2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
There is another category of victims who feel ashamed for the violence committed against them. I call this "imposed consent." These people (no matter men or women) rarely state what happened, because they consider themselves to be guilty. And it's not about low self-esteem, but about the fact that they are used to being responsible for their decisions. Including those who have unpleasant consequences
When I met such people at the beginning of my psychological practice, I was surprised that they talked about what happened with a laugh, and sometimes even with a challenge.
1) - And then he took me to his place and raped me. Well, how he raped me. I was too drunk, I got into the car myself.
- And then? Has she declared somewhere?
- And then what? She waited for the morning and ran away. Whom to declare. Well I myself agreed.
“But you didn't want intimacy, did you?
- I wanted - I didn't want to. What's the difference now.
- Do you blame yourself?
- And who?
2) I don't remember anything at all. When I woke up, he said that the night was wonderful. I know that I was not going to sleep with him, but somehow I ended up in his bed. It's my own fault, I didn't have to visit and drink.
3) "We were sitting in a cafe and I felt bad. My head was spinning, he called a taxi, and we drove to me. He made me tea, put me in bed, lay down next to me. I tried to refuse, but he was so persistent, and I there was no strength to resist."
All these stories, as a blueprint. Someone's defense mechanisms help erase the incident from memory. Someone has learned to pretend that he doesn't care. Someone refers to what happened as an absurd accident. But with experience, I've learned to recognize sadness, regret, shame, and even fear behind bravado and feigned indifference.
The consequences of such incidents are similar to PTSD - denial, nightmares, guilt, anger, sudden attacks of anxiety, difficulty building relationships and trust. In fact, this is PTSD. It's just that the circumstances of the incident are so blurred that the victim himself begins to doubt himself.
Samavinovating is a terrible thing that eats away from the inside. This, by the way, is actively used by fans of the date rape, who convince the victim that she herself agreed, provoked, did not stop in time.
In fact, of course, violence is always the culprit's fault. And in what happened there is no fault of the injured party. But try to share it publicly. How much sympathy and support will you get? "Why did I drink, where did I go, why did I not resist, I have to think with my head." That is why victims of "imposed consent" prefer to remain silent and secretly wipe away their tears or grit their teeth so as not to scream out of pain and shame, because it is very scary to realize that you yourself "agreed" to such a thing. Especially if it isn't.
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