Reasons For Divorce. A Set Of Family Mistakes That You Might Not Even Think About

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The reasons for divorce are different. Few people think that a large percentage of divorces are due to mistakes that were made at the initial stage of family formation. I would like to tell you about a set of family mistakes that arise due to differences in the social status of a husband and wife.

While you are thinking about this, I will say the main thing: As a practicing psychologist, I clearly see that in the matter of balancing the social status of spouses, modern society openly deceives everyone. In magazines and television broadcasts, they regularly say that the significant differences between husband and wife in social status allegedly do not matter at all. Say, even if the husband is a big boss, and the wife is a housewife, but this is all complete nonsense, because they both wanted it. They talked about it aloud, the husband himself said that his wife, a housewife, would arrange him, and the wife said that she was tired of working “for her uncle,” she would gladly cook meals for her husband and watch TV series. Or, the wife is a middle-class leader, and the husband has a simple working profession: a driver, a locksmith, a plumber, a window or door installer, a combine operator. But all these are small things, compared to the fact that they love each other and they have a child. Therefore, in this couple, everything will always be only good.

Five main mistakes of spouses on the issue of social status:

Mistake 1 Reasons for divorce. Spouses supposedly should treat their "family halves" all their lives in the same way as it was at the time of the beginning of their relationship, based on their then social status. Especially if it used to be higher than it is now. I will give clear examples.

Example 1. Let's say a guy met his future wife when he was 24 years old, he was already working in some organization, earning money. His girlfriend, in her 20s, still studied at the university, did not work anywhere. The social status of their parents was similar - “state employees / middle peasants”. At this point in time, the social status was objectively higher for the man. He had money, he provided leisure, the girl treasured him very much. People started a family, fifteen years have passed. The guy remained a manager or an average civil servant, but the girl made a successful career, became a big boss or a business woman. From old memory, a man considers himself to be the main one in the family and demands obedience from his wife in making any decisions. But a woman, relying on her high recognition by others, has a different opinion on this matter. In this case, memories of past social status clearly came into conflict with harsh reality. If the husband does not raise his social status to the level of his wife (and higher), or does not learn to obey her at least sometimes, the case may well end in divorce.

Example 2. At the time of their acquaintance, a man and a woman were in the same social status: they studied together, their parents had a similar social status. After creating a family, someone remained “to work for an uncle,” another family member started doing business, organized his own business, became an owner, objectively raised his status up. The once equal relationship between spouses, built including (except for love), also on an equal social status, gradually began to deform. Big money began to spoil the spouse (s) - a businessman, relations began to deteriorate. If the socially taller spouse does not reduce his agility, or the socially inferior partner does not raise his status, things can end up sadly. This is because one of the couple is still guided by their memories. But the most interesting thing is that one of the spouses did not reduce his social status: It’s just that the other half grew up! In this case, there is actually no obvious deterioration in the status, it is only relative to the other partner. But, the result can still be disastrous.

Mistake 2 Reasons for divorce. Spouses should treat their "family halves" for their whole life based on the social status of their parents (high or low)

I will give clear examples.

Example 1. The guy met his future wife when he and his chosen one were students. The guy's parents worked at school, but the girl's parents had a serious business, they were part of the city's elite. The guy treated them with deserved respect and even apprehension. The girl herself was used to the fact that everyone around her always perceives her through the prism of parental power, she took it for granted.

Ten years have passed. After the economic crisis of 2008, the wife's parents lost most of their fortune, turned into middle-class businessmen, retired less than five minutes. Their daughter, after graduating from medical university, became an ordinary pediatrician in the district clinic. But her husband, starting with a gas station dispatcher, then organized five of his own gas stations, became a very rich man. Of course, his attitude towards his wife and her parents has undergone certain changes. According to his wife, the man did not begin to treat them worse, just disappeared that “aspiration” and that “piety” with which he once addressed his wife, her mother and father. The family conflict eventually arose almost from scratch: the wife (on her own initiative) began to regularly reprimand her husband that he was an ungrateful brute who, after the 2008 crisis, began to call her parents three times less. Perhaps this was the case, however, this is not the reason for a serious deterioration in family relations. Deciding that the wife was being directed by her parents, the husband actually began to call her parents less often. They actually began to take offense. As a result, the wife left her husband to live with her parents, and then, embarrassed to just go back, she turned to a family psychologist for mediation. And such stories are not uncommon!

Example 2. The parents of a rather beautiful girl were from an orphanage, dad worked all his life as a driver, mom - as a nurse. At the institute, the girl became friends with a guy whose parents were middle-ranking officials. They were very skeptical about the prospects of marriage, they hardly accepted the girl. To the guy's credit, the marriage did take place. The girl became a master of sports, an honored trainer, her husband became a police colonel. However, the girl all her life felt that she was treated “somehow wrong”, sometimes she had to hear that the man and his parents simply took pity on the girl from a poor family. This had a bad effect on the peace of mind in the family and the intimate relationships of the spouses. As a result, the spouse brought his wife to a family psychologist with complaints that for the last six months he and his wife practically did not communicate, there is no intimate life.

