2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Anger and irritation are feelings that parents try in every possible way to avoid in upbringing, but these feelings still find a way out in the form of undesirable consequences for children. Anger is an inevitable feeling. Inside the parent sits a voice that whispers or orders that it is forbidden to shout at children, that it is wrong, bad, etc. But at the same time, anger and irritation do not go anywhere and in many situations they roll up to the throat so much that they are about to break through. What to do, how to deal with these feelings?
It is important to give yourself the right to get angry, to shout. Allow yourself to do it. Perhaps someone will be outraged by my application for the resolution of anger. How is it, yelling at a child? But let's look at it in order. To begin with, I will divide the anger into "fair" and "unjust." It is just "fair" anger that can and should be expressed. What it is? In situations where the child made you very anxious, hurt you, did something that is at odds with parental values. Our strong reaction in this case will give the child a sign that something is wrong, that he is in something wrong. If you explain your feelings to your child (“I'm angry with you because …”), he will take note of this emotionally colored information and will be able to draw the right conclusions. As a result, he will be able to correct himself, he will understand that if he does exactly this action in a day, a week, he will receive exactly the same unpleasant reaction from his mother, and, accordingly, will not do it. It is very important in this situation to track what you are angry and say about it. Pronouncing feelings reduces the degree of emotionality, and your emotions do not accumulate, do not get stuck in the body. It's not always easy to do, but as the saying goes, a skill with frequent use can turn into a habit.
But there is also a downside to being angry - “unfair”. When over trifles (or in a serious way) we fall for children. And this anger was meant for someone else - a husband, a boss, a neighbor … Then it has consequences for the child and leaves an unpleasant mark in the soul for a long time in the form of resentment and misunderstanding. When a parent does not understand that this anger was intended for another person, it is difficult for him to admit that he is wrong, he begins to justify himself and believes that the child has got “justly”.
Many parents think that if they start expressing their anger at the child, it will become so uncontrollable and destructive that it will bring great harm to their child. But it is not so. If you accumulate anger, it will become so much that it can, indeed, pour out at the most inopportune moment, and be very strong. Then, in the eyes of the child, the always restraining “kind mommy” will at once turn into a “baba-yaga” or a hurricane, sweeping away everything in its path.
If you allow yourself to get angry at the very moment when the parent begins to catch himself on this feeling, the power of manifestation will not be so intense. And in this manifestation there is a chance that the parent will be heard.
Finally, I want to answer a frequently asked question: how to get angry with your own child, but at the same time not fall into a feeling of guilt, which is so difficult to get rid of? If you yelled (especially unfairly), it is important to apologize to your child. Immediately or when you realized it. Tell him that they acted unfairly, that he is not to blame and that your feeling was intended for a completely different person. This is a sign for him that he is loved, appreciated. And the fact that everyone can be wrong (including him). The child will learn to analyze his actions, ask for forgiveness not only from you, but from his friends, peers, repent, admit his mistakes. All this is impossible without your sincere "forgive me, please."
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