Eric Byrne: Allow Yourself To Live By Your Own Rules

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Source: 4brain.ru

Developing the ideas of Freud's psychoanalysis, the general theory and method of treating nervous and mental diseases, the famous psychologist Eric Berne focused on the "transactions" (single interactions) that underlie interhuman relations.

Some types of such transactions, which have a hidden purpose, he called games. In this article, we bring you a rundown of Eric Berne's book "People who play games" - one of the most famous books on psychology of the XX century.

1. Transactional Analysis by Eric Berne

Scenario analysis is impossible without understanding the main, basic concept of Eric Berne - transactional analysis. It is with him that he begins his book "People who play games."

Eric Berne believes that every person has three states of I, or, as they say, three Ego states, which determine how he behaves with others and what comes out of it in the end. These states are called as follows:

• Parent
• Adult
• Child

Transactional analysis is devoted to the study of these states. Berne believes that at every moment of our life we are in one of these three states. Moreover, their change can occur as often and quickly as you like: for example, just now the leader spoke with his subordinate from the position of an Adult, after a second he was offended by him as a Child, and a minute later he began to teach him from the state of a Parent.

Bern calls one unit of communication a transaction. Hence the name of his approach - transactional analysis. To avoid confusion, Bern writes the Ego state with a capital letter: Parent (P), Adult (B), Child (Re), and these same words in their usual meaning related to specific people - with a small letter.

The Parent state derives from parental patterns of behavior. In this state, a person feels, thinks, acts, speaks and reacts in the same way as his parents did when he was a child. He copies the behavior of his parents. And here it is necessary to take into account two Parental components: one is the leading origin from the father, the other - from the mother. The I-Parent state can be activated when raising your own children. Even when this state of I does not seem to be active, it most often affects a person's behavior, performing the functions of conscience.

The second group of states of the I consists in the fact that a person objectively evaluates what happens to him, calculating the possibilities and probabilities based on past experience. Eric Berne calls this state “Adult”. It can be compared to the functioning of a computer. A person in the I-Adult position is in a state of "here and now". He adequately assesses his actions and deeds, is fully aware of them and takes responsibility for everything he does.

Each person carries the traits of a little boy or little girl. He sometimes feels, thinks, acts, speaks and reacts in the same way as he did in childhood. This state of I is called "Child". It cannot be considered childish or immature, this condition only resembles a child of a certain age, mostly two to five years old. These are thoughts, feelings and experiences that are played from childhood. When we are in the position of the Ego-Child, we are in a state of control, in a state of objects of upbringing, objects of adoration, that is, in the state of who we were when we were children.

Which of the three states I am is more constructive and why?

Eric Berne believes that a person becomes a mature person when his behavior is dominated by the state of an Adult. If the Child or the Parent prevails, this leads to inappropriate behavior and to a distortion of the attitude. AND therefore, the task of each person is to achieve a balance of the three I-states by strengthening the role of the Adult.

Why does Eric Berne consider the states of the Child and Parent less constructive? Because in the state of the Child, a person has a fairly large bias towards manipulation, spontaneity of reactions, as well as unwillingness or inability to take responsibility for their actions. And in the state of the Parent, first and foremost, the controlling function and perfectionism dominate, which can also be dangerous. Let's consider this with a specific example.

The man made some mistake. If his Ego-Parent dominates, then he begins to scold, saw, "gnaw" himself. He constantly replays this situation in his head and what he did wrong, reproaches himself. And this internal "nagging" can continue as long as you like. In especially neglected cases, people nag themselves on the same issue for decades. Naturally, at some point this turns into a psychosomatic disorder. As you understand, such an attitude towards it will not change the real situation. And in this sense, the state of the Ego-Parent is not constructive. The situation does not change, but mental stress increases.

