Why Do People Complain

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Many people like to complain, and, as a rule, the most complaining are those who have the least reason to do so. What is it - a natural human need or a way to achieve what you want? When is it good to complain, and when is it better to pull yourself together? A married couple of psychologists Victoria Kailin and Laurent Bohm helped the Challenger figure out.

People complain about the weather and bad roads, bosses, colleagues and neighbors, toxic parents and ungrateful children, broken hopes and unfaithful partners. The only thing they rarely complain about is their own inability to take responsibility for their life and state. After all, in the end, our reaction to the world around us is only our responsibility.

Complaining is a way of expressing negative feelings: dissatisfaction, rejection of the situation or dissatisfaction with one's condition. This is a multifaceted process that can hide both deep-seated problems and dexterous manipulations. How to figure out why a person is constantly complaining, and what can be done about it?

What are the complaints and what is behind them

A person can think of a million different ways to complain about something to you. But all complaints can be conditionally divided into productive, non-constructive and destructive:

- in the first case, a person seeks to find a solution to the problem and get rid of anxiety, the complaint leads to a change in the situation;

- in the second case, complaints help relieve emotional stress, but do not change anything in a person's life;

- in the third case, the purpose of the complaint is manipulation and achieving the desired through attracting attention.

Complaints that help you find a solution to the problem

Complaints can be "vague" when everything is bad, but it is not clear what to do about it. They can be “stupid” or “cunning” - when an irrational reason lies on the surface that hides the essence of the problem. For example, an adult daughter may talk about a desire to be separated from her mother, but stubbornly continue to live with her in the same apartment. There are also psychosomatic manipulations: the wife suddenly becomes ill every time the husband is going on a business trip. And the reason is not at all in the state of health, but in jealousy and suspicion of treason.

The most common classic complaint is an expression of deep dissatisfaction, discomfort and fear for the future, when there are real reasons for this in a person's life. In this case, the complaint is a cry for help.

Laurent Bohm

life coach, historian, yachtsman from France

- We are looking for a solution to the problem through interaction with other people: specialists, comrades in misfortune, those who have already experienced a similar experience and came out of it as a winner. In this case, the complaint can be constructive, and thanks to this approach, recovery and renewal are born.

When I was a manager, I imposed a rule on my employees: you can only complain if you offer solutions to the problem. The number of people willing to whine has dropped dramatically, and those who really wanted change have united in a team capable of moving mountains.

Complaints that change nothing

There are other types of complaints as well. For example, suffering as an infantile way to attract attention. Falling into childhood, we cease to be an adult looking for a solution to a problem, and return to the state of a child who screams to get what we want from our parents. Complaint for the sake of complaint can express a passive attitude towards life - unwillingness to take responsibility, return to a state of helplessness, enjoyment of one's own insignificance. But more often it is still manipulation. At the same time, those who respond to such a trick are drawn into a cunning game. The complainer gets the satisfaction of being in the spotlight with little effort. And the empathic person gets a chance to please their own ego by demonstrating superiority and involvement in a problem that does not require a solution. And the wolves are fed, and the sheep are safe.

Complaining is often used as a way to get rid of negativity - it's impossible to keep everything to ourselves, so along with whining, we drive out suffering and disappointment, getting relief from just the opportunity to speak out. At the same time, it is important to understand that the complainer does not at all expect help from others and a solution to the problem. Sometimes just letting off steam is enough. Another thing is that sometimes it is necessary in order not to go crazy. For example, caring for a paralyzed person - it would seem that it is impossