Abusers, Victims, Rescuers Which Of The Following Causes Pity, Sympathy, A Desire To Help?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Strange question, you may be thinking now. But in fact, my question is far from strange.

Why does a person become an abuser (tyrant)?

Yes, because there is so much fear and anxiety in his mental space, which actually appeared when he himself was a victim, that the only right decision for him, not conscious. It was decided to choose this leading role from the Karpman triangle. The role of which a little tired, afraid child just screams. A child who felt his anger and fear of the same children, before his anger and accepted this leading role as the only possible one for life.

Leading yes, but the tyrant does not always remain in this role. And like any other person (with rare exceptions), he also periodically sacrifices. After all, not only is there always a tyrant for every tyrant, but also the childhood traumatic experience that brought him into this role constantly reminds of himself with pain.

Pain that a person tries to hide even from himself. And that at each new meeting with a person who is a victim, it seems to begin to ring the bells. She becomes so intolerable that his inner tyrant has no choice but to either punish the "victim" for her role, or remove her from his path, or start "saving".

Punishing, getting out of the way and saving, in fact, it's all about himself, about his inner sacrifice. It is her that he wants to punish, remove and save.

The tyrant seems to see himself in another. Not all of himself, but those parts of his personality that he really wants to get rid of and which he simply hates.

It is not uncommon to hear from a tyrant that he wanted the best when he tyrannized his victim over and over again. After all, he really wanted the victim to finally stop being such and stop showing him his and his own pain. So he was once taught and now the tyrant teaches others. This is actually the role of the rescuer. I will save you, you will cease to be a victim …

The abuser doesn't really want to be with the "victim", but he reaches out to her again and again. Just like the victim seeks the tyrant again and again. The system strives for integrity. They seek to punish, save and change each other, but …

But in fact, both go in circles. After all, in fact, they want to change themselves, even the victim, even the tyrant, that part of them that they see and hate and fear in the other. And until the focus of attention returns to itself, to itself, nothing will change.

Dealing with your pain is actually not easy and scary. Therefore, people with the leading role of the victim come to a psychologist much more often than those living from the role of a tyrant. After all, it is much more familiar to the victim to talk about suffering than to the tyrant.

People with the leading roles of tyrant, rescuer and victim are very empathic. After all, empathy helps them to survive, to adapt in any conditions, in accordance with their role. And the fact that today a person lives in the role of a victim does not at all mean that tomorrow he will not turn into a tyrant. And the tyrant is sacrificed. It all depends on who will be next, with what leading role.

Thanks to well-developed empathy, a male abuser can give the impression of a gallant gentleman, beautifully courting as if reading a woman's thoughts and doing exactly what she likes, but … But for the time being. After all, he himself needs attention, but he cannot accept it, because he does not have the habit of accepting. After all, he is constantly waiting for some kind of trick. And as a result, the swing begins. I won't. Give - don't give. I want to be with you, I don’t want to be with you. I love and hate. I will punish, I will caress. Give as I want, but I don't know how I want.

All that is happening in his mental space, a person brings into relations with people. And while there is a lot of pain in the psyche, there will be a lot of uncontrollable anger. And the desire to save someone, especially without a person's request for it.

Tracked a desire to regret and save a familiar abuser? Or punish?

Then it's time to look inside yourself. In their own roles as a tyrant and rescuer. And in his role as a victim.

Invite them to have a heart-to-heart talk on their own or come with them to therapy with a psychologist.

And for starters, you can answer the questions:

- whom do I really want to save, punish?

- what secondary benefit am I pursuing in this rescue, in the desire to punish?

- what (whom) am I really afraid of?

Tired of being in a relationship with an abuser? From the role of the victim? From being a lifeguard? From the role of a tyrant? And you can't get out of the usual framework on your own. Then it's time to take the help of a psychologist. Yes, it will not be easy, but sometime you need to start.

Come, let's walk this path together.

And remember that it is not possible to help someone who does not want to accept help.

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