The Family Does Not Support, What Should I Do?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

People who are not supported by the family are quite common. Because of this, they cannot follow their own path and are "inhibited" in personal growth and development. What to do in situations like this?

Let's consider two options: the first - the family criticizes, the second - the family scares.

What does a criticizing family look like? For example, you want to change your place of work, take up a new hobby or type of creativity, choose a partner for yourself, want to go somewhere to study, somehow realize your potential. The family criticizes you - you have no talent, you don’t have enough strength, you don’t have enough endurance, you won’t succeed, you’ll just waste your time, etc. With such an attitude, family members seem to “put an end to you” - you are somehow wrong and unfinished person. Where do you go for this? Sit quietly at your job, earn $ 100 and don’t rock the boat, and in general be glad that at least there is such a job. Criticism in the family always arises because of their own complexes - relatives themselves could not achieve anything and are afraid that you can do something better.

The second option - relatives start to scare ("Where are you going to get involved ?! Everything beautiful in this world is not for us, this is some kind of adventure, you will certainly be deceived, but they want to cheat you!"). They can be frightened because of their personal negative experience - a person has tried something in life, and he was deceived, and now he is trying to impose this experience on you. On the one hand, this is done to protect you from injury, but on the other, you are simply not allowed into your own life. However, situations are different, and sometimes people really make risky decisions, so it is worth rationally considering everything, whether there really is some kind of danger.

Let me give you an example from personal experience. When I made the decision to study as a psychotherapist, my relatives were categorically against ("What is this profession? You will earn 5 kopecks and that's it"), but I withstood all the attacks, made a firm decision and did what I wanted. In my case, there was no particular risk (training cost a lot of money, and there was a risk of not recouping all the costs, but in any case, this is not commensurate with life and loss of health). Moreover, investing in learning is always a contribution to oneself and one's development, it will not go anywhere (there will be situations in life where it will be possible to apply the knowledge gained).

Carefully analyze your decision and the words of your relatives - whether they really warn you against a wrong step or scare you, whatever you take up in your life. In the second case, it will be an obvious imposition of their fears (our parents and especially grandparents are very far from the modern generation, they think a lot in this life is adventurism, something strange). It cannot be that a person simply photographs himself or makes a video and earns a lot of money at the same time - such situations are incomprehensible to them, and, accordingly, these stupid warnings will only slow you down.

Why, looking back at the opinions and words of your relatives, can you not go further? The support of your relatives is very necessary and important to you. One gets the impression that until Mom or Dad approves of your decision (“Yes, of course, go and do it!”), You don’t go and do it. This moment must be worked out, because in this way you are not able to have your own desires, will and life.

There is another very subtle version of criticism, when you are criticized not so much for the future choice that you want to make, but for everything. I cooked the wrong soup, bought the wrong potatoes, wear the wrong clothes, read the wrong books, choose the wrong hobbies - as if there is some rejection of your individual characteristics (moreover, all this is called some kind of flaw). If you have been surrounded by such an attitude all your life, at a deep level you will have a firm feeling that you are not that kind of person, and you should not show yourself to society (what if society finds out that you are not like that?). As long as you hide behind a mask and communicate with society, keeping your distance, there is an opportunity to preserve an image for yourself (“I'm not that bad, and people will believe that everything is fine with me”). As soon as you allow yourself to go out into society, everyone will immediately notice that you cook poorly, wear the wrong clothes, buy the wrong potatoes, etc. And no matter how you resist this, your psyche has already absorbed all negative beliefs, and you are not you can move further. It is quite difficult to get out of criticism, because in fact you are surrounded by a million confirmations that you are not like that.

What is the way out of this situation?

1. First, assume that your relatives may be wrong in their criticism and intimidation - maybe there are some wonderful doors for you that will open in front of you. Perhaps you deserve everything you want to get, or at least half.
2. Understand exactly what you want personally for yourself and your life. Conventionally, imagine your life as ideal as possible and then assume that all this can be done in reality.

3. Find support from other people. The ability to find support in life is a very important and necessary skill. Even Frederick Perls writes about self support, and this is not self-support, but the ability to find support in every next person, in every next situation. Without the support of other people, all the previous points listed will not be important, and your desires will be blown away (we are all social beings and we want to hear at least confirmation from someone, then wings grow, you try, do and so move forward).

All three points are perfectly worked out at the training "Apni self-esteem". After this course, even the most notorious people find their voice, are confident in their desires and begin to follow their life path. About a hundred participants have already completed the course, found their true selves and were able to separate from the opinions of their parents.

This behavior of parents (both criticism and intimidation) is very toxic and causes a lot of anger and resentment at the child level. However, do not forget that parents act this way because of their complexes, fears and traumas out of good intentions, trying to save you from some of their pain. Deep down, they love you, but all their traumas and experiences no longer fit into the realities of our life. You need to open your eyes and see life realistically. Do not forget also that in reality they are afraid of being left without you, so they are trying to keep you on a short leash (only mom can tell you what to do best, only mom is the best person, etc.). In childhood, we all depended on our parents, but now the situation has changed by 180 ° - they depend on you (they get older and need more emotional contact and communication). Moreover, old age is helplessness, and sooner or later your parents will need you badly. Of course, you should not use this and mock your family, but at least you can dictate your own rules and conditions of communication. But the most important thing is that your main task at a deep level is to separate from your parents. Get their opinion of yourself out of you and put it on the shelf!