unpleasant aspects that we ourselves do not like.

Over time, I realized that our story was an illustration of a much more important lesson about marriage. This is a question worth asking anyone in a relationship. This is true love. Novels about love (and I myself have written several) usually boil down to love longing and “they lived happily ever after,” but happily ever after is not born out of a desire to possess and belong to a loved one.

In real life, love is not about feeling a desire for someone, but sincerely and deeply wishing him happiness - sometimes even to the detriment of our own. True love is not about making another person your copy. It is about empowering yourself - showing patience and caring for the well-being of your loved one. Everything else is just a silly show of selfishness.

I don't mean to say that Keri and I will work for every couple. I'm not even sure that all couples on the verge of divorce should definitely save their marriage. But I am eternally grateful for the inspiration that came to me that day in the form of a simple question. I am grateful that I still have a family and a wife (my best friend) wakes up next to me in bed every morning.

And I am happy that even now, decades later, from time to time one of us turns to the other and asks: "How can I make your day better?" For this it is worth waking up in the morning.