Mom, Have Pity On Me

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Why don't parents know how to feel sorry for their children?

First reason - they do not know otherwise. Parents did not have positive experiences that would give them an idea of how to properly feel sorry for the child. Their parents did exactly the same as they now react in situations of regret.

The second reason - they feel guilty. When something happens to the child, for example, he fell, cut himself, hit, the parent believes that it is his fault: "did not watch", "did not overlook". Feelings of guilt do not allow the parent to soberly assess the situation and find a way to feel sorry for the child.

Third reason - they are afraid of condemnation. When something happens to a child in front of other people, it seems to the parent that they will now begin to judge him for showing weakness, gentleness, and regret. Therefore, it is easier in such situations to show more "serious" educational measures: to start teaching the child how to "should", slap on the priest, start raising his voice or shout at him for being so careless, inattentive, etc.

Fourth reason - they want to cultivate resilience in their children. This is especially true for the parents of growing up boys, who are least likely to receive warm words of care and love. Parents think that a boy should be a man and there is no need to "lisp" with him, to feel sorry for him. He must cope with difficulties himself, overcome them.

All these reasons do not allow the parent to properly feel sorry for the child and thereby demonstrate love towards him.

Imagine yourself as a small child who, for example, fell off a swing. As soon as you fell off the swing, your mother immediately runs up to you, starts groaning and gasping, asking you how it happened, why it was impossible to hold on ??? She begins to worry very much for you that her anxiety is transferred to you. And only after that, when you also began to worry, despite the fact that it was a little painful, she (with hysterics in her voice) begins to ask: DOES it hurt? Where does it hurt? All these actions are not about “regretting”. What can you do?

1. The child needs some time to realize what happened and try to figure out his feelings himself, so you should not immediately rush to help. Look at him out of the corner of your eye: how does he behave, is he crying, or has he already moved away, forgot and continues to play on the court? Perhaps the child himself is able to cope with this situation, and he does not need your help. This is a very important stage in his life - the ability to cope with difficulties, experience negative emotions, and overcome obstacles. These skills will be useful to him more than once in the future.
2. If the child is scared, crying and does not calm down, the first thing a parent should do is to hug the child, kiss, hug, pat on the back or head. You can turn his attention to something else.
3. Try not to focus on the situation itself, take it calmly. Here you should exclude the groans and gasps, the manifestations of your anxiety, which the child sees and "writes off" from you. He learns to react to such situations precisely from the position of fear, worries, and in the future he will become afraid of every injury. This seriously complicates its development.
4. Postpone the conversation on the topic: "why did this happen?" for a couple of minutes. This time is needed in order for both you and your child to calm down. Do not use phrases such as: "I told you so!", "I warned you!" only give rise to a sense of guilt in him - “it's my own fault,” but do not generate in him a sense of responsibility in front of different situations. You can even analyze the situation using the example of another child: “Here Misha climbed up an ice slide and fell!”. And the child will be able to transfer himself to this example and draw conclusions: "this is how I am today" and draw the right conclusions.