Mom, Don't Leave Me In Tears

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

A 2-3 year old boy wanted a purple balloon. I wanted it right now, giving in to my inner impulse. He asked and my mother agreed. Simple joy, why not? The child has a lot of happiness, he is all in anticipation, he feels a lot of energy, perhaps he is jumping or even running to the store at full speed - soon his wish will come true. The world is beautiful.

They came to the store. There were balls of various colors in stock, but NO purple ones. For another couple of minutes, the boy's face retains a joyful expression, he is waiting for his balloon. But after another moment he is given to understand that he will not have a purple ball today. A multitude of feelings rush on the child's face - grief, anger, resentment, stubbornness, disappointment … All the energy of joy and anticipation suddenly turned into a flurry of rapidly changing complex feelings. It is difficult to endure, it is incomprehensible and scary, the baby begins to cry.

Mom invites her son to buy another ball (blue / red / light blue / orange) or go to another store, or come another day. She, as an adult, does not see this as a problem and is looking for solutions to calm the boy down. Sometimes it worked, but there are too many feelings. The desire was very strong and achievable, but suddenly faced with the impossibility of fulfillment. The child cannot come to terms with this. Tears intensify, turn into a scream, the son almost does not hear the mother's words, he is absorbed in feelings and cannot cope with them. He may even lie down on the floor, crying and thrashing on the floor with his hands.

What does mom do in such cases? She is often confused and does not know what to do. Mom is angry because it is incomprehensible, unpleasant, ugly, a trifling reason, ashamed in front of people, etc. The first impulse is to end the tantrum immediately. A variety of options are used:

- Stop - a demand to calm down immediately, by an effort of will. In fact, the impossible, the emotional-volitional sphere of the child is not yet developed enough to independently process mixed feelings, the tension is too high, the child needs help. It is impossible to simply turn off the toggle switch, this is a process that takes time.

- Bidding - an offer of replacement, bribery (another toy or sweet, or all at once). Most likely, the child will refuse any option. You can try to "raise rates" and get unexpected consent for a big enough purchase to be made. But at the peak of the experience, the child does not need something else. A conflict arises between WANT in relation to the purple ball (he already held it in his hands in his imagination) and NO from outside (as if he suddenly lost it). If the hysteria has been going on for some time - words are ineffective, try contact through the body.

- I'll leave - the threat to leave the baby himself to bawl in the store. Terrible manipulation by an adult. Should the fear of being abandoned overpower all these feelings? What choice do we put the baby in front of? “Do you choose me or your desires? Be comfortable, I won't accept you for others? Give up your feelings or will you lose your mother? (read - you will die, because the child's survival directly depends on the parent). The more you think about this situation, the more terrible it becomes.

- We are leaving - the mother takes the child in her arms, despite the resistance and cry, and takes it out of the store. Trying to get out of the problem space to relieve tension. It can work if it continues with the active emotional inclusion of the parent and the provision of space-time to exit the experience. If, on the part of the mother, complete disregard and transportation of the child home, like some screaming object, the effect is almost the same if the mother left herself. The child is left without support and attention, in difficult and incomprehensible experiences.

- Slaps on the buttocks, violence are generally unacceptable. And they will definitely not help here - they will add an even greater portion of feelings at the moment when the child is already unable to cope.

What should you do?

The most important thought that needs to be kept in mind: "I am an adult and I can cope with my feelings, and the child is not yet experienced, he is in a difficult situation and he needs my help." The kid does not cry to embarrass you or harm you. He just found himself in an emotionally unbearable situation for him and needs your support.

It is important to let your child know that you understand his feelings and that this is normal. With all our appearance and state, we demonstrate calmness and acceptance, readiness to help and support. Therefore, we breathe deeply and evenly, gain patience, speak slowly and in a calm voice. We don't go anywhere, we stay close, we voice what is happening, we name the feelings of the child.

You may need to say the same supportive phrases several times until the child's emotional state is evened out. Try to enter this kind of meditative state and stay in contact only with your baby, forgetting about external evaluations and opinions. If the child lies on the floor, sit down next to him. You can say out loud that you are there and ready to support him. Touch him gently - is he ready to interact with you? At first, hysterical words may not be perceived, so we try to get in touch through the body.

As you call your baby's feelings and accompany him in this state, he will calm down and move into a more connected state. Take seriously his pain and his emotions, and sincerely comfort the child. If he is ready for a hug - hug, pick up, breathe deeply together.

When emotions have subsided, a new solution can be found and an agreement can be reached. This is a difficult experience for a parent. But each such episode enriches the child's experience, teaches him to distinguish and understand his own feelings, gives an experience of support and acceptance, builds the foundation for emotional stability in the future, and also strengthens your connection in an incredible way.