2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
A fickle, often changeable mother is not able to control her emotions, the logic of her behavior constantly "slides", she rushes from one extreme to another: from persistent obsessive presence - annoyance, intrusion into the child's personal space, absolute disrespect for his boundaries - to emotional inaccessibility and rejection …
These mothers are torn between being overly involved and withdrawn. Because of this, the child permanently experiences fear and emotional immobility, since he never knows which mother he will face - present or absent.
Victoria *, 34 years old: “One day my mother came home from work, called for supper, asked about school, then we did our homework together, until late at night, and the next day she was returning from work and did not even look into my room, did not ask any questions, she sat with her knees tucked in an armchair and leafed through her favorite magazines. Several times I approached and stopped not far from her, she did not pay any attention to me, as if I did not exist. Later, I stopped sticking out, and her suddenly awakened activity irritated me. I hated her forever."
Polina, 32 years old: “She (mother - author) has always been abnormal. She was not interested in me at all, forgot to leave me money for lunch at school, did not check the lessons, did not look at my diary, but then she could call my friend at home (it’s not known where she found out the phone, since she didn’t really know who I was friends with) and started demand that I go home, said that I behaved like a street child, that I was hanging around all the time, that she drove me to do my homework, said that I wasn’t eating right, that she would throw away all my chips, that I needed to drink milk. Once she signed me up to dance on the other side of the city, took me there for about a month, and once she simply did not pick me up from school. I thought something had happened to her. She sat and cried before she came. She didn't explain anything. I didn't go to dances anymore. There were oddities with food all the time. Either I went hungry, then she pursued me with her proper nutrition."
The behavior of such a mother forms the type of attachment that will most accurately be called "disoriented". The children of such a mother live in an incessant internal conflict: the natural need for a mother makes them strive for her and desire her attention, and fear of the “other mother” repels and keeps them at a distance. This emotional mess affects children in so many ways.
By adolescence, children of such mothers may experience an alternation of anxious and avoidant behavior. They are both desperately in need of love and acceptance and are afraid of the consequences of satisfying that need.
The children of these mothers have great difficulty in controlling emotions and understanding their own feelings. They experience an insatiable hunger for maternal love and make attempts to make their mother love them, but all attempts turn to fear and a sense of hopelessness. For such children, the main conflict - between the need for motherly love and the understanding of the need to save oneself - is even more intense and difficult than for other unloved children.
Characteristic consequences
- Distrustfulness.
- Emotional instability and difficulties in self-regulation.
- Reconstructing the bond with the mother through contact with abusive people.
- Attraction to controlling friends and partners, as control is mistakenly perceived as consistency and reliability.
- Acute form of main conflict with a high level of inability to sort out their experiences and identify feelings.
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