How does an Adult behave in such a situation? The Ego Adult says, “Yes, I made a mistake here. I know how to fix it. The next time the same situation arises, I will remember this experience and try to avoid such an outcome. I am only a human being, I am not a saint, I may have mistakes. " This is how the Ego-Adult talks to itself. He allows himself a mistake, takes responsibility for it, he does not deny it, but this responsibility is sensible, he understands that not everything in life depends on him. He draws experience from this situation, and this experience becomes a useful link for him in the next similar situation. The most important thing is that excessive dramatization disappears here and a certain emotional "tail" is cut off. The Ego-Adult does not drag this “tail” with it forever and ever. And therefore, such a reaction is constructive.

And what does a person who is in the state of the Ego-Child do in such a situation? He is offended. Why is this happening? If the Ego-Parent takes over responsibility for everything that happens, and therefore scolds himself so much, then the Ego-Child, on the contrary, believes that if something went wrong, then it is the mother, boss, friend, or someone else's fault. something else. And since they were to blame and did not do what he expected, they disappointed him. He took offense at them and decided that he would take revenge, well, or stop talking to them.

Such a reaction does not seem to carry any serious emotionally “tail” for a person, because he has shifted this “tail” onto another. But what does it have as a result? The ruined relationship with the person on whom the blame for the situation is blamed, as well as the lack of experience that could become irreplaceable for him when this situation repeats. And it will be repeated without fail, because the person's style of behavior will not change, which led to it. In addition, here it must be borne in mind that a long, deep, malicious resentment of the Ego-Child often becomes the cause of the most serious diseases.

Thus, Eric Berne believes that we should not allow our behavior to be dominated by the states of the Child and the Parent. But at some point in life, they can and should even be turned on. Without these states, a person's life will be like soup without salt and pepper: it seems that you can eat, but something is missing.

Sometimes you have to allow yourself to be a Child: suffer from nonsense, allow a spontaneous release of emotions. This is fine. Another question is when and where we allow ourselves to do this. For example, in a business meeting, this is completely inappropriate. Everything has its time and place. The state of the Ego-Parent can be useful, for example, for teachers, lecturers, educators, parents, doctors at the reception, etc. From the state of the Parent, it is easier for a person to take control of the situation and take responsibility for other people within the framework and volume of this situation.

2. Eric Berne's scenario analysis

We now turn to the scenario analysis, which is devoted to the book "People who play games." Eric Berne concluded that with The fishing of any person is programmed at preschool age. This was well known by the priests and teachers of the Middle Ages, who said: “ Leave me a child up to six years old, and then take it back". A good preschool educator can even foresee what kind of life awaits a child, whether he will be happy or unhappy, whether he will become a winner or a failure.

Berne's script is a subconscious life plan that is formed in early childhood, mainly under the influence of parents. “This psychological impulse pushes a person forward with great force,” writes Berne, “towards his fate, and very often regardless of his resistance or free choice.

No matter what people say, no matter what they think, some kind of inner urge makes them strive for that ending, which is often different from what they write in their autobiographies and job applications. Many people argue that they want to make a lot of money, but they lose it, while those around them get richer. Others claim that they are looking for love, and find hatred even in those who love them."

In the first two years of life, the child's behavior and thoughts are programmed mainly by the mother. This program forms the initial framework, the basis of his script, the “primary protocol” as to who he should be: a “hammer” or “a hard place”. Eric Berne calls such a framework the life position of a person.

Positions of life as the "primary protocol" of the scenario

In the first year of life, a child develops a so-called basic trust or distrust in the world, and certain beliefs are formed about:

• yourself ("I'm good, I'm okay" or "I'm bad, I'm not okay") and
• people around you, first of all, parents (“You are good, everything is all right with you” or “You are bad, everything is not all right with you”).

These are the simplest two-sided positions - you and I. Let's depict them in abbreviated form as follows: plus (+) is the position "everything is in order", minus (-) is the position "not everything is in order". The combination of these units can give four two-sided positions, on the basis of which the "primary protocol", the core of a person's life scenario, is formed.

The table shows 4 basic life positions. Each position has its own scenario and its own ending.

Each person has a position on the basis of which his script is formed and his life is based. It is as difficult for him to abandon it as it is to remove the foundation from under his own house without destroying it. But sometimes the position can still be changed with the help of professional psychotherapeutic treatment. Or because of a strong sense of love - this most important healer. Eric Berne gives an example of a stable life position.