Mistake 3 Reasons for divorce. Spouses should treat their “married halves” based only on their status, regardless of their income level. This often leads to a conflict between social status and the real level of income and importance in the family. I will give clear examples.

Example 1. A 37-year-old man was a civil servant, considered himself a "bird of high flight." At the same time, the level of his salary was just over a thousand dollars, there were no special "kalyms". His wife in rented premises created a network of small tanning salons, earning almost three thousand dollars a month. The main earner of the family was objectively the wife. However, the "statesman" stubbornly considered himself "a serious person who decides matters", and his wife - "a small owner of heaters." The husband's attitude to his wife was almost like a loser. A conflict in the family flared up over the renovation of cars. Earlier in the family, my husband had a Toyota Corolla, his wife had a Honda Fit. Then my wife decided to change to a new Mazda-seven. The husband said that his wife hadn’t deserved such an expensive car yet, but he asked for a Toyota Camry. The wife tried to find out why she "did not deserve". Hearing the usual statement that no one knows her, and that the head of the district and even the mayor know her husband personally, the woman flew into a rage and called him "a gigolo, who got a good job at a successful businesswoman." After that, the husband left home for a departmental hotel, lived there for ten days and came to his wife to make up. The wife decided to put up with a psychologist.

Example 2. The wife was the headmaster of the school, the husband had a mini-bakery with a pavilion "Hot muffin". By truth or by crook, my wife earned one and a half to two thousand dollars a month, she was a famous and respected person in the area. However, she was very tired, receiving reprimands from all the controlling authorities, she was constantly ill, suffered from pressure. Having rebuilt the business for a long time, my husband did not strain, spent whole days doing crosswords, watching football and hockey, drinking a little beer. At the same time, he had up to three thousand dollars a month. This, as it seemed to her, "unfair state of affairs" terribly annoyed her wife, she regularly said to two children: "Dad is a quitter, and mom is a hard worker! In no case do not grow up the same! " Feeling a prejudiced attitude towards himself, the man stopped perceiving his wife as a woman and started a mistress. The wife immediately filed for divorce, but the eldest daughter (15 years old) unexpectedly announced that after the divorce she would live with her dad, since he has more money, and most importantly, he lives and communicates calmly, does not yell or scandal! An enraged woman "for reeducation" brought her rebellious daughter to a family psychologist. After talking with my daughter, I delved into the situation and took her side. The woman (after a certain struggle, resentment and even tears) was nevertheless persuaded to come to me again, but this time with her husband. This couple managed to reconcile, forcing the woman to accept the situation exactly as it is, stopping to bully her husband.

Mistake 4 Reasons for divorce. Spouses should relate to their “family halves” based not on their real social status, but on the basis of ideas about the status of their environment. I will give clear examples.

Example 1. The guy worked as an ordinary average manager, earned little, but from the institute he was friends with fellow students who joined the "party of power" on time, became deputies of the local City Council. Communicating with them and other representatives of the "cream of society", the guy learned to behave arrogantly and began to demand unquestioning obedience from those around him. His wife worked as a teacher at the university, defended her Ph. D. thesis. Although she received less than her husband, she respected herself. After three years of marriage and repeated “Shut your mouth!” From the husband, who returned from another VIP trip to a nightclub, the wife packed up her things and went to her parents.

Unfortunately, this pair could not be saved. …

Error 5 Reasons for divorce. Spouses should relate to their "family halves" based not on their real social status, but on some idea of what status they will have in the future. I will give clear examples.

Example 1. Returning from the army, the guy married his school love, bought a Gazelle car and began to engage in freight transport. The business did not develop much, the guy liked to play roulette, sometimes he smoked hashish. The wife worked as a manicure master in a beauty salon, had a talent for communication, quickly became incredibly popular, earning three to five times more than her husband. The husband naively considered himself a "businessman and cool", his wife considered himself a "small Sabbath". After scandals on the topic “who should treat whom and for what respect,” the guy went into a binge, and the girl went to a family psychologist. The guy refused to come to the psychologist, I don't know how this story ended. But, as a practitioner, I assume a divorce.

And now the most important thing …..the reasons for the divorce

As a practitioner of family psychology, I am categorically against various dangerous family illusions! Including, against the illusion that, supposedly, differences in the social status of the spouses (that is, in the position in society) mean absolutely nothing. They mean, and how they mean! Moreover, they mean definitely in the bad direction. And if you ask me, what about in such a situation to be: not to marry and not to get married at all, or file for divorce immediately in the event of a husband's career advancement or his wife turns into a housewife? Like, why pull something, you still have to get divorced, in view of the revealed social inequality? And in general, how do couples live then for many years and decades, where the spouses initially had a huge difference in social status? (Plus, usually, also at the age of partners: after all, high social status is almost always the result of a long life path, and low social status is often the starting position of men and women between the ages of twenty and thirty)

I answer: in the psychology of love and family relationships, and indeed in life, there is a very important compensation principle … Compensation is one of the forms of mutually beneficial exchange between people, when they change something between themselves. Moreover, a commodity, or, more broadly, an object of exchange, can be anything, including any feelings and emotions: vivid impressions, pride, pride, sexual satisfaction, etc. etc.

