"Children's Psychosomatics". Let's Leave Mom Alone?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In the age of scientific and technological progress, modern mothers cannot be envied. There is so much information that it is simply unrealistic to remain a mother who does not harm and psychological trauma to the child. Breastfeeding for more than a year is blissful, feeding with mixture is an egoist. Sleeping with a child - sexopathology, leaving one in a crib - deprivation, going to work - trauma, sitting with a child at home - impaired socialization, taking to circles - overstrain, not taking to circles - raising a consumer … And it would be funny if it were not for so sad. Mom did not have time to survive and rethink all the articles on the psychology of development and education - and here is a novelty in the wrapper of a common truth. If a child is ill, only the mother can be guilty - not directly, so indirectly, not physically, so energetically … And how can you maintain your sanity, not fall into depression and turn into an anxious neurotic?

I propose to leave mom alone, and to carefully figure out what the child "psychosomatics" really is.

Initially, I assume that the "bullying of mom" began from the very times when the popular formula "all diseases from the brain" came to the fore in the articles of popular psychology. If we know that any disease is based on some kind of psychological problem, then we need to find it. But when it suddenly turned out that the child has no concern for material values and prosperity, that the child does not experience such fatigue and resource limitations as an adult, does not have problems of a sexual nature, etc. due to age, the child is not yet woven into the social structure so much as to have all those complexes and experiences that adults have acquired over the years, bad luck is immediately discovered - either the interpretation of the reasons is incorrect (but I don’t want to believe it), or the problem is in my mother (how can I explain it otherwise?).

Yes. The child really largely depends on the mother, her mood, behavior, respectively, etc. The child absorbs some of the "problems" with breast milk, through hormones; part of the lack of resources and the inability to give the child what he really needs; part of the fact that the child becomes a hostage of taking out some problems, due to fatigue, ignorance, misunderstandings and erroneous interpretations, etc. And when it comes to angina, sore ears, enuresis, etc., a lot can be discussed, solved and made a discount that not everyone should understand medicine or psychology on an equal footing with specialists. But the modern problem of society lies in the fact that the emphasis from “all diseases from the brains”, and “childhood diseases from the brains of their parents”, has shifted to mothers with special children. At best, it is karma, a lesson or experience, at worst, it is punishment, retribution and working off … And then it is simply destructive to remain on the sidelines. Therefore, the first thing that is important to understand for someone who is really interested in "psychosomatics" and wants to work on himself in this direction is that NOT ALL DISEASES FROM THE BRAINS. And not even 85%, as many write about it;)

Sometimes illnesses are just illnesses

It so happens that stress reduces immunity. But stress is not only a mental concept, but also a physical one. Hypothermia or overheating, bright light, noise, vibration, pain, etc. - all this is also stress for the body, and even more so for the child. Also, stress is not a synonym for bad (read distress and eustress), and deplete and weaken the body, positive events, surprises, etc. can quite be for themselves.

Moreover, if a child goes to kindergarten / school, he is constantly at risk of viral or bacterial infection. If there is chickenpox in the garden, if there is whooping cough in the garden, if some stick is sown in excess in the kitchen, worms, lice, etc. Does this indicate that the child's mother has projected her psychological problems onto him? Does this mean that only those children who have an unfavorable psychological climate in the family will get sick?

In my practice of working with allergic diseases, there was a case of a mother who for a long time was looking for her "hidden grievances and controversial feelings" in relation to the father of a child with whom she was divorced. The connection was obvious, because the rashes on the girl's body appeared after a while after meeting with dad, but feelings were not found, because the divorce was amicable. The conversation with the parents did not give any clues, but the conversation with the child revealed the fact that the father, when meeting with his daughter, simply fed her with chocolate, and so that the mother did not swear, it was their little secret.

You just need to accept as a fact that sometimes illnesses are just illnesses.

Sometimes illnesses are the result of psychological problems in the family

Different families, different living conditions, level of income, education, etc. There are families that are "incomplete", and there are also "overcrowded" families with grandparents, or when several families live in the same territory, eg brothers and sisters. In families of “overcrowded” children, there are too many different models and options for establishing relationships, rights, responsibilities, in incomplete families - on the contrary. Often, both from an overabundance and from a lack of these connections, conflicts arise. Hidden or explicit, they are found in almost any family, and can affect the health of the child, both directly and indirectly. What kind of beacons can be used to suspect the psychosomatic basis of diseases in children?

1. The age of the child under 3 years old, especially in the case when the child is breastfed and spends most of his time only with one of the parents (guardians).

2. Diseases appear as if from nowhere, without any precursors and appropriate conditions (if they are not worms).

3. Diseases tend to recur constantly (some children are constantly sick with sore throats, others with otitis media, etc.)

4. Diseases pass easily and too quickly, or vice versa, unnecessarily prolonged.

All this may indicate a psychosomatic basis for the onset of the disease, but not necessarily.

