THE WORLD DIDN'T CUT TO (about Divorce)

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Mommy, why are you crying?

I'm worried about dad, where is he! He hasn't been in touch for three days, I don't know what's wrong with him!

Mommy, don't worry, daddy will be back …

… and tears begin to choke even more after these words, because your daughter, 2, 5 years old, stomps alongside her in the snowdrifts with her little feet and consoles your thirty-year-old aunt. Anxiety, resentment, fears for her husband, who left a couple of months ago, is also joined by guilt in front of her daughter, for the fact that she is now more adult and mature than her mother, she is able to be a container, comfort, calm down, withstand mother's emotions, although she herself is so small and needs protection, support, care. Needs an explanation of the situation, why dad is not there, where did he go, what is happening with mom now, why is mom constantly crying, why is mom emotionally estranged and not available?

What is the most dangerous thing for a child when the parents are divorced?

When a divorce occurs, it is in any case painful for all participants in the process, no matter how peacefully and amicably it goes, but it still affects the emotional part of each person.

The younger the child, the less opportunity he has to comprehend the situation mentally. The younger the child, the more egocentric he is, that is, everything that happens in the world is because of him. It started snowing because he wanted to, they didn't go to the kindergarten because he wanted to, the parents divorced, so this is also because of him. And in the child, GUILT begins to develop, not understandable, not conscious, which simply gradually forms his personality and becomes the main mechanism in the process of his development and perception of the world. GUILT for the whole world, for everything that happens: "I was a bad child, so my dad left me!" …

The feeling “I AM BAD” and the FEAR of losing the beloved object, which were both mom and dad, join the VINA. In our culture, it is accepted that a child stays with his mother during a divorce, therefore, if dad leaves, then there is a fantasy inside that mom can go somewhere, fear of losing mom too, at the same time GUILT for love for my father is formed: “I love dad, but this gives mom suffering! "," I love mom and I'm afraid that she will leave me too. " And the self-centeredness inherent in children begins to acquire even greater proportions … the world seems to begin to revolve around the child, around his incomprehensible experiences, and leads to a false idea of oneself, the so-called false Self is formed with the idea of oneself as omnipotent.

GUILT, FEAR OF LOSS OF FAVORITE OBJECTS, I AM BAD, FALSE Omnipotence, as well as anxieties and other fears, this is not the full spectrum of what a child can form in the event of a divorce.

Unfortunately, divorce is a fairly common phenomenon today and the world does not collapse because of this, it is necessary to learn to live in a new way for both adults and children. THE MAIN THING IS TO CONTINUE LIVING, UNDERSTANDING THAT THE WORLD HAS NOT COLD !!!

The complexity of the divorce situation is that all participants in the process, both parents and children, are in emotional instability. And all parties need support.

HOW TO HELP YOUR CHILD IN DIVORCE?

- It is very important, despite all the resentment towards each other, to find the strength not to interrupt the connection of children with both parents and to respond, if not positively, then at least neutrally about each other: “Dad and mom do not live together, but they still love you, it happens sometimes that adults cannot live with each other. " This will help, firstly, to form the correct picture of the world in the eyes of the child: “I have both mom and dad, I am the same as everyone else! Parents are not together, but they still need me. " It will also help to reduce the child's feeling of guilt for the situation and return responsibility for it to adults. It is not the child's fault, but there is something else that is only mom's and dad's.

- The parent who stays with the children after the divorce receives the main portion of the emotions associated with this process, since he is forced to recycle not only his own experiences, but also the children’s ones, to be a container, like a garbage can. It is important to talk with children about what happened and give them the opportunity to throw out all the emotions and feelings about this, even the most negative, hard to bear - resentment, anger, jealousy, hatred, etc. otherwise children will either fall into painful states (psychosomatics), or worsen behavior, or form misconceptions about the world as a whole. For example, the situation - the parents separated, the boy suffers a lot, misses his father and becomes especially aggressive towards his mother, a dialogue begins between them:

The son wants to call his father, his mother begins to withdraw from the conversation, translate it to another topic, but the boy continues:

- Mom, I don’t love you, I want my dad to come back!

Mom pulls herself together and decides to have a heart-to-heart talk.

-Yes, son, you are very angry with me and you love dad very much.

The son begins to get angry even more, throwing toys and crying, because mom just got into a sore spot.

Mom, continuing to contain, withstand his feelings, returns responsibility to herself, continuing to talk about difficultly tolerated emotions:

-Yes, it's sad that dad is not with us, you miss him.

With her reaction, the mother withstood the aggression of her son, understood the true nature of his emotions, supported him and made him understand that his grievances have a right to exist, he is not the culprit of the situation, the world has not collapsed, that even in this situation it is possible to live on.

- Another important point to pay attention to. In case of divorce, parents, especially mothers, tend to push their anger, aggression, resentment, which is addressed to the ex-spouse, into the child. This is the situation when the roles change and the child becomes a trash can and is forced to process the feelings of adults, withstand accusations and anger: “You are the same as your father!”, “Your father did that too,” etc. But even, if this happened and you still fell for the children, it is important to pause and think about who you are really angry with, who this object is. Try to share these emotions in the future!

This is far from all that it is important for parents to understand if there is a break in the relationship, because there are also other kinds of situations in which it is necessary, as it were, to move away from the situation emotionally and think about it "from the outside". For example, parents categorically cannot communicate with each other, or the divorce situation was too emotional, perverted, where children witnessed physical and moral violence. There are situations when children stay with their father, and the mother leaves, etc. In such cases, often adults are not able to help, support their child, and here it is important to get timely help for both the parent and the children. After all, in each of us there lives a small child who wakes up in situations of traumatic, painful and also needs support and explanation: yes, it is hard and painful when they leave, when a family collapses, when children suffer because of this, but the world does not collapse, the sun is still shining, the morning is still coming, the child is still growing.

… and to the phrase “Mommy, don't cry, dad will come back!” - you can answer: “Yes, darling, you miss your dad and you are sad !!! "AND GIVE AN OPPORTUNITY TO CRY ON HER SHOULDER BY MOTHER, AND GIVE TO UNDERSTAND:" EVERYTHING IS GOOD, I'M WITH YOU !!!"