People are strange people. At the stage of the beginning of friendship, during the candy-bouquet period, everyone seems to understand that it is quite possible to buy a partner's smile for a chocolate bar or a bouquet of flowers, a ticket to a cinema or theater. In a period of crisis in relations, everyone understands that the feelings of a cooling man can again be shaken up with good sex, and the mercy of an irritated woman can be bought with a fur coat, a gym membership or a solarium, or, in extreme cases, a ticket to the warm sea. But not everyone knows that this rule also works in the case of gradual separation of partners from each other due to the increasing differences in their social status. Those who know the necessary rules and strictly follow them live excellently. Those who do not know these rules, or know, but because of their laziness or stupidity, cannot follow them - sooner or later they lose their "halves" and the family as a whole. How is the rule for compensating for differences in the social status of spouses formulated? It is perfectly understandable. I quote.

The rule of compensation for differences in the social status of spouses: If one of the spouses achieves a high social status in his life, and the second cannot boast of similar successes, then the latter must either achieve a similar high status, or compensate for his inconsistency with a more successful partner with some other, valuable for family life, qualities from this list of "dozens of family benefits":

- an ideal figure and ability to look good;

- sexual activity;

- excellent household and economic qualities;

- excellent character and conflict-free demeanor (no harsh words, no assault in the family);

- the ability to create a warm and sincere atmosphere in communication in the family;

- the ability to organize interesting and varied leisure, a positive attitude to the hobbies and hobbies of your partner;

- the birth of two or three or more children, patience, dedication and creativity in their upbringing;

- excellent attitude towards the parents and friends of the more successful "half", as well - towards his (her) children from a previous marriage;

- lack of such bad habits as craving for alcohol or drugs;

- excluding any reason for jealousy or accusations of treason.

Note. Even if the "partner of the second social rank" does not want to remain in his lower social status all his life, but consciously strives to reach the level of the "partner of the first social rank", then up to the moment of achieving this high status,s / he is nevertheless required to follow the compensation rule. Otherwise, conflicts and divorce are practically guaranteed.

Now I will give you clear examples where the reasons for divorce may turn out to be completely different

Example 1. Oleg, a forty-year-old businessman husband, filed for divorce from his housewife wife Irina. The son is 15 years old. The fact that the wife of the last nine years has been a housewife is a joint decision of the spouses. In this regard, the husband has no moral or material claims against his wife. Wife to husband - too. The family just decided so. Formally, the reasons for divorce are the appearance of a young mistress for the husband. However, for me, as a family psychologist, in fact, divorce is the result of a violation of the principle of compensation. Namely, that:

- There is only one child in the family, the wife did not give birth to a second child (although the woman's age and level of prosperity allowed it), because she was already used to a comfortable life and did not want to go through the hardships of the beginning of motherhood again.

- The woman lost interest in intimate life, periodically refused her husband in various types of intimacy.

- A woman, having excellent financial opportunities (going to the gym and spa salons), lost her physical attractiveness, launched a figure, at forty she dresses as if she were under fifty (although she is dressed very expensively, in brands), her husband is embarrassed to go out with her. …

I emphasize: for me, the reasons for the divorce lie not at all in the mistress, and not even in the fact that the business husband suddenly became bored with his wife-housewife and there is nothing to talk about! The reason for the divorce is in the wife's failure to fulfill the principle of compensation: the woman decided that she could live in complete comfort at the expense of her husband, and not try to make him happy at the same time. Or rather: trying to make him happy in an outdated way. But, alas: "gray hair in the beard - a devil in the rib!" A forty-year-old man suddenly wanted sex, an elastic body, a beautiful woman nearby, snowmobiling together, elementary - more children! And then there was not enough guaranteed soup and a quiet wife in cozy house slippers.

Example 2. Sergey, man, 37 years old, a major regional leader on the railway. Wife, Larisa, 34 years old, child 7 years old. The wife has been a housewife for 7 years. She does not crawl out of gyms, a dazzling beauty with a wonderful figure. Larissa is always her husband's skiing partner, knows two languages, and has always been responsible for organizing family leisure activities in the Alps. The husband filed for divorce after learning that Larissa sometimes allows herself to meet men and sit with them in coffee shops while the child is in a music school or swimming pool (mother herself drove and brought her son in an expensive Lexus). In this case, the wife's guilt in treason has not been proven, however, the husband firmly decided: the wife violated the unwritten rules of the game, so you need to part with her.

In some pair of state employees, because of this, they would have scandalized a couple of times, and they would have lived on. But with a colossal gap in social status, jealousy is an unacceptable game with matches! The violation of the compensation rule was that the woman did not provide her husband with peace of mind, caused jealousy and therefore was punished. Unfortunately, together with the child.