2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
For the introduction and entertainment of the public - cases from my practice. (all names, details and other details have been changed - the essence is left).
I remember the excited mother of the boy comes to me for consultation: the child is 12 years old, but he fell in love and misses lessons. Among other things, there was a question: whether to talk to him about IT (sex). Since my mother herself was very embarrassed to talk about this topic, I advised her to buy her a good book on this topic. Mom wondered if the child would want to read, since she doesn't really like to read. As a result, the book was bought. The child snorted haughtily when he saw it and … read it in one day. It was a double benefit - I learned about sex from a good source and improved my reading speed.
It was in the old days, when I worked as a counselor with difficult teenagers and the burden of education in the psychological field did not put pressure on me yet. We had one such boy, well, just "Little Johnny" from an anecdote. To make it clearer for you what kind of person he is: he somehow brings a closed box and happily shows me: "Ruth, guess what's in the box?" In general, there was a snake. I am still proud of myself, for seeing her I did not yell (but really wanted to), but happily smiled and chirped: "Oh, what a snake, but where did you find it?" The pupil was disappointed and did not carry any more snakes for me. Another time, he came to an evening tea party with a joyous grin and a condom inflated to its maximum size. I didn’t have time to think about the situation, and immediately decided to use the educational moment: "Well done, good that he brought, let's all learn how to put a condom on a cucumber!" You should have seen his embarrassed face.
But seriously, in my consultations, I very often meet parents who do not know how to talk to children about sex. It seems to be clear already that it is necessary to talk about this, but how - it is not clear. In short:
1. It is necessary to speak honestly and clearly, but according to age. Starting from adolescence - you can talk about everything.
2. If you find it difficult to talk about it - practice, best of all with your spouse. At the same time, it will be useful for you as a couple. If you were surprised by this proposal, then you should know: one of the important foundations of a healthy relationship is communication (V. Satir). In a relationship, it's important to be able to talk to each other about relationships, including sex. More on this another time.
3. Don't lie or scare. Think about what you want to achieve with your conversation.
If the child is small - then answer only his specific questions, without unnecessary details that he did not ask for. At an early age, usually these are questions related to specific situations: pregnancy of a mother, seen genetics of a child of the opposite sex, copulating animals or parents taken by surprise, etc. It is often good to return the question to the child: what do you think? what do you think about it? And so on. It is important to understand what exactly he wants to know and why, and according to this to conduct a conversation. Do not overload with unnecessary information.
If you are talking to a teenager and are afraid that your child will have sex too early, believe me - you will not stop him with false information. The truth is, having sex is enjoyable, healthy, and normal. You are doing this. You don't want the child to think with horror that his beloved parents (parent) are suffering or are doing something dirty or painful.
So it is important to explain that sex must necessarily be by mutual agreement, when it is pleasant to both, that you can stop at any time, at the request of either side, that this is important and good. And that you need to be ready for such a rapprochement. Because it's important, wonderful, and very intimate. After all, we are talking about our body, which we love and appreciate. Usually, all conditions, including maturity, do not appear soon. And children understand this. I often heard from teenagers: "We have been dating for two years, but we are not ready yet."Believe me, your children are adequate and want something good for themselves! They want an enjoyable experience. This is what orient them to.
3 … If you have experienced sexual assault, then the situation becomes more complicated. Remember, this is not your fault. Sexual abuse is primarily violence, humiliation, it is not a form of sex. Don't confuse talking about sex and relationships with talking about violenceIf you feel that your experience of violence will affect what you say, then either consult with a specialist or delegate the conversation to someone else.
4. Be aware that your child may have had sexual intercourse. He will not necessarily tell you about it. … Anyway, do not judge … Even if it seems to you that it is early and wrong. It is important to be with the child and understand the situation. If this is difficult for you, talk to a specialist, read about it. It is important that the child knows that he has your support and you are on his side, even if he is wrong or confused. Condemnation and prohibitions repel and force you to withdraw into yourself. Breathe deeply and listen.
5 … Porn … If your teenage child has seen porn (if you think not, then chances are you are wrong), then it's worth mentioning that porn is a movie. And as in any film, everything in it is pretend, and not like in life. The main differences are: size (special angles, operations, etc.)., The duration of intercourse (actors take special pills, there is still editing, etc.), circumstances - nevertheless, plumbers usually do not expect a beauty in their pens. There is a lot of violence in pornography. According to research, many young people who watched a lot of porn and masturbated had difficulty getting erections in real sex.
6. Masturbation. Contrary to popular belief in the Soviet past, masturbation is normal and not harmful to health. Girls masturbate too and that's okay too. Adolescence is a period of hormonal explosion. Think for yourself, which is better - to masturbate at the age of 13 or urgently look for a sexual partner? …
7. There are many good books on sex for children and teens. Place on the shelf. With children, it is important to look together and explain.
Ruth Dorum
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