On Guard

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Igor was angry with himself. All heroism disappeared in an instant. He often faced confusion when he received comments. This could be both at work and in personal relationships. In these minutes, the opinion of others was weightier than their own.

But when he was alone, he prepared answers. I acted out dialogues in my head that supposedly could happen. Imagined how he would respond to attacks and complaints from the boss. What will she say to a woman who reproaches something. How will he behave with friends hinting at the strangeness of his life.

And when the time came, this "hero", as he called himself sarcastically, disappeared somewhere. It seemed to Igor that he, this daredevil, flew away to save the shipwrecked. Or take a woman with children out of the flames of a burning house. Although at this moment Igor himself was burning with shame, suffered distress from a collision with the reefs and went to the bottom. With his inner gaze, in the depths of his soul, he was looking for the one who promised to save him.

As soon as the boss asked a question, in the familiar intonation for Igor, his speech was lost. He became dumb as in childhood. When his father looked at him reproachfully, saying that he did not understand how he could have thought of such a thing. Igor was caught by his father in the attic with matches. He made a fire there. Or when they broke the TV with my brothers. While the parent was scolding, Igor looked at the floor and did not understand anything of what was said. He was so frightened that his mind left him. In the future, he was called that: "insane." Whatever he did, if it didn't suit anyone, he was always asked where was his mind?

He felt like a fool. A shame for my father. He was ready to disappear out of sight, just so as not to hear humiliating speeches. Guilt for the harm caused, for not thinking about the consequences, pursued Igor. He believed in his stupidity and easily found confirmation of this in the prompts of his parent.

In a relationship with a woman, it was different. He entertained her in order to feel needed and important. He blossomed, was proud of himself that she laughs at his jokes and answers back. But he didn't want to be just for her. At times, within himself, he rebelled that he was not obliged to amuse and gratify. Then he upset her, and feeling guilty tried to fix everything. She personified his mother, whom he does not dare to upset. As soon as the woman had to say or show her displeasure, he immediately rushed to repair what he had broken. He was responsible for her mood, like a son for his mother.

The pain of rejection, fear of loneliness, humiliation, associated him more with his parents than with a man-boss and a woman. The way he was shy in front of them, so he was shy in front of those close to him. Igor saw his inner, frightened child standing guard. He listens to every word and intonation. She looks closely at every gesture and facial expression. And if he heard, saw, felt the resemblance, announced the alarm, and immediately seized power over the body and mind.

Recognizing himself as a little boy, Igor calmed down. He began to think about how he can now separate the inner child from the affairs of an adult? The fact that he now knew how he got into childhood gave him the opportunity to slow down his baby and find a place for himself. And send the baby to play in the sandbox.

From SW. gestalt therapist Dmitry Lenngren