2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Why is it so hard to say no at times? Because there is an experience of a negative reaction to a refusal, for example, my mother said “no” to my father and received a stream of abuse in response, or even worse - a punch in the face. Or, in response to the refusal of the father, the mother began to be hysterical. The child concludes that refusal is something unpleasant and dangerous. The prohibition to contradict, to say "no" also arises when in childhood they were punished for this: shouting, flogging, ignoring or displeased glances. And when love and attention are not enough, what can you not do to be accepted. As a result, the child is afraid to go against his parents, refuses his own opinion, and therefore part of himself. Practical example. The client is in long-term therapy. Permission was obtained from her to publish an excerpt from the therapy session; her name was changed. Sveta takes timid steps in a relationship with a man. They have known Semyon for only ten days. Once he invited a girl to a cafe, then he preferred to spend the evenings in a cozy Sveta's apartment. - Today Semyon called and asked: "See you in the evening?" I replied that I would like to go somewhere: in a cafe, cinema, theater. He replied: "I have no money." Me: "Then I will go somewhere alone, or with a friend." I thought: “What a man he is if he can't even earn money for a movie. If he does not want to spend money on me, then I am not valuable to him. " And then other thoughts appeared: “He will think that I only need money from him, he will be offended and will not come again. I will be left alone, no one needs me. It's fun and interesting with him."
What do you want, Svetlana?
“I would like to say no without fear.
With what feeling would you like to say no?
- Calmly.
Say: "I allow myself to say" no "and feel calm at the same time
Sveta repeats the suggested phrase.
How does the body react to your words? Is there discomfort somewhere?
- Yes, in the chest.
What is the image of the discomfort?
- Threads. I see pairs of people, men and women, tied with threads. They are uncomfortable, but they cannot extricate themselves. And they don't want to. We got used to it. They don't see each other. Some stand sideways, some with their backs.
How did it happen that they ended up in this position?
- At first they wanted intimacy, love. But, everyone was afraid of rejection, not feeling their own worth, afraid to be left alone, and therefore tied a partner to themselves. They have given up on themselves, their desires, in order to please their partner and stay in a couple, and they feel unhappy.
What did they lack initially, at the moment of rapprochement?
- They lacked a sense of their own worth, goodness, they lacked parental love.
“Let them get parental love
- They became little kids in the arms of their parents.
- How do they feel now?
- They are trying to connect mom and dad with their hands, fearing to lose them.
“Tell them that Mom and Dad will forever remain their parents, even if they live separately. And their marital relationship does not concern children
- Yes, she said.
What is happening with the children now?
- When children understand that they have nothing to do with the conflicts of their parents, their hands are unclenched, they relax.
“Let them grow up
- They grow up and go to meet each other again. Now they feel valued and loved, they can openly talk to each other about their desires. They are not afraid that if they say “no” to their partner, they will refuse them, because true intimacy implies accepting the refusal, the differences of the other.
What happens next?
- Couples hold hands, and each moves in its own direction. They no longer need threads to tie. They understand that when a partner is good in a pair, he will not go anywhere. And I understand that.
Repeat once again the phrase: "I allow myself to say" no "and feel calm at the same time
Sveta repeated the suggested phrase. - Now there is no discomfort, the body really accepts this permission. By saying no to another, we choose ourselves. It's okay and natural to choose yourself. But, it is easy to do this for a person who has self-respect, a deep sense of his own worth and significance. If it was not possible to obtain this in childhood, it is possible to get the missing value in the process of therapy.
Recommended:
Your Own Life Or A Relay Race From Your Childhood? The Right To Your Life Or How To Escape From The Captivity Of Other People's Scripts
Do we ourselves, as adults and successful people, make decisions on our own? Why do we sometimes catch ourselves thinking: "I am now speaking like my mother"? Or at some point, we understand that the son repeats the fate of his grandfather, and so, for some reason, it is established in the family … Life scenarios and parental prescriptions - what impact do they have on our destiny?
How To Feel, If You Don't Feel It - 3 Tips
What to do if you know that there are feelings, that they are beautiful and pleasant, but you do not feel them, do not understand what they are inside. You can tell a lot about them, but there is no filling inside, there is no feeling. You can, of course, conclude that I am not sensitive / not sensitive and go on living with it.
Stop Worrying About Your Own Worth
For many years - so long that he could hardly remember exactly how many - Iain owned a very successful pub in a small town in the heart of Ireland. Ian was well known there. He had a bunch of friends, many of whom he often saw when they came to his place for a drink or a snack, and he was quite happy.
Your Own Vest Or Feeling Sorry For Yourself: Is It Worth It Or Not?
Have you ever felt sincere regret for yourself? As a result of a really serious disaster in your life, some kind of unexpected trouble, or just at the end of an "unlucky" day? If so, what were you doing when you had this feeling?
Your Own Psychologist: 3 Easy Ways To Understand Yourself
We often face misunderstandings - ourselves, the people around us, situations. And it can be a very painful experience. How can you avoid injury, cope with difficult situations, understand yourself, others, and stay whole while maintaining your boundaries?
