Role Model And Choice

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

There is such a parable:

There were two brothers. One brother was a successful man who achieved fame for his good deeds. The other brother was a murderer.

Before the trial of his second brother, a group of journalists surrounded him, and one asked a question:

- How did it happen that you became a criminal?

- I had a difficult childhood. My father drank, beat my mother and me. I hated him and began to hate other people. What else could I become?

At this time, several journalists surrounded the first brother, and one asked:

- You are known for your achievements; how did it happen that you achieved all this?

- I had a difficult childhood. My father drank, beat my mother and me. And I only thought that I didn’t want anyone else to feel as bad as me. I wanted to help people. What else could I become?

Life gives us experience. But we draw conclusions from this experience ourselves.

True, there is one important nuance that must be remembered.

Our experience since childhood forms what is called a role model. And it can be formed in different ways. There are approximately three such options:

1. Constructive.
2. Destructive.
3. Destructive inverse.

A constructive option is one where a person's personality was formed under the influence of diverse experiences and formed a healthy assessment of this experience. With the right to choose "yes", "no" and "I am still thinking" on each topical issue. With a lack of categoricality and readiness for a new experience at every stage. Such a system that learns and adjusts at every new step. Does not stiffen, does not go to extremes. Yes, we are talking about an almost ideal person who can not only be called "psychologically healthy", but also simply - happy.

What happens in other cases?

A destructive variant is a model in which the experience entered in the form in which it was passed. Without analysis and understanding how comfortable it is for the person himself. Everyone ran and I ran.

“My mother pulled three children herself, she could cook a three-course dinner and fix an electrician. Different took us to the section. And the house was always in order. And in the second year after the birth of a child, I am ready to go out the window! I'm not doing it! I feel bad! Why live like this at all? From the sight of a mop, I’m physically ready to hurt. I hate this! I'm a weakling and can't do anything."

“My father punished me. The belt hung from a stud at the entrance. I grew up normal, didn't I? This means that my son will grow up normal with the same upbringing."

“I grew up with my grandmother. She told me from childhood that all the evil in the world comes from men. So I don’t trust anyone! I'm calmer alone. And a serious relationship does not work out. Oh, okay. Anyway, sooner or later they will betray everything."

Here she is a destructive role model. A person takes the experience, concepts of other people, family attitudes - and simply builds them into his life. I do not analyze, do not succumb to criticism or revision. It has always been so - and will continue to be.

Can a person be happy in this way? In theory, yes. If by chance this model coincided with his real desire. The probability here is about how to meet a dinosaur on the street - but it is still there. If the first girl was really comfortable in the role of a housewife, if her inner request coincided with external factors - yes, she could be happy. If the second man was a sadist - too, quite a justified explanation for his own cruelty. If the third girl was a convinced feminist and got real pleasure only from self-sufficiency, loneliness and freedom, too, yes. But in every case, it turned out not to be so. People put on someone else's coat and are trying hard to button it on their chest. Ignoring the fact that it bursts at the seams and presses in the region of the heart.

When we adopt a pure role model, we are at risk. Because the one from whom we adopt it is not us! This is a different person. With their own character, experience and abilities. What was good for him is not necessarily good for us. And, quite possibly, this model is not his - but was born two or three generations ago.

What is a destructive reverse option? It's almost the same. But the model is not based on accepting the model, but on rejecting it.

“My father beat me. And I never even raise my voice against a child! Whatever he does! Why does he annoy me so? He's not doing something out of malice. And sometimes you really want to nail it down."

“I've built a career. There is a house, a car, a position. There is a man. Offers to live together. But I don't want to get married! It's like diving into the routine that my mother has been in all her life! No! Yes, I would like a child, but somehow later. Now and at 45 they give birth and nothing."

“For me, family is sacred! Child first. I quit a good job and went to the kindergarten to work in order to be closer to her. Let him receive all the tenderness that I missed from my mother."

This destruction is in the negative. I'll do the opposite. And it seems - I broke the vicious circle and escaped the clutches of family attitudes. But no!

Don't be fooled by the choice. In fact, none of them made their choice. They simply chose the opposite path to the one they were shown. We turned 180 degrees and went forward again.

And, again, in theory there are exceptions when this return journey coincided with an internal request and a person is good at it - but this is a fabulous rarity.

If we imagine an axis from minus infinity to plus infinity, then the two extreme points will be an indicator of a model for imitation - destructive and reverse. But everything in between is a wide range of variable solutions, each of which can be the very point at which a person will really be comfortable. This will be the model that I use to be happy. And this point can sometimes even move along the axis.

Because the choice is made not for the reason “my mother said so” or “my father forbade me to do it”, but for the reason - “I want it that way”.