2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
We often struggle with what we dislike or discard the “shadow” part of the personality, which is socially unacceptable.
What's going on?
Karl Rogers writes in the book "Becoming a Personality":
"A curious paradox arises - when I accept myself as I am, I change. I think this was taught to me by the experience of many clients, as well as my own, namely: we do not change until we unconditionally accept ourselves as such what we really are. And then the change happens imperceptibly."
Arnold Beisser says the same in his famous article "The Paradoxical Theory of Change":
"Change happens when a person becomes who he is, not when he tries to be someone who he is not."
What is it about?
When we accept ourselves as we are, then we change. If we start to struggle with it, or deny it, then what we are struggling with becomes more and more powerful.
Why doesn't change happen when we try to be who we are not?
When we want to change, we have in our head some image of who we want to be and an image of who we are now. It's like there are two parts, and one part is trying to change the other.
The founder of Gestalt therapy, Frederick Perls, called them "the dog on top" and "the dog below." The "dog from above" always tells us that we have to do something and threatens if we don't … The "dog from above" is very straightforward, and the "dog from below" acts in other ways. She says: "Okay, I agree, tomorrow, I will try, if I can only …" year, and the changes never take place. In a conflict between two dogs, the lower one usually wins.
Sound familiar? It becomes clear why there are no changes?
The confrontation between two dogs occurs constantly, sometimes with varying success, but as a result, everything remains in place. Because the force of action is equal to the force of reaction.
How does change happen?
Most often, a client comes to therapy who is not happy with himself and his life and wants to change in order to become happier. Then they, together with the specialist, begin to investigate how he organizes his life. Which of his needs are true, and which are imposed from the outside. How he stops himself from satisfying them and other scenarios that prevent him from moving forward in life, achieving his goals, ultimately becoming happy.
During therapy, the person gradually begins to better understand, accept and respect himself. This is how changes take place. And often they may not be at all the ones he expected when he came to therapy, but undoubtedly the ones that he really needs and that make him a happier and more complete person.
Study and accept yourself! And be happy!
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“A curious paradox arises - when I accept myself as I am, I change. I think this was taught to me by the experience of many clients, as well as my own, namely: we do not change until we unconditionally accept ourselves as we really are. And then the change happens imperceptibly.