A person who considers himself poor and others rich (I -, You +) will not give up his opinion, even if suddenly he has a lot of money. This will not make him wealthy in his own right. He will still consider himself poor, who is just lucky. And a person who considers it important to be rich, unlike the poor (I +, You -), will not give up his position, even if he loses his wealth. For everyone around him, he will remain the same "rich" person, only experiencing temporary financial difficulties.

The stability of the life position also explains the fact that people with the first position (I +, You +) usually become leaders: even in the most extreme and difficult circumstances, they maintain absolute respect for themselves and their subordinates.

But sometimes there are people whose position is unstable. They hesitate and jump from one position to another, for example from "I +, You +" to "I -, You -" or from "I +, You -" to "I -, You +". These are mainly unstable, anxious personalities. Eric Berne considers stable people whose positions (good or bad) are difficult to shake, and such are the majority.

Positions not only determine our life scenario, they are also very important in everyday interpersonal relationships. The first thing people feel about each other is their positions. And then, in most cases, like is drawn to like. People who think well of themselves and the world usually prefer to communicate with their own kind, and not with those who are always dissatisfied.

People who feel their own superiority like to unite in various clubs and organizations. Poverty also loves company, so the poor also prefer to get together, most often for a drink. People who feel the futility of their life efforts usually huddle near pubs or on the streets, observing the progress of life.

The plot of the script: how the child chooses it

So, the child already knows how he should perceive people, how other people will treat him and what “like me” means. The next step in the development of the script is the search for a plot that answers the question "What happens to people like me?" Sooner or later, the child will hear a story about someone “like me”. It can be a fairy tale read to him by his mother or father, a story told by his grandmother or grandfather, or a story about a boy or girl heard on the street. But wherever the child hears this story, it will make such a strong impression on him that he will immediately understand and say: "It's me!"

The story he heard can become his script, which he will try to implement all his life. She will give him a "skeleton" of the script, which can consist of the following parts:

• the hero the child wants to be like;
• a villain who can become an example if the child finds an appropriate excuse for him;
• the type of person who embodies the pattern that he wants to follow;
• plot - a model of an event, which makes it possible to switch from one figure to another;
• a list of characters motivating the switch;
• a set of ethical standards that dictate when to get angry, when to be offended, when to feel guilty, feel right, or triumph.

So, based on the earliest experience, the child chooses his positions. Then, from what he reads and hears, he forms a further life plan. This is the first version of his script. If external circumstances help, then a person's life path will correspond to the plot that has developed on this basis.

3. Types and variants of scenarios

The life scenario is formed in three main directions. There are many options within these areas. So Eric Berne divides all scenarios into:

• winners,
• non-winners
• losers.

In scripting language, the loser is the Frog, and the winner is the Prince or Princess. Parents generally wish their children a happy fate, but wish them happiness in the scenario they have chosen for them. They are most often against changing the role chosen for their child. The mother raising the Frog wants her daughter to be a happy Frog, but resists any of her attempts to become a Princess ("Why did you decide that you can …?"). The father raising the Prince, of course, wishes his son happiness, but he prefers to see him rather unhappy than a Frog.

Eric Berne calls the winner a person who decided to achieve a certain goal in his life and, ultimately, achieved his goal.… And here it is very important what goals the person himself formulates for himself. And although they are based on Parental programming, the final decision is made by its Adult. And here the following must be taken into account: a person who has set himself a goal to run, for example, a hundred meters in ten seconds, and who has done this, is the winner, and the one who wanted to achieve, for example, a result of 9, 5, and ran in 9, 6 seconds is this undefeated.

Who are these - the non-winners? It's important not to be confused with losers. The script is intended for them to work hard, but not in order to win, but to stay at the existing level. Non-winners are most often wonderful fellow citizens, employees, because they are always loyal and grateful to fate, no matter what it brings them. They do not create problems for anyone. These are people who are said to be pleasant to talk to. Winners, on the other hand, create a lot of problems for those around them, since in life they struggle, involving other people in the struggle.

