Marital Intimacy. What Should She Be?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The most important characteristic of a marriage relationship is psychological distance - this is a kind of "distance" to which we are ready to admit a partner. Psychological distance depends on the degree of trust and openness to the partner. It is different for each person. The disunity model and the desire to “keep the partner at a distance” is formed as a result of the breakdown of attachment in early childhood. The child makes the decision “not to be close” when he does not have a warm and trusting relationship with his parents, with an early experience of betrayal, if his boundaries are constantly violated. Fear of intimacy makes it impossible to keep in touch. There are resentments, outbursts of anger, a desire to escape from the relationship.

People with a fear of intimacy do not know how to establish a framework for a relationship. They are characterized by difficulties in defending their interests, expressing desires. In marriage, it is necessary to find a balance of interaction in different areas. Between loneliness and time spent together. Between sexual availability and isolation, involvement in the life of a partner and detachment from him. When each partner has both his own space and a place for contact. Practical example … The client's permission to publish has been received, the name has been changed. Lina is a young woman who came to therapy with a widespread question - should she keep the marriage. The girl is twenty-four years old, married for two years, the son is ten months old. Lina is “strangled” by too close relations with her husband. The fear of intimacy was exacerbated by the circumstances. The child is small, the area of the apartment is limited, and the coronavirus has also narrowed the possibilities, the girl is forced to constantly be with her husband. Lina is afraid of intimacy, she confuses intimacy with merging. The girl is good at coping with her difficulties on her own, but she is very poor at relying on others, trusting them, depending on them, being in close proximity. She is afraid of losing herself in a relationship.

According to Lina, she grew up in a family where her parents have a "wonderful" relationship. Dad, "in connection with work," spent months in other cities, mom preferred to go on vacation alone. Such relationships are called distant. Distant relationship Are such relationship, in which each partner cares more about themselves, about their own needs than about the needs of the couple as a whole. Since Lina does not know another model of relations, the girl perceives the one she saw as harmonious. Again, the house is quiet, there are no shouts, abuse. And the emotional cold is not noticed, it has become habitual.

Lina's husband's parents were constantly together: they were engaged in everyday life, worked, had a rest together. He absolutely does not understand Lina's desire to "be alone." For him, this is tantamount to rejection. Upon closer examination of Lina's family history, it turned out that "dad" is actually a stepfather. - My own father DROPPED me when I was two years old. Mom was in the hospital with me. I had a severe allergy. The father came to the hospital, said that his feelings had passed and he was leaving for another woman. In the course of therapy, it turned out that little Lina's allergy was her reaction to conflicts between her parents. The girl, who still spoke poorly, could only with her body, or rather, problems with her body, convey to her parents how scared and painful she was to be in such an atmosphere. She did not report. Have not heard. They couldn't hear themselves either. After the divorce, Lina shared her pain and anger with her father with her mother. He received the stigma - "traitor", and the girl forbade herself "even to mention his name." Both women, mother and daughter, concluded that "you should stay away from men." Lina forbade herself close relationships with men. Growing up, she learned to suppress her feelings by not allowing herself to trust, love, and bond. The divorce of her parents was not the only traumatic experience in the girl's life. Mom controlled her every step, and Lina, as best she could, protested against this control. So, after school, she left to study in another city. And she got married in secret. And only after registering the marriage, I “informed my mother”. At our first meeting, I ask where there are unpleasant sensations in Lina's body and how they look. It turned out that a huge fire was raging in Lina's chest. This is unexpressed anger that prevents a girl from living calmly and perceiving reality as it is. Lina watched the flames of the fire, at first it flared up to "incredible" sizes, then gradually began to fade away. As the fire faded, Lina's tension subsided. She even "allowed herself" to cry. In therapy, we had to work through the burden of pain that the girl had carried in herself since childhood. After Lina expressed her perceived feelings - fear, resentment, anger and sadness, she was able to feel a great unfulfilled love for her father. How much she missed him. When gratitude to her father for her life came to the place of claims, it became easier for the girl to communicate with her husband. She realized that she was transferring the anger directed at her father to her husband. Lina realized that the long-distance relationship that her mother had with her new husband was also due to her fear of intimacy. Fear inevitably comes with anger, and its strength is proportional to the magnitude of fear and anxiety. And a person begins to hate his partner, see in him the source of all his troubles and sorrows. And of course, pour out all your pain on him.

Gradually, the girl began to trust her husband more, to talk to him about her desires and feelings. In turn, wanting to maintain a relationship with Lina, my husband also came to therapy. Of course, he had his own reasons why he was afraid of separation from his wife. The man said that he "needed Lina like air." In therapy, he had to learn to feel comfortable being alone, while his wife was in close proximity. Staying in a relationship is much more difficult than creating one. Spouses successfully cope with their tasks. An important role is played by each of them working out personal traumas - fear of rejection in the husband, fear of absorption, merger in the wife. In a marital relationship, it is important to be able to be around without losing yourself. Perhaps this is the essence of family happiness.