2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Against the background of my personal limitations, my future husband seemed overly sensitive and emotional, and in the beginning it scared me. In a relationship with me, the pressure of passions is good in the first couple of days, I can't stand it anymore. But it turned out that we function quite well in pairs: either supporting or grounding each other. When I fall into the half-childish "I am a cat, I have paws", he very deftly picks me up and "carries in his arms" just as much as it takes to return to the state of an adult. When he has time trouble in his life, my ability to turn off emotions and act solely on the basis of cold calculation helps us a lot. I deal well with stress, he is great at organizing a safe space where you can be yourself. And this is perhaps the main thing that keeps us together - complete acceptance of each other with all the giblets. It's very important for me not to lie or pretend. As a psychologist, I understand perfectly well that you can't stand on tiptoes for a long time. Therefore, despite the ability to easily change masks in public, you want to be yourself at home. Relationships that are comfortable without skin are rare.
Our habit of constantly splitting ourselves has a detrimental effect on the ability to interact in pairs. Often grown up girls think in black and white, dividing their inner self into good / bad, and actions - into decent / indecent. This is especially true in the case of sexuality. The stereotype "they marry good people, they fuck with loved ones" is surprisingly tenacious. Therefore, we continue to divide our desires into "clean" and "dirty", and relationships into "love" and "family". This attitude can be derived from parental morality (with a Puritan upbringing), the result of fright (if the child has become the object or witness of sexual activity), or a personal conclusion (for example, with excessively free behavior of the mother or older sister). In any case, sexuality (as an analogue of freedom, passion, delight) is opposed to security (as an analogue of rules, structure, “norm”).
On the one hand, a woman wants to be fully loved - which means being herself - emotionally and sexually. On the other hand, on a subconscious level, she is hindered by the fear that if she behaves naturally, no one wants a serious relationship. The notorious “they don’t marry such people”. "On what" such "?" - I like to ask. It turns out that they are free, liberated, sensual - that is, those who you want to be, but "you can't." When sexuality is prohibited, splitting occurs: the image of oneself - “desired”, contradicts the image of oneself - “correct”.
"What will he think of me if I do THIS in bed?" - sometimes clients tell me, making scary eyes. And they decide to "control" their sexuality, ignoring the needs and banishing bold fantasies from the matrimonial bedroom. As a result, by their actions, these women not only deprive themselves of joy, but also involuntarily "castrate" their partners. Because any attentive man, determined to give pleasure to his beloved, feels her constraint and innuendo, taking it personally. This is how a conflict is born that has broken more than one family. Because by excluding some part of our personality from the equation, we are excluding our real self from the relationship.
If you close yourself off from your partner, depriving him of access to your innermost desires and fears, you are depriving him of the chance to build a full-fledged relationship with you, and not your retouched image. Therefore, when you suddenly suddenly "breaks through" (and breaks through everyone and always), and your true "I" enters the scene, the partner really does not understand what is happening. He is not ready for this and does not know how to react.
What to do? Stop dividing yourself into black and white, bad and good, into wife and mistress, mother and daughter, whore and nun. Our life, our personality and our psyche (especially healthy) consists of shades. There is nothing unambiguous, and the concept of "norm" is different for everyone. Try, instead of splitting, to combine parts of your personality, "marry" desires and opportunities, accept your fears and live out your fantasies. Do not deprive yourself and your loved ones of the variety and the chance to build full-fledged trusting relationships.
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