However, most of the trouble is caused by losers and others. They remain losers, even having achieved some success, but if they get into trouble, they try to carry everyone around them with them.

How to understand which scenario - a winner or a loser - a person is following? Berne writes that this is easy to find out by familiarizing yourself with a person's manner of speaking. The winner is usually expressed like this: "I won't miss another time" or "Now I know how to do it." A loser will say: "If only …", "I would, of course …", "Yes, but …". The non-winners say, "Yes, I did that, but at least I didn't …" or "Anyway, thanks for that too."

Script apparatus

To understand how the script works and how to find the “disenchantor”, you need to have a good knowledge of the script apparatus. Eric Berne understands the general elements of any script by the script apparatus. And here we must remember the three states of the I, which we talked about at the very beginning.

So, the elements of the script by Eric Berne:

1. Scenario ending: blessing or curse

One of the parents shouts in a fit of anger to the child: "Get lost!" or "Lose you!" - these are death sentences and at the same time indications of the method of death. The same: "You will end like your father" (alcoholic) - a sentence for life. This is the script ending in the form of a curse. Forms a scenario of losers. Here it must be borne in mind that the child forgives everything and makes a decision only after tens or even hundreds of such transactions.

The victors have a parental blessing instead of a curse, for example: "Be great!"

2. Script prescription

Prescriptions are what should be done (orders) and what should not be done (prohibitions). Prescription is the most important element of the script apparatus, which varies in intensity. First-degree prescriptions (socially acceptable and gentle) are direct, adaptive directives supported by approval or mild judgment (“You behaved well and calmly,” “Don't be too ambitious”). With such prescriptions, you can still be a winner.

The prescriptions of the second degree (deceitful and harsh) are not dictated directly, but are suggested in a roundabout way. This is the best way to shape a conqueror (Don't tell your father, Keep your mouth shut).

Third-degree prescriptions form losers. These are prescriptions in the form of unfair and negative orders, unjustified prohibitions inspired by a sense of fear. Such prescriptions prevent the child from getting rid of the curse: "Do not bother me!" or "Don't be smart" (= "Get lost!") or "Stop whining!" (= "Lose you!").

In order for the prescription to firmly take root in the mind of a child, it must be repeated often, and for deviations from it, punished, although in some extreme cases (with severely beaten children) once is enough for the prescription to be imprinted for life.

3. Scenario provocation

Provocation spawns future drunks, criminals, and other types of lost scenarios. For example, parents encourage behavior that leads to the outcome - "Have a drink!" Provocation comes from the Evil Child or the "demon" of the parents, and is usually accompanied by "ha ha". At an early age, the reward to be a failure can look like this: "He's a fool, ha ha" or "She is dirty with us, ha ha." Then comes the time for more specific teasing: "When he knocks, then always with his head, ha-ha."

4. Moral dogmas or commandments

These are instructions on how to live, how to fill the time in anticipation of the finale. These instructions are usually passed down from generation to generation. For example, “Save money”, “Work hard”, “Be a good girl”.

Contradictions may arise here. The Father's Parent announces: “Save money” (commandment), while the Father’s Child urges: “Put everything in this game at once” (provocation). This is an example of internal contradiction. And when one of the parents teaches to save, and the other advises to spend, then we can talk about an external contradiction. “Take care of every penny” can mean: “Take care of every penny so that you can drink it all at once”.

A child who is caught between opposing teachings is said to have fallen into a sack. Such a child behaves as if he does not react to external circumstances, but responds to something in his own head. If the parents put some talent into the “bag” and backed it up with a blessing on the winner, it will turn into a “winner's bag”. But most people in "bags" are losers because they cannot behave according to the situation.

5. Parental samples

In addition, parents share their experience of how to implement their script prescriptions in real life. This is a sample, or program, formed at the direction of the parental Adult. For example, a girl can become a lady if her mother teaches her everything a real lady needs to know. Very early on, through imitation, like most girls, she can learn to smile, walk and sit, and later she will be taught how to dress, agree with others and say no politely.

