2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Why do you want to renew your relationship with your ex? What aspects should you pay attention to in order to make the right decision for yourself - to converge or not?
So, the first reason is looking at yourself in the past, especially if you are now alone, it seems to you that then everything was beautiful and romantic in the relationship (you hugged, kissed, walked, etc.), so you forget all the negativity. This phenomenon is quite common. Accordingly, now you are sure that your partner was wonderful, and you need to renew the relationship.
The next reason is that you have the hope to correct what was wrong, and most importantly, to change yourself in this relationship, you will be able to show yourself from a better perspective. This is a very deep neurotic feeling, often unconscious and based on some kind of guilt or shame for their behavior in previous relationships. Moreover, many people are prone to auto-aggression and auto-accusations (“We broke up because I said the wrong thing, did the wrong thing, looked the wrong way, and in general this was not worth saying! You could have kept silent in response!”) … Conventionally, if life offers you to “repeat” all over again, you will strive to play the whole story in a different way so that your partner stays (this way you can prove to yourself that you are worth something). This behavior has very deep roots, it is a neurotic desire from early childhood (age 3-5 and even earlier!).
From infancy, we believe that the world around us revolves around us. Little children often say: "Grandma, I made us morning!" How? I opened my eyes and the morning came! Indeed, since childhood, we all believed that if dad and mom do not get along well, mom gets angry and in a bad mood, the blame lies entirely with us. With age, you need to realize that we are not guilty of everything, we do not have the ability to control everything in life. However, if this awareness is not integrated into the human psyche, he is inclined to return to the place where he made a mistake or made a mistake (“This way I can change everything and prove to myself that I am a fine fellow!”). This behavior is typical for especially anxious people who tend to try to control their lives. To admit that everything in life can be unstable, and the world can collapse at any moment, is too scary for them. And the feeling of fear is so strong that you need to prove to yourself - “I control everything! Everything is in my hands!".
What fears do we have when trying to renew a relationship with an ex? Disappointment and pain. More often than not, we are not taught to experience these very feelings. If you are experiencing frustration and pain on the brink of death, consider psychotherapy sessions.
In general, life consists of painful moments to one degree or another. The only difference is that someone has learned to experience pain in a relationship with a partner, not to immerse himself in it completely with body and soul, with the whole psyche and heart, so that the painful sensations become tearing and unbearable; for others, this step is rather difficult. In the latter case, the person will rather avoid the relationship or break it off “in advance”, on the edge (“The pain is about to begin, so I’d better run away now and control when exactly this pain comes!”). The situation is similar with anxiety and control. Why is this happening? As a child, we were not taught to live through pain and disappointment, mothers, fathers, grandparents themselves did not know what to do with a crying child, they closed him in the room (calm down - you will come) or scolded him for tears ("Fuuu, boys don't cry!", "Fuuu, you're a girl! Why are you behaving like that in public?"). Accordingly, you still do not know how to cope with these deep feelings. What to do? Learn to experience pain, to develop within yourself some kind of resource that will allow you to cope with painful sensations. Often this is mental tranquility - this is how life is arranged, there is nothing to worry about; I am in pain, which means I live, grow, etc. Of course, this will not stop hurting, but it will be easier for you to get through unpleasant painful moments.
How do you make the final decision - is it worth dating your ex-boyfriend / girlfriend?
- Analyze what was especially valuable about your ex. Think if you really cannot find such qualities in another person? Is this just his trait or a trait of your contact directly?
- While you are experiencing the grief of losing a loved one, try to remove the illusion ("Yes! I will not find such qualities in anyone else!"). At this point, the return can be "running in a circle." If you have passed this stage, then you understand that the desired qualities can be found in another person, but in a former partner you still want to check the contact, try again (especially if you had a rather deep communication).
- Ask yourself - are you going into a relationship with the illusion that everything will be fine for sure? And give an honest answer to this question! If there is such an illusion, we are talking about neuroticism.
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Think about whether you still have trust and respect for your ex? Often people renew relationships, but there is no more trust and respect in the couple, and rather it is a dubious attempt to “knock out” trust from a person (“Well, prove to me that you are worthy!”), But this story is more about revenge (“You I was hurt / hurt, now prove it, comfort me, calm me down, do everything to make it easier for me! Now you owe me! "). On the unconscious feelings of rage and hatred, when, on the one hand, "I am bad" and must now do everything right, and on the other hand, "You are not doing anything the way I want!", It is unlikely that something worthwhile will turn out.
If you still have feelings, be sure to discuss them with your partner and therapist, and then try to realize. Even if these are feelings of aggression and anger, they can also be realized in some beautiful verbal form ("Yes, you hurt me then. How could you do that? It was really hard for me!"). Express your emotions not with accusations and attacks (“How could you do that ?!”), but with a sincere desire to understand your partner, to figure out what motivated him in a painful situation for you. If you do not seek to act out some of your early history, such a relationship has a chance to exist.
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