Suffering Happiness. Part 1

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I don't remember when I first heard about this concept - it is quite common in our culture. But I remember well the first time I thought about this idea. A young, bright, cheerful girl of twenty, talked about her relationship with a young man not much older than her. She calmly, and even somehow happily said strange, but such understandable phrases: "Well, when he cheated on me for the third time …" or "He said that I was to blame, and left to spend the night with his ex …" And then explained - calmly and confidently - that happiness must be suffered. When asked how it was, she told two or three stories from the lives of her friends. These were stories as old as the world, you know, from the category of those that happen to acquaintances of acquaintances and girlfriends of a friend's sister. One dated a married man for five, ten, fifteen years (underline the necessary, write in the missing), and then he divorced and married her, and now they are happy. Another peasant beat, not hard, but sensitively, but she endured, forgave, he realized that she was the best in the world, took her to another country and now they are happy. The third contained a drinking man and three children, and then he settled down, walked up, found a high-paying job and - guess - well, of course, now they are happy. In fact, there are many such stories. And they all end in the same way. Then - they all become happy. This tale does not suggest any details or explanations. And everyone is happy. Well, perhaps, sometimes flowers appear every day or other attributes of attention.

In general, if you shorten the plot as much as possible, everything becomes very simple: at first it was very bad with him, but she endured, and then … in general, now they are, you know, happy.

I really thought. And not for one day. Because this song is clearly not the first time I heard. Probably, for the first time it was voiced in my presence so categorically and yet, for the first time, by such a young girl. Usually these stories are heard from older women. And yet…

After all, it is this formulation that sheds light on all those stories when a woman tolerates a completely inappropriate attitude towards her from her partner, and in response to all the questions of others she says that she simply “loves”. Suffers and loves. Well, as befits a woman in traditional cultures, to be honest. Only now will it come, that same long-suffering happiness that they hope to earn with their patience?

Analyzing numerous stories of clients and just acquaintances from life, I divided them into several conditional categories. There is a lot in common between them, and I do not exclude the possibility that the same reasons may lie at the base (or maybe, on the contrary, completely different ones). Nevertheless, I would like to share these observations.

First story. It will change

Inna from the very beginning did not talk about her new man as a prince. She immediately said that he is a cynical womanizer, that a woman is an object of conquest for him, that he treats any obligations as prejudices of the past, that he is fond of "sports pickup" of girls and that, in general, his views give off misogyny - he speaks of representatives of the opposite sex unflattering, uses derogatory epithets, I am sure that they are just a tool for getting pleasure, and nothing more. In itself, this would not mean anything, you never know such people. But I knew Inna. Inna adhered to rather strict moral principles, did not approve of numerous connections, but waited for love for life, looked for care, support and wanted to start a family. Therefore, I was very surprised when she did not reject the frivolous and cynical man "out of the door", but on the contrary - carried away by him (which is curious, without much reciprocity - for him she was too modest, constrained and "notorious"). Omitting the details, Inna spent a lot of energy (and several years of her life) on "conquering" this object, questionable from the point of view of her goals. Over the years, she not only changed - she literally became fixated on him, she lost all her hobbies and interests, her whole life was reduced to his rare appearances on the horizon of her life. And all this time she believed he would change. He will see her, he will appreciate her devotion, her tenderness and care, her original beauty - in general, he will see. Realizes that he lived wrong, and then will always be grateful to her. And he will love her alone. Needless to say, the man in question has never changed? And how about our heroine “licking her wounds” for a long time and coming to her senses after finally burying her illusions?

An acquaintance of mine once said that trying to change a man is "a typical female quest." I started to argue, and then I bit my tongue. Because it is true, there are a lot of examples of such an approach. In a sense, we are dealing with a fairy tale like Beauty and the Beast. The idea is that everything negative that a woman sees in her chosen one, she attributes to the "charm of an evil witch" (childhood traumas, painful relationship experience, his bitchy "ex", bad environment … - anything, in general, just not him myself). And sincerely longs for this spell to dispel with his love. Numerous works of artistic and popular culture give girls, girls and women examples of such stories (by the way, one of the latest examples is the sensational series of books "50 Shades of Gray", where the heroine knows for sure that all the "oddities" of her lover are a consequence of his difficult childhood and quite "heals" his injuries with his love). Another interpretation of the same story is: "He just has not yet met the same one." By the way, it is in this version that the story is often presented by the men themselves. Like, I'm generally the perfect guy, just haven't met "that one" yet. And I will meet - and then right away … well, continue on your own: I will quit drinking, stop going "for women", start working normally, and so on …

So, every girl wants to be “the one”. The one who will change him. After all, this is an amazing role. "Before her, he was one, and with her, he was completely different." Flattering at first glance. And besides, it allows not only to increase self-esteem, but also to cope with jealousy of the past. After all, what difference does it make how many women he had, if it was she who changed him, it was not the same with all of them. In a sense, it is also an old-world gambling dream of "outplaying a sharper". So women are looking for an initially completely inappropriate man. To see how he will change under the influence of the magic of her love. Moreover, it looks as if they are really looking for the least suitable options for them. The most incredible, the most intolerable, the most unacceptable. Because only difficult tasks are of interest to real heroes. Because it is necessary to feel not just loved - the only one, the one for whose sake … In this sense, the secret motives of a woman are a bit like those that drive men who are looking for a virgin for a serious relationship. Few modern women (if we do not take teenage girls into account) expect innocence and lack of experience from their chosen one, but potential jealousy of the past is easier to deal with if this past is completely devalued. Therefore, a construction arises in which all previous relationships look frivolous and "fake". Here, the so-called "womanizers" or "inveterate bachelors" have a special romantic appeal: the heroine dreams of becoming the only one who will make him change, and even automatically win over all his previous passions that did not manage to change him. Even a series of ugly abandoned, deceived or betrayed women in the partner's “history” does not bother such a woman and even paradoxically makes the hero even more attractive.

To be continued…