2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Sometimes, when some doors close and you want to immediately open others …
Parting, divorce, the departure of a loved one is always a loss. Any changes that come into our life (transition to a new job, moving children to their own home, separation from a partner) - the loss of what was before, the loss of previously formed adaptations, ideas about ourselves and life. Even if the separation was initiated by the person himself, is regarded as desirable and expected, the psyche still needs time to restructure, process emotions, accept a new way of life and find oneself in this way. Even when leaving the usual ill-fated comfort zone, we experience grief and the need to develop adaptations to a new way of life, a new status, a new self-perception.
The loss can be compared to a postoperative wound. Emotions and thoughts are painful, soul and body suffer. It is quite understandable that one wants to avoid these sensations and experiences. There is a fantasy and a desire to switch to something pleasant and joyful.
I really want not to experience painful emotions, but to dive headlong into a new whirlpool. I want anesthetics, wedge wedge and … hurry …
It should be noted that leaving the partnership we have a certain accumulated deficit of unmet needs. Otherwise, why leave? The desire and need of a person to fill these deficits as quickly as possible is understandable. Therefore, we can often feel an acute need and strive to compensate for all our sorrows and difficult feelings by attracting a new person into our lives, new relationships and new love. I would like to receive recognition of myself as a man / woman, attention, complements, care, participation and support. Feel valuable and interesting, yes, assert yourself, feel that everything is OK with you.
But! There are several insidious risky moments, when from the fire into the fire. Here are the main ones:
- In a hurry to plunge into new happiness, without mourning the loss, emotions that have not been lived, repressed or replaced do not go anywhere. They accumulate and create tension, which can either chronically "hurt" or detonate with a bomb at the most inopportune moment. A number of psychological defenses are also included, a kind of filters for the perception of reality, making it difficult to be in the here and now, to clearly see and perceive reality. As a result, instead of the desired new well-being, you can stumble upon the old rake.
- Our psyche processes everything at its own pace and does not need to be rushed. Do not pull on the grass so that it grows faster. It takes time to go through a whole series of complex processes associated with accepting reality and experiencing emotions. Loop of loss - the process of living in grief, has five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. This normally happens throughout the year.
Let's consider them in order.
Shock stage (denial) - this is that natural anesthesia, which is sometimes not enough and you want supplements. In the first period after breaking up, it may seem that nothing hurts. The psyche thus protects us from the strongest shock. After all, we can not even immediately accept the event as a fact that happened and realize what really happened.
If you try to build new relationships, being psychologically still in the old, then there is a big risk that the new person will be just opium. You can "get hooked" on it and merge, which is extremely dangerous or banal selfishly to use, like a plaster or a plantain.
The grieving person can turn on such psychological defenses as repression ("the waves are beating, but I don't hurt, but I'm happy"), rationalization ("I didn't really want to"), splitting (I won't think about it today, I'll think about it tomorrow), substitution ("Now I have someone to love, for whom to suffer", primitive idealization ("here it is, finally, happiness!")
The anger stage is an important stage. We feel angry when our boundaries (the usual way and conditions of life) are violated or needs are not satisfied, and when they part, they are naturally not satisfied. Acknowledging your anger and being entitled to it is essential.
At this stage, a number of problems may arise in a new relationship due to the triggering of such psychological defenses as projective identification (“all men are bastards, and women are bitches” or acting out (“but you will pay me for everything”).
At the Bidding Stage - there are thoughts about what to break, not build. That, perhaps, it is easier to do a major overhaul than to re-start the construction. Begins to "reach" and his own involvement in what is happening, can arise and pursue a sense of guilt, realize mistakes, there is a desire and attempts to fix everything.
At this stage of living a loss, it is easy to fall under the influence of the psychological defense mechanism of introjection ("this is all because he is a Leo according to the horoscope") or projection - when unspoken questions to yourself or a former partner are already broadcast to the one who is nearby: "you also think, that it was all my fault? " "You are the same as my ex." Psychological Defense Resistance sometimes allows other, innocent partners to try and act out those strategies and tactics that did not work in previous relationships. A person may not even notice that the script is still the same, not working. Or, on the contrary, stubbornly try to push your idea with a new person (because it’s a good idea) without analyzing why it didn’t actually work and didn’t work the last time.
Depression … The darkest time is before dawn. The pain and sorrow are truly painful and unpleasant. This often concerns unfulfilled hopes and unfulfilled expectations. It's important to allow yourself to feel, sad, and cry. You can and should sympathize with yourself and feel sorry for yourself. Many do not know and are ashamed of sadness, mistaking its experience as a manifestation of weakness. But only the strong and conscious can truly be aware of sadness and grief. It is by living the sadness that a kind of transformation and scarring of mental wounds occurs. Acceptance of what happened and awareness of their part of responsibility in what is happening comes.
When trying to escape from heavy natural feelings into a new whirlpool and force rehabilitation, such psychological defense mechanisms as sublimation (“now I’ll come off…”) or regression (“I’ll do a general cleaning in the house of a new gentleman”) may turn on. Regression is an unconscious mechanism of returning to that period of the past when everything was fine and an attempt to continue it well. Sometimes the psyche throws out feints and we, in a wonderful, but not the right way, try with a new partner to start from the place where we left off in the ex-relationship.
Adoption. Well it is development. Acceptance of oneself, the situation, one's loss will inevitably lead to new comprehension, processing and analysis, new decisions and a new sense of self of wholeness and integrity. And in such a state of mind and consciousness, building quality relationships has a good perspective.
Summary. Out of sight, out of mind … - it doesn't happen. Need time. If nothing hurts or pulls, then the question is, who are you and what was it?
Hurrying to turn the page and trying to act in the opposite direction of time, we can be inattentive to our true needs and indiscriminate in our choices.
Unconsciously completing our personal long-running processes and talking unsaid to ghosts from the recent past in the person of new partners, we do not see them in essence. And this is wrong not in relation to yourself, nor to them.
At the same time, it is important not to close yourself off from your close environment, new acquaintances and opportunities. It is important to ask and accept help and support from loved ones, friends, and consult a psychologist. Easier, safer and more reliable, this difficult path is to go with a person you can trust. But other people can only help, but everyone must rise from the ashes, go through these most important stages of revival and rehabilitation for himself. This is the time period that it is important to devote to yourself, your loss, your pain, your soul. Only after that there will be a new chance and a new opportunity to create something new.
Today the word quarantine evokes a frightening association as well. But this article is about the period of getting out of the relationship. In this sense, quarantine and self-isolation is a certain level of self-responsibility and ecological attitude towards oneself and others. After all, new happiness and new love are just around the corner!)
I wish all of us mental strength and resources, quality support, pleasant new acquaintances and happy relationships!
Sincerely, Your psychologist Tatiana Yanenko
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