In the case of a boy, the parental model is more likely to affect the choice of a profession. A child can say: "When I grow up, I want to be a lawyer (policeman, thief), like a father." But whether it will come true or not depends on the mother's programming, which says: "Do (or not do) something risky, complex, like (or not like) your father." The injunction will take effect when the son sees the admiring attention and proud smile with which the mother listens to the father's stories about his affairs.

6. Scenario impulse

The child periodically develops aspirations directed against the script formed by the parents, for example: "Spit!", "Slovchi!" (against "Work conscientiously!"), "Waste everything at once!" (against "Take care of a penny!"), "Do the opposite!" This is a scripted impulse, or "demon" that hides in the subconscious.

Scenario impulse most often manifests itself in response to an excess of prescriptions and instructions, that is, in response to a super-scenario.

7. Antiscript

Assumes the ability to remove the spell, for example, "You can succeed after forty years." This magical permission is called antiscript, or internal liberation. But quite often in the scenarios of losers, the only anti-scenario is death: "You will receive your reward in heaven."

This is the anatomy of the script apparatus. Scenario ending, prescriptions and provocations govern the scenario. They are called control mechanisms and take up to six years to develop. The other four elements can be used to combat the script.

Scenario options

Eric Berne analyzes various scenarios using examples of the heroes of Greek myths, fairy tales, as well as the most common characters in life. These are mostly losers' scenarios, since they are the ones most often encountered by psychotherapists. Freud, for example, lists countless stories of losers, while the only winners in his work are Moses, Leonardo da Vinci, and himself.

So, consider the examples of winners, losers, and losers scenarios described by Eric Berne in his book People Who Play Games.

Losers scenario options

The scenario "Tantalus Torments, or Never" is presented by the fate of the mythical hero Tantalus. Everyone knows the catch phrase "tantalum (that is, eternal) torment." Tantalus was doomed to suffer from hunger and thirst, although water and a branch with fruits were near, but all the time passed his lips. Those who got such a scenario were forbidden by their parents to do what they wanted, so their life is full of temptations and "tantalum torment". They seem to live under the sign of the Parental curse. In them, the Child (as a state of I) is afraid of what they most desire, so they torture themselves. The directive behind this scenario can be formulated like this: "I will never get what I want most."

The script "Arachne, or Always" is based on the myth of Arachne. Arachne was a magnificent weaver and allowed herself to challenge the goddess Athena herself and compete with her in the art of weaving. As a punishment, she was turned into a spider, forever weaving its web.

In this scenario, "always" is a key that includes an action (and a negative one). This scenario manifests itself in those to whom the parents (teachers) constantly gloatingly said: "You will always be homeless", "You will always be so lazy", "You always do not finish the job", "You will remain fat forever." This scenario creates a chain of events that is commonly referred to as "bad luck streak" or "bad luck streak".

Scenario "Sword of Damocles". Damocles was allowed to bliss in the role of king for one day. During the feast, he saw a naked sword hanging on a horsehair above his head, and realized the illusion of his well-being. The motto of this scenario is: "Enjoy your life for now, but know that then misfortunes will begin."

The key to this life scenario is the hovering sword overhead. This is a program for performing some task (but the task is not your own, but the parent's, moreover, negative). "When you get married, you will cry" (in the end: either an unsuccessful marriage, or unwillingness to get married, or difficulties in creating a family and loneliness).

"When you raise a child, then you will feel yourself in my place!" (in the end: either a repetition of the unsuccessful program of his mother after the child grows up, or an unwillingness to have a child, or forced childlessness).

"Take a walk while you are young, then you will work out" (in the end: either unwillingness to work and parasitism, or with age - hard work). As a rule, people with this scenario live one day in constant expectation of unhappiness in the future. These are one-day butterflies, their life is hopeless, as a result, they often become alcoholics or drug addicts.

