Eight Types Of Relationships With A Mother

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

A daughter who did not receive love, care and attention from her mother in childhood has a number of psychological problems in adulthood. Low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence, isolation - form a number of negative psychological attitudes and stereotypes of behavior, which, in turn, limit a woman in realizing her own identity. For example, they make her unable to build close relationships with people in general and with men in particular.

What is the message that the daughters of mothers who are unable to show their love do not receive? And what is the most important information that loving mothers give their children?

An emotionally comfortable empathic message from a mother to a child can be verbally expressed by the following formula:

“You are who you are. You are what you feel. You can be fragile and vulnerable, because you are still a child."

American writer Judith Wiorst proposes to use this setting in communication with children.

Daughters who have not received maternal love hear completely different messages and receive exactly the opposite lessons. The negative influence of the mother can have various psychological connotations.

Dysfunctional relationships between people are otherwise called "toxic".

Let's consider the main types of "toxic" mothers:

Dismissive mother

Such mothers do not notice or underestimate the merits of their children. A negative consequence of this behavior is that daughters, in turn, begin to devalue their merits themselves, because children trust their parents and perceive parental messages without criticism. Daughters of dismissive mothers tend to question the value of their own emotions. They feel that they are not worthy of attention, doubt themselves and are in an eternal search for love and confirmation of their own worth.

Dismissive mothers always know what is best for their children and therefore do not feel it necessary to ask them what they want for dinner, whether they like clothes bought without their participation, or whether they want to go to summer camp. Of course, such subtle matters as the thoughts or feelings of a child do not bother her.

Often, neglect of the child's feelings turns into their complete denial. By nature, a person tends to seek closeness with his mother, and this need is not diminished if the mother neglects the feelings of the child. The daughters of such mothers constantly ask themselves the question: “Why don't you love me, mom?”, “Why do you ignore me?”, “Why doesn't it matter to you what I feel?”. They fall into the illusion that if they do something in the best possible way (for example, get an A or take first place in a competition), then their mother will definitely appreciate them, and they will receive the long-awaited maternal love. Unfortunately, the response to endless attempts tends to be further maternal neglect and diminution of the daughter's merits.

Controlling mother

In a sense, this behavior is another manifestation of the child's disregard for the feelings. Such mothers try to control and influence all aspects of their daughters' lives, not wanting to take into account the child's choice. Thus, they cultivate feelings of helplessness and insecurity in their daughters. Of course, mothers think that they are acting in the best interests of their children. The message that the daughters of controlling mothers receive is as follows: "You do not know how to make your own decisions, you are inadequate, you cannot be trusted, without me you are not capable of anything."

Emotionally unavailable mother

Evolutionarily, all children tend to rely on their mothers. Unable to express their feelings for the child, emotionally unavailable mothers hinder this mechanism. Such mothers do not openly demonstrate their aggression towards the child, however, they behave aloof. At the same time, the attitude towards another child can be exactly the opposite, which even more traumatizes the daughter, who cannot receive mother's love. This behavior is expressed in the absence of physical contact, the mother does not hug, does not calm the child when he cries, in the most difficult case, literally leaves the child. For the rest of their lives, children abandoned by their parents ask themselves, “What did I do wrong? Why didn't my mother want me to be with her?"

Emotional inaccessibility of a parent provokes in children dependence on people and an eternal thirst for close relationships.

Symbiotic mother

Emotional symbiosis is a state of unhealthy fusion in a relationship between two people. In the previous case, we considered this type of behavior when the mother distances herself from the child. Symbiotic behavior is the exact opposite of the case in which the mother sees no boundaries between herself and the child. Unfortunately, such relationships become “stifling” for children, because each person simply needs their own space. Such mothers live on the merits of the child, having no life of their own outside the family. They have high expectations from children, because their success is a marker of the mother's own success.

Children, in turn, do not receive the freedom necessary for the development of an adult personality and often remain infantile, which cannot but please the symbiotic mother, because her children always need her.

Aggressive mother

A mother who shows open aggression, as a rule, does not even admit to herself that she can be cruel to her daughter. Such mothers are very attentive to how they look in the eyes of others. Aggression towards a child can be expressed in physical or emotional abuse, such mothers endlessly criticize their daughters, often envy them, or even try to compete with their own child.

Children of aggressive mothers often think that they themselves are to blame for everything, because they provoked the aggressive behavior of their mother. An aggressive mother's sure weapon is to try to blame the child for a particular situation and to shame him.

In addition, abusive mothers rationalize their behavior by convincing themselves that abuse is absolutely necessary to correct defects in their daughter's behavior and character.

Unreliable mother

Unreliable mothers are characterized by unstable behavior, the child never knows for sure who he will have to deal with today: with a “bad” mother or with a “good” mother. Today his mother attacks him with endless criticism, and tomorrow she is completely calm and even affectionate. The image of a child's relationship is formed on the basis of how parents behave with them. The children of such mothers receive a message that the relationship is unreliable and even dangerous, because the child never knows what to expect, and has no idea about a secure attachment.

Narcissistic mother

She's a narcissistic mother. If such mothers notice their children, it is only as their own continuation. It is very important for these mothers how they look in the eyes of the people around them. Of course, no narcissistic mother admits this, but the truth is that her connection with her child is very superficial, because her own persona is always her focus.

Outwardly, everything looks just perfect: such mothers are attractive and adorable, they have nice clean houses, many of them have a variety of talents. The daughters of narcissistic mothers usually play the role of Cinderella. By the way, in the original version of the Brothers Grimm fairy tale, there was no evil stepmother, only an evil mother.

Immature mother

This is a situation of role reversal, when a daughter from an early age becomes an eternal helper, nurse or even the mother of her own mother. This often happens when a mother has children too early or has many children but cannot cope with them. Often this is the lot of older children in large families who take a lot of care of their younger brothers and sisters, but do not receive proper care themselves. Unfortunately, these children often report that they did not have a childhood, and that the mother was more a friend than a parent.

Daughters of mothers with alcohol dependence or untreated depression may also find themselves as caregivers for their mothers and as parents for their siblings. At the same time, mothers who have not grown up can love their children with all their hearts, but be unable to take care of them.

Afterword

The pattern of maternal behavior is passed down from generation to generation, from mother to daughter. Therefore, the mother cannot be blamed for building a toxic relationship with her child, because subconsciously she works out the samples she received from her mother. A young mother can read as many books as she wants about the development and upbringing of children, but when in a stressful situation, with a high degree of probability, she will behave like her own mother. For example, a usually calm and positive mother from all sides, who promised herself never to repeat the mistakes of her aggressive mother, suddenly realizes that she hit the child when he disobeyed and climbed up the window.

Only solving one's own long-standing problems (often with the help of psychotherapy) can help change such non-working patterns and break the chain of toxic relationships between mother and child. This is a very important and necessary investment, because it is the mother who most instills in her daughter the ability to be a loving mother who can create healthy affection with her child.

Peg Streep