Stepfather Or "Hello, Uncle!"

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The child is created by two … a man and a woman. At will or in a spontaneous way, as it turns out. How much these two are in tune and have a desire to see their relationship in its continuation - in the child.

A child for a couple is evidence of their close and trusting relationship, their love, or at least sympathy.

They "melt" their attitude to each other into a new life - a new born person. Now they are growing their relationship in a different capacity, as spouses, as mother and father, as parents to their child.

A child is a flower planted and grown on "soil" consisting of a palette of various sensual shades expressed in educational moments: care, attention, warmth, sometimes with an admixture of tears, experiences, disagreements …

The attitude of parents towards their child in each family is very different. In some family, a child is a long-awaited one, he is cared for, cherished, carefully "nurtured", developed, seeing in him his continuation.

In another family, the child is treated as a “weed”, a family “appendage”. Who can be treated as a consumer, using it exclusively for their own purposes, regardless of his views, desires and opinions, without respecting the child as a person.

And the child perceives the attitude of the parents as a kind of norm, taken for granted. Since such parents are given to him, he loves them unconditionally, believes them, expects from them manifestations of love, affection, attention, and reasonable control.

Parents for a child are his amulets on which he can rely. They create supports in the child's soul that support and protect him, if necessary. Without these supports, it is difficult and almost impossible to survive in the world alone, while you are small and unintelligent.

The family can change over a period of time. Relationships in a couple undergo various kinds of transformations. Emotional "chemistry", consisting of curiosity, attraction to each other, interest - suddenly dries up …

And then the child can become a kind of "hindrance" for people who no longer see the continuation of their relationship. After all, he is evidence of their past feelings, very different in their content and content.

When parents don't want to be together anymore, they decide to leave. Often this decision is not related to the opinion of the child, who wants to reunite the parents anyway. After all, dad and mom are relatives and people close to him, his parts of the personality, he was created from them "in the image and likeness."

But, this is how it happens in life … Nobody asks a child if he wants to be born, it is always a decision of two adults. Also, when deciding to leave, for the most part, the child is simply presented with a fact.

The child understands and sees only that the parents no longer love each other and do not want to be together. Or one of them …

For a child, at almost any age, parental divorce is an extremely traumatic experience. If only this was not the only way out due to the difficult situation in the family.

It is very difficult for an adult and grown-up child to understand and accept the divorce of parents, in fact. The child identifies with his parents. Psychologically, these are parts of his subpersonality. It happens that outwardly he is very similar to one of the parents, and much of his behavior is borrowed from the other.

When a family breaks up, it also changes in number.

Basically, the mother stays with the child and can continue to take care of it herself, with or without the support of the child's own father.

And it happens that over time, a new member of the family - the stepfather - is “invited” to the family. This is a different person, completely unfamiliar to the child. He is simply put, again, in front of a new fact that he will now have another or another, already step-like, dad.

In fact, this is someone else's “uncle” for the child, whom the mother chooses according to some of her individual criteria, which she understands. For mom, this person becomes dear and close, he is something important to her. For a child, however, it is often not clear why this is, and suddenly, he must live with a person unfamiliar to him and not at all close.

The child becomes scared, anxious and lonely … "The template is breaking" in the perception of the picture of the family world, consisting of him, dad and mom. And now the stranger is actually taking the place of his own parent.

If the child is not prepared for a change in the family disposition, then for him all this can turn into a psychological trauma. He will "freeze" in his inner loneliness, without real and sincere support from dear, significant and close people - his parents.

The stepfather may not love the child at all, then a small and stepfather person will annoy and interfere with him. The main goal of this man is to be close to a woman, for some reason, known to him. And then there's a child …

Then he understands that the child is a kind of "complex structure", especially if he remains in a warm relationship with his own father. In this case, for the stepfather, it is also jealousy of their relationship.

Why should he raise a child who is alien to him, and not him, but his rival, the child's father, will be loved and recognized? Such thoughts may arise in the head of a stepfather.

And, although, there is a saying about the fact that “not the father who gave birth, but the one who raised the child,” upbringing is different.

If a new person, who calls himself a dad, treats the child with respect, trying to approach the child as carefully and gradually as possible, without taking "sharp steps", maintaining a reasonable psychological distance with the child, then in such a relationship there is a chance that the child will gradually get used to him … And he will let him into his circle of trusting and safe relationships for him.

It is normal that a child is afraid at first of a stranger, does not trust him, looks closely at him, even compares him to his father …

This is how new relationships are formed for him, which will either replace the previous ones, or supplement them with a new extension of the family in his mind, and he will "get" another dad or friend in the family.

Yes, being in a relationship with a woman who has a child from a previous marriage is very difficult, in fact, for a man. This is an increased responsibility. If this is a balanced and reasonable choice of an adult, then he will be able to solve such a life task.

And, perhaps, she will become a friend, support for the child, enrich herself with new and different relationships in her life. Here it is important not to "go too far" and not "break" the child for himself, emphasizing his authority.

The responsibility lies entirely with adults.

However, it happens that the "uncle" is guided only by the principle "you cannot be forcibly sweet", does not want to emotionally "invest" in the relationship, believing that this is owed and owed to him for the fact that he deigned to enter someone else's family and "made happy" her presence.

Then the mother may be good in a relationship with a new partner, but not for the child. They will ignore him, ignore his desires, endlessly "build" to please the "uncle's" whims. Often a child can feel rejected, superfluous, unnecessary in a new and "alien" family for him.

It is very difficult to maintain a balance in such a situation. But it's worth it if adults want to build their relationships and be happy in them.

The topic of the “new dad” and his stay with the family is daunting, in my opinion.

The development and quality of the family as a whole depends on how much the psychological "puzzles" of relationships coincide, whether they are compatible in principle.

Will the family live in a fuller, larger composition? Or in one family the child will simply live by itself, internally, and the adults around him will live their own lives.

If the child does not have contact at all with the “stranger's uncle”, and the mother will still “hold on” to the relationship and her choice, then conflicts are inevitable between the growing child and his stepfather.

Adults will simply wait until the child grows up and “grows off”, i.e. will live separately. And free them from their presence.

Then the child, while growing up, may suffer from a "cold" attitude towards himself on the part of his stepfather. Especially if he does not show any interest in the child and his interests are completely alien to him.

A man may be a close person to the child's mother, but he will never develop a trusting relationship with the child.

It is also not easy for a mother to be in such a situation “between two fires”. But she's an adult. And the child is more psychologically, and physically weak, besides, his life and safety directly depends on the adults around him.

The experience of communicating and living with an aggressively tuned "uncle" can be extremely traumatic for him.

This is a painful family situation. Often occurs in families of addicted people. Where all family members get sick and are thus in difficult, toxic and unsafe relationships.

There is no universal “recipe” for building harmonious relationships in a family where there is a stepfather and his step-child. Each family is an individual unit with its own complex nuances in relationships.

Much depends on the stepfather, as a potential adult. How much this person is generally able to love children, for example. How he manifests himself in close relationships, withstands them, his ability and desire to overcome the inevitable difficulties that arise in communicating with the child. To what extent he is ready to take responsibility in the upbringing and providing the necessary assistance to the child. Is he able to respect and see the child's personality and potential in general? Be objective, kind enough and sensitive to the inner world of the child.

And, if such qualities are present in an adult man, then the child will definitely reciprocate …