4 Types Of Lies Of A Loveless Mother

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In our culture, the mother is considered "normal" as long as she does not physically injure the child, unloving mothers are not responsible for their words as long as their children are fed, clothed and have a roof over their heads. But even orphanages provide this to a child, right?

In our culture, we tend to downplay the impact of mothers (and fathers) hurtful words, but now I would like to talk about this issue from a slightly different perspective - not so much about the specific words spoken, but about what follows from them.

Since in our culture the mother is considered "normal" as long as she does not physically harm the child, unloving mothers are not responsible for their words as long as their children are fed, clothed, and have a roof over their heads. But even orphanages provide this to a child, right?

Wounds from words

What are the lessons about the world and how it works, taught by an unloving mother? First, let's remember how many teenagers committed suicide before society paid serious attention to teen bullying, which for a long time was considered unpleasant, but "normal" phenomenon, they say, all children go through it. Mythology around motherhood - the myths that maternal love is instinctive, that all mothers love their children, that maternal love is always unconditional - do not allow us to freely and openly talk about how many women are left with unmet emotional needs in childhood and how many wounds they receive …

We ignore the emotional damage inflicted on the child by humiliating words, words that make him feel inadequate, unloved, meaningless - although even science has already proven that wounds from words are not only as traumatic as physical wounds, but also a trace of them. stretches much further.

Verbal aggression literally changes the structure of the developing brain.

Parents rule a small world in which a daughter grows up from infancy to childhood; the conditions of this world are created by the parents, it is they who decide with whom, how, when and how much the child will communicate. A daughter not only relies on the love and support of her mother, in this small world she absorbs "truths" about how relationships work in the big world.

I made a list of these so-called "truths" (some of them I remember from my childhood) and the harm they cause to my daughter's psyche.

1. Love must be earned

The daughters of unloving mothers described strategies they used to literally snatch love for themselves - bringing home good grades, doing extra chores around the house, trying not to upset their mother in any way - but that was never enough. From this, they learned a bitter lesson, what love is and how to get it: it can be acquired with the help of a certain magic formula that they never manage to find out, love is never given just like that and that something is missing all the time, they are not good enough to justify this love.

Children who have grown up with siblings who receive more maternal attention experience something similar. Usually such children in adulthood do not trust those who love them just like that, without any conditions; and instead of filling their life with joy, unconditional love fills them with anxiety, and they constantly live in anticipation of the catch.

2. There are bad children (and you are one of them)

All children make mistakes - they lose and break things, do not obey the rules, do something wrong, but unloving mothers blame not the child's behavior for everything, but his essence. The vase was broken not because it was wet outside, and it slipped out of her daughter's hands, but because she is dumb, clumsy and irresponsible. Her new red sweater has disappeared from the shelf of the closet, and this is proof of her ingratitude, slovenliness and that she does not deserve all these beautiful things. Every mistake becomes a personal mistake and is perceived as a consequence of the daughter's uselessness. These words are automatically absorbed and become the daughter's inner critic, a subconscious chorus that constantly repeats to her that she is not worthy of anything and does not deserve happiness.

3. Children should be watched, not listened to

This statement not only emphasizes the power of the mother, but also conveys the idea that the daughter's feelings and thoughts are not worth taking seriously. This message is often expressed through "I'm not interested in what you think" or "what you feel is wrong." Such words very quickly make the daughter distrust herself and her perception of what is happening. Many daughters - and I believe I am one of them - know that something is wrong and they worry that they are going crazy. Become confident that what they hear and feel does not exist in reality. This type of inner conflict, which arises from the opposite of what a loving mother does when she tries to acknowledge her child's feelings, is highly destructive. And since it is automatically assimilated by the daughter and becomes an unconscious pattern of thinking about oneself, it is very difficult to "retrain" it.

4. Big girls don't cry

Shame is the dirtiest weapon of an unloving mother, and alas, it is this that they prefer to use easily and often. Humiliating a child in this way - making him ashamed of his feelings and vulnerabilities - is a special kind of violence, and the daughter may in response to this cut off the connection with her feelings in order to convince herself that she is not only a big girl, but also a good one. Daughters who have disrupted food relationships or other self-destructive behaviors such as self-cutting are often told that they had to hide their feelings underground as children to avoid bullying and humiliation from their mother or siblings.

The idea that some mothers can be tyrants is contrary to all myths about motherhood and motherly love, but that does not mean that this cannot be.