Rules For The Protection Of Children During Family Conflicts

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Periodic quarrels in any family life are quite natural. Quarrels and conflicts are part of a healthy dynamic of relationships, when people "grind" to each other or try to find a solution that is acceptable to both

Each of the parties to the conflict gains something and loses something. Despite the fact that I do not work with children, I often face the consequences of family conflicts in the personality of adult clients who were once children and watched family showdowns. It would seem that no tragedy happened and everyone eventually made up. However, in the child's psyche, this is a big wound that bleeds for years and leaves an imprint on the rest of his life. My adult clients, who inevitably bring childhood trauma into their adult lives, most often share how they felt witnessing adult conflicts. And today they understand the causes and consequences of human behavior, understand the human factor, they themselves are active and passive participants in conflicts, but when they find themselves in similar circumstances, where does everything rational go!

Our early experiences are deposited in the psyche. The childhood experience that has become an emotional and bodily memory is called the Inner Child. It is from this part of the personality that we experience the very feelings that we had in childhood. Therefore, children of conflicting parents often suffer even as adults.

What does it look like? You, being an adult, perfectly aware of reality, find yourself in a situation where, for example, a husband and wife quarrel. They say certain phrases, and you, returning to childhood, again become a child who, with all his might, wants to reconcile his parents and is ready to take all the blame, intervene, separate, prove to everyone that he is wrong. All for the sake of peace.

To cope with the consequences of such an experience, where a person in childhood witnessed a showdown, we with clients usually return to those situations, recall our feelings, thoughts, and decisions that were made in that stressful environment. And based on what the client now knows about life, he makes a new, productive decision. For example, we can change, in several sessions, the client's early decision that “I am to blame for the fact that close people quarrel, and I can fix it,” to another, adult and more productive one - “Conflicts between two separate adults are their responsibility. I can choose when to get involved and when not to get involved in these conflicts.”

This happens to adults when they get into psychotherapy. But what can you do to prevent your children from becoming clients of psychotherapists in the future?

Rule one. The younger the child, the less he should be included in the conflict. This means that young children should be protected from active participation or contemplation of family squabbles. The best way is to conflict out of sight of the child. It is desirable to minimize the "loudness" of the conflict and completely exclude damage to each other or surrounding property. This is useful in any kind of conflict. I draw your attention to the fact that this applies specifically to young children. Older children will be included in the process in one way or another. And for them there are slightly different rules.

The second rule. Distribute responsibility in the conflict. The worst thing that can be is to leave the child a witness to the conflict, and then not react to it in any way. Even if a conflict occurred between you and your husband or wife, but the child was present, the task of the parents is to relieve the child of responsibility for what is happening, which he inevitably takes upon himself. Why? Because in unbearable circumstances, each person takes responsibility and, accordingly, feels guilty. It's a defense mechanism that helps you cope. Because if the responsibility does not lie with me, it means that I cannot do anything to change the situation. It is impossible to cope with this, and also to accept. If your child has witnessed a family conflict, at the end of this conflict, both parents must definitely approach the child and talk to him about the fact that sometimes adults quarrel, so they try to come to a common opinion.

Quarreling people get angry, that's okay. It is important to find out how the child is feeling, to name his feelings in words (you are scared, you are angry). Next, you need to explain to the child that he does not need to be afraid or intervene in the conflicts between mom and dad. It is also necessary to explain that everything that happens is not the responsibility of the child, that adults are able to cope with it and come to a common decision. Very rarely, but there are parents who still find out with the child how he understood the conflict. Of course, this works with older children. It is imperative that the child hears that adults are taking responsibility for what is happening from both parents.

Rule three. Both parties to the conflict do not leave the room or apartment until the conflict is resolved. This is of strategic importance. Observing the interaction of parents, the child adopts the model of behavior of the parents of the same sex and the model of the relationship with the parent of the opposite sex. Healthy conflict resolution is the here and now solution. This means that only the situation that has arisen is discussed, it is discussed exactly at the moment when it is relevant, the participants remain in contact with each other as long as necessary to completely resolve the situation. If the child sees that one of the parents leaves home at the time when the conflict occurs, he will assume a model of behavior in which the conflict is not resolved, but avoided.

Fourth rule. The child must see and understand the solution to the conflict. Both parents in a simple and understandable language for the child, and in his presence repeat the compromise decision that they came to. In addition, it is very important that each of the parties to the conflict apologizes to others, including the child. This is a good example - to teach to realize that in any quarrel everyone is to blame and everyone suffers. Even a passive observer. You need to ask for forgiveness sincerely, looking at each other.

The fifth rule. Learn to express your point of view in the format "When you say so, I feel …" This teaches you and your child to share responsibility. Classics of the genre: “You (bad / indifferent / irresponsible)! Change! " If you give yourself a pause for reflection, it becomes clear that such a formulation removes responsibility from the accuser and places it on the accused. And everything would be fine, but there is a nuance. Relationships are, first of all, equal participation and equal responsibility of both of the couple. Both. And always equally. This means that any problem can be solved only by being equally involved in it. The next nuance is the physiological reaction to aggression: protection, avoidance, or freezing. None of this solves the problem. When you speak on your own, you take responsibility for your feelings and show the other how he influences you. This is what the child must be taught in conflict.

Rule six. Don't threaten each other. Once I had a 15-year-old boy at my reception, whose parents make scandals every day and have absolutely no control over their speech. He was very scared when he heard: “I’m going to turn your face into porridge” and “If you don’t shut up, I’ll throw myself out the window.” It had been like that for most of his life, and a painful lump of fear had formed inside. The boy stopped leaving the house, refused to go to school and did not allow even fleeting contact between his parents. You said and forgot, but the children perceived and remembered. Moreover, they vividly imagined what their parents had promised and managed to get scared to death. You are adults and you are able to think about what you are saying.

Seventh rule. Another terrible mistake many parents make is bringing their child into conflict. It often sounds like "What do you say?" or "And you are against me too!" Thus, you put the child in front of a choice - one parent or the other. In general, in family life, discussing one of the parents with a child in a “neOK” format should be taboo. The choice between parents is always unbearable for the child and is extremely traumatic. If you were a victim of such a choice, I am sure you remember it to this day. This means that the wound still hurts. To save your child from such an experience, resist the temptation to attract him to your side.

Eighth rule. Don't deny the conflict. Every child has a natural sensitivity to the emotions around them. And even if you don't tell him anything about what is happening - he feels it, believe me. And the older you are, the more insulting denial will be. It is painful, scary and very angry when the question "What happened?" the child hears "It seemed to you that everything is fine with us." He won't believe it anyway. But he will suffer, looking for his own guilt and responsibility for the happening "nothing". It is better to explain that there was a conflict, but you are trying to find a solution together.

So:

- conflicts need to be normalized as a phenomenon;

- your conflict should be healthy and set an example of how you can defend your point of view in a civilized manner;

- conflict is contact between people, but not ignorance;

- the conflict should either be out of sight of the child, or be understandable for him;

- the child should remain with the feeling that adults are able to resolve the conflict themselves and bear responsibility for it themselves (but no “don't go in, adults will figure it out” - only through explanation);

- a child is a zone of neutrality.

Implementing these recommendations will not be easy, but I am sure that your child's safety is of utmost importance to you.

/ The article was published in the publication "Mirror of the Week": /