"Again and Again" is the scenario of Sisyphus, the mythical king who angered the gods and for this rolled a stone up a mountain in the underworld. When the stone reached the top, it fell down, and everything had to start again. This is also a classic example of a "Just Around …" scenario, where one "If only …" follows another. "Sisyphus" is a loser's scenario, because, as he approaches the top, he rolls down every time. It is based on "Over and over again": "Try while you can." This is a program for a process, not a result, for "running in a circle", stupid, hard "Sisyphean labor."

Scenario "Pink Riding Hood, or Dowry". Pink Riding Hood is an orphan or for some reason feels like an orphan. She is quick-witted, always ready to give good advice and have fun joking, but she does not know how to think realistically, plan and implement plans - she leaves it to others. She is always ready to help, as a result she makes many friends. But somehow she ends up being alone, drinking, taking stimulants and sleeping pills, and often suicidal.

The Pink Riding Hood is a loser scenario because whatever she tries, she loses everything. This scenario is organized according to the principle of "no": "You can't do this until you meet the prince." It is based on "never": "Never ask for anything for yourself."

Winner Scenario Options

The script "Cinderella"

Cinderella had a happy childhood while her mother was alive. Then she suffered before the events at the ball. After the ball, Cinderella gets the prize she is entitled to according to the "winner" scenario.

How does her script unfold after the wedding? Soon, Cinderella makes an amazing discovery: the most interesting people for her are not the ladies of the court, but the dishwashers and servants employed in the kitchen. Traveling in a carriage through the small "kingdom", she often stops to talk to them. Over time, other ladies of the court also became interested in these walks. Once it occurred to Cinderella-Princess that it would be nice to gather together all the ladies, her assistants, and discuss their common problems. After that, the "Ladies' Society for Helping Poor Women" was born, which elected her as its president. So "Cinderella" found her place in life and even made a contribution to the welfare of her "kingdom".

The scenario “Sigmund, or“If it doesn't work out this way, let's try another way””

Sigmund decided to become a great man. He knew how to work and set himself the goal of penetrating into the upper strata of society, which would become paradise for him, but he was not allowed there. Then he decided to look into hell. There were no upper strata, everyone did not care there. And he gained authority in hell. His success was so great that soon the upper strata of society moved to the underworld.

This is a "winner" scenario. A person decides to become great, but those around him create all sorts of obstacles for him. He does not waste time overcoming them, he bypasses everything, and becomes great elsewhere. Sigmund leads a scenario through life, organized according to the principle of "can": "If it does not work out this way, you can try differently." The hero took a failed scenario and turned it into a successful one, and despite the opposition of others. This was possible due to the fact that there were open opportunities that allow you to bypass obstacles without colliding with them head-on. This flexibility does not get in the way of achieving what you want.

How to independently identify your scenario

Eric Berne does not give clear recommendations on how to independently recognize your script. To do this, he suggests turning to script psychoanalysts. He even writes to himself: “As for me personally, I don’t know whether I still play on someone else’s notes or not”. But you can still do something.

There are four questions, honest and thoughtful answers to which will help shed light on what kind of scenario cell we are in. These questions are:

1. What was your parents' favorite slogan? (It will provide a clue on how to run the antiscript.)

2. What kind of life did your parents lead? (A thoughtful answer to this question will provide a clue to the parental patterns imposed on you.)

3. What was the parental ban? (This is the most important question for understanding human behavior. It often happens that some unpleasant symptoms with which a person turns to a psychotherapist are a replacement for the parental prohibition or a protest against it. As Freud said, liberation from the prohibition will save the patient from symptoms.)

4. What actions did you do that made your parents smile or laugh? (The answer allows us to find out what is the alternative to the prohibited action.)

Berne gives an example of a parental prohibition for an alcoholic script: "Don't think!" Drunkenness is a thinking replacement program.

"The Sorcerer", or How to free yourself from the power of the script

Eric Byrne introduces the concept of “disenchantor,” or inner liberation. It is a "device" that cancels a prescription and frees a person from the control of the script. Within the scenario, this is a "device" for its self-destruction. In some scenarios, it immediately catches the eye, in others it must be sought and deciphered. Sometimes the "disenchantor" is fraught with irony. This is usually the case in losers' scenarios: "Everything will work out, but after you die."