For example, in a family where the child is prohibited from showing negative emotions (crying, screaming, getting angry, etc.), angina may well be a kind of way to show parents that silence, difficulty breathing and difficulty swallowing (the same happens when a child must suppress the "hysteria"), etc. - this is not normal, it should not be so.

However, it happens that a child suffers from sore throats in a family in which it is allowed to show their emotions and it is customary to discuss and talk about their problems. Then this suggests that the throat area is simply a constitutionally weak spot in the body, therefore any fatigue, overexertion, etc. first of all, they "beat" there.

An analysis of a family case by a psychosomatics specialist helps to determine whether there is actually a psychological cause for the ailment or a physiological cause.

Sometimes illnesses are unconsciously projected by the child himself, for secondary benefits

From early childhood, the child learns that the patient is provided with special "benefits" in the form of goodies, attention, extra sleep and cartoons, etc.

The older the children get, the more the secondary benefit takes on the character of avoidance - not going to grandmother's, not going to the garden, skipping a test, shifting their work onto someone else, etc.

All these options are weakly dependent on the mother's psychological state, and at the same time, they are easily recognized and can be correctly explained and corrected by her.

Sometimes diseases are a manifestation of alexithymia or a reaction to taboo

And this is not so easy to recognize, but it is very important.

Due to insufficient vocabulary, inability to express their feelings with the help of words and simply an elementary misunderstanding of any connections and processes of the adult world, the child expresses his feelings through the body.

Typically, these are topics "unreported" or "secret", for example, the topic of death, the topic of loss, the topic of sex, the topic of violence (psychological, physical, economic, etc.), etc. It is impossible to insure against this, and as practice shows, they are subjected to the same violence and children with whom the parents discussed such issues, and children with whom the interviews were not conducted … This happens not only with older children, but also with babies. The first news that something is going wrong may be sudden changes in behavior, academic performance, nightmares, bedwetting, etc.

Sometimes diseases come to children through generations

From great-grandmothers and great-grandfathers, and not from the psychological climate in a new family. Psychological theories about hereditary pathological patterns, you've probably read it by now. It is easy to imagine them in the form of an old anecdote, in which:

The granddaughter cut the wings of the turkey, put it in the oven and, thinking about why such tasty parts should be thrown away, asked her mother:

- Why do we trim the wings of a turkey?

- Well, my mother - your grandmother always did that.

Then the granddaughter asked her grandmother why the turkey's wings should be cut, and the grandmother replied that her mother did this. The girl had no choice but to go up to her great-grandmother and ask why it was customary in their family to clip the wings of a turkey, and the great-grandmother said:

“I don’t know why you are cutting, but I had a very small oven and the whole turkey didn’t fit into it.”

As an inheritance from our ancestors, we receive not only necessary and useful attitudes and skills, but also those that have lost their value and significance, and sometimes even turned into destructive cause of childhood obesity). Therefore, at first glance, it can be quite difficult to find a connection with a specific event in the past, since again, there are no special conflicts in the family, the mother is relatively mentally stable, etc. But it is possible)

Sometimes childhood illnesses are just a given

It happens that parents lead an immoral lifestyle, smoke, drink, etc., and they have absolutely healthy children. And it happens that a long-awaited child, born with love and care, is born with pathology. Nobody knows for sure why this is happening. Neither doctors, nor psychologists, nor priests, all only assume and often these versions exclude one another.

The pathology can be clearly expressed, or it can be indirect, and in this case there will always be someone who will “explain” to the mother that she thinks wrong, does the wrong thing, etc., because “all diseases are from the brain, and childhood diseases from the brains of parents! If there is an opportunity to tactfully explain to such people that "the worst unsolicited advice" - this would be the best option.

Of course, mothers of special children can very often ask themselves what they did wrong. And there can be only one answer here - everything was done the way it should have been done. Do not take on the blame that "psychosomatic well-wishers" impose on you.

In psychotherapy there is such a direction of "positive psychology and psychotherapy." It comes from the understanding that the events that happen to us are not initially bad or good, but simply as they are. Any situation can be taken for granted, just as a fact that happened "yes, it happened and it is so." And any situation can be set the direction of development - “yes, it happened to us, no one is to blame for this, I could not influence this event earlier, but I can make every effort to direct our life with the data that already exists in a constructive direction”.

And finally, I want to remind mothers that children who are often ill for a long time do not necessarily have more psychological difficulties and problems in the family than children whose health seems to us ideal. The body is just one of the options for processing energy, including mental … Someone's child solves his problems and family problems through study, someone through character, someone through behavior, etc. This, of course, is a reminder not for schadenfreude, but so that you understand that if childhood ailments happen in your families more often than in others, you should not reproach yourself for parental failure, but enlist the support of doctors and psychologists.