2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
When we talk about relationships, it seems that there are two involved: the marriage partner, the parent and the child, the boss and the subordinate. But are there always only two people involved in a relationship?
Consider an example: there is a couple, they are building their relationship. And in a conditionally healthy version, what happens to this couple concerns only the two of them. Emotions that arise in a couple remain there, all conflicts are resolved through direct discussion, and other people are not involved to "drain" emotions or find out which of the partners is right or wrong.
In reality, there may be many other options: they quarrel, and someone leaves to complain to friends / girlfriends about a partner. Or he calls his parents. Or complains about a partner to children, if any. Or starts a real or virtual connection on the side. Or goes to work, drunkenness or gambling. And now our interaction from "one-to-one" goes into the category of "triangle".
One of the most famous descriptions of this type of relationship is the so-called Karpman triangle … The distribution of roles in it is as follows:
1. The victim is the most important character in the story. It is the Victim who initiates the triangular interaction and attracts other participants in the process. What is characteristic of this role? This is a "poor lamb" that you really want to either regret or crack. These two desires are the main motives for the other two roles - the Rescuer and the Tyrant (or, as he is also called, the Persecutor).
If you go back to my example with a couple, then the Victim will be the partner who starts to complain to third parties about the other. For example, a wife who tells her friends that her husband is such a scoundrel, is rude, does not work, does not help around the house, and in general. The goal here is not only a clearly visible desire for support, but also to attract friends to their side, so that they feel sorry for the "poor thing." At the same time, the husband acts as an antihero, opposed to the unjustly offended wife. By the way, the feeling of resentment and guilt is typical for a person in this position.
2. The persecutor is, in fact, the negative hero of this very dramatic story. He is the concentration of all the aggression and all the destruction that is in these relationships. And his behavior really reflects this: he can use physical or emotional violence, or be passive-aggressive.
In my quarrel example, the Persecutor would be the husband who "got drunk / hit again", who bullies his wife, forcing her to obey or controlling her every move.
3. For the sake of completeness, only one character is missing - the Rescuer. This is the same hero who comes to solve her problems for the victim (often even if she does not ask for it). It contains all kindness and cordiality, but in fact it does not improve the situation, but quite the opposite. “Rescue” leads to the fact that the Victim is even more established in his role, since the Rescuer deprives her of responsibility for what is happening.
In a situation of quarreling partners, the rescuer can be, for example, a compassionate friend who promises to "talk" with the other party.
This triangle can include not only individuals, but also, for example, working in the role of the Persecutor, who takes all the strength from an unhappy person who has no time for anything else. Such a triangular relationship is also clearly noticeable in families where there are addicts - alcohol can be both a Tyrant and a Rescuer who glues the family together. A child can often become a Rescuer in an attempt to protect one parent from attacks from another. Well, and also a triangle can be formed in the version of a husband-wife-lover, who, with her warmth and affection, wants to snatch the unfortunate man from the tenacious paws of a cold wife.
I am deliberately using exaggerated examples to show how common triangles are in relationships.
What are the characteristics of such a relationship?
- Incredibly vivid emotions - both negative and positive. Here you have a stormy quarrel and a tearful reconciliation. Such emotional storms are literally addictive and make it very difficult to get out of such a relationship.
- Lack of development - the situation repeats itself over and over again. People or external circumstances may change, but the general outline of the story will be constant. This, in turn, creates a habit and influences the building of relationships in the future.
- The inability to resolve the situation if you are part of a triangle. To transform the triangle into a healthy relationship, you need to get out of it. And this can be done only by realizing what is happening and what is my role in the situation.
Are there any options for a healthy relationship involving three?
Yes, for example, two parents and a child. Their relationship can be considered healthy if there is a clear hierarchy: parents are equal and above the child. The rules established by each of the parents are the same, the dad does not cancel the mother's ban. The child is not involved in parental conflicts, and his conflicts with mom or dad are resolved separately with mom or dad, respectively.
Another option is to involve a neutral third party, such as a mediator or psychologist, to deal with the situation. This is a specially trained specialist who will not be involved in finding out "right-guilty" or taking sides. His task will be to find out the needs of each partner and help find ways to meet them.
Thus, triangular relationships are a common variant of destructive relationships, but awareness and clear personal boundaries allow you to stay in a constructive plane.
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