Internal liberation can be either event oriented or time oriented. When You Meet The Prince, When You Die Fighting, or When You Have Three are event-driven anti-scripts. “If you survive the age at which your father died” or “When you work in the company for thirty years” are anti-scenarios, temporarily oriented.

To free himself from the scenario, a person does not need threats or orders (there are enough orders in his head), but permission that would free him from all orders. Permission is the main weapon in the fight against the script, because it basically makes it possible to free the person from the prescription imposed by the parents.

You need to resolve something to your I-state of the Child with the words: "Everything is ok, it is possible" or vice versa: "You should not …" -Child) alone. " This permission works best if it is given by someone who is authoritative for you, such as a therapist.

Eric Berne highlights positive and negative resolutions. With a positive permission, or license, the parental injunction is neutralized, and with the help of a negative one, provocation. In the first case, "Leave him alone" means "Let him do it", and in the second - "Do not force him to do this." Some permissions combine both functions, which is clearly seen in the case of the anti-scenario (when the Prince kissed the Sleeping Beauty, he simultaneously gave her permission (license) - to wake up - and freed her from the curse of the evil sorceress).

If a parent does not want to instill in his children the same thing that was once instilled in him, he must comprehend the Parental state of his Self. His duty and responsibility is to control his Father's behavior. Only by placing his Parent under the supervision of his Adult, he can cope with his task.

The difficulty lies in the fact that we often treat our children as our copy, our continuation, our immortality. Parents are always happy (although they may not show their kind) when children imitate them, even in a bad way. It is this pleasure that needs to be put under Adult control if the mother and father want their child to feel in this huge and complex world a more confident and happier person than themselves.

Negative and unfair orders and prohibitions should be replaced with permissions that have nothing to do with permissive education. The most important permissions are permissions to love, to change, to successfully cope with your tasks, to think for yourself. A person with such permission is immediately visible, as well as one who is bound by all sorts of prohibitions (“He was, of course, allowed to think”, “She was allowed to be beautiful,” “They are allowed to rejoice”).

Eric Byrne is convinced that permissions do not lead a child to trouble if they are not accompanied by coercion. A true permit is a simple “can,” like a fishing license. Nobody forces the boy to fish. Wants - catches, wants - no.

Eric Berne emphasizes that being beautiful (as well as being successful) is not a matter of anatomy, but of parental permission. Anatomy, of course, affects the prettiness of the face, but only in response to the smile of the father or mother can the daughter's face blossom with real beauty. If parents saw in their son a stupid, weak and awkward child, and in their daughter - an ugly and stupid girl, then they will be so.

Conclusion

Eric Berne begins his bestselling book People Who Play Games by describing his core concept: transactional analysis. The essence of this concept is that each person at any time is in one of three Ego states: Parent, Child or Adult. The task of each of us is to achieve dominance in our behavior of the Ego-state of the Adult. It is then that we can talk about the maturity of the individual.

After describing transactional analysis, Eric Berne moves on to the concept of scripting, which is the focus of this book. Berne's main conclusion is that the child's future life is programmed until the age of six, and then he lives according to one of three life scenarios: a winner, a conqueror or a loser. There are a lot of specific variations in these scenarios.

Berne's script is a gradually unfolding life plan that is formed in early childhood, mainly under the influence of parents. Often script programming takes place in a negative way. Parents fill their children's heads with restrictions, orders and prohibitions, thus raising losers. But sometimes they give permission. Prohibitions make it difficult to adapt to circumstances, while permissions provide freedom of choice. Permits have nothing to do with permissive education. The most important permissions are permissions to love, to change, to successfully cope with your tasks, to think for yourself.

To free himself from the scenario, a person does not need threats or orders (there are enough orders in his head), but all the same permissions that would free him from all parental orders. Give yourself permission to live by your own rules. And, as Eric Berne advises, dare to finally say: "Mom, I'd rather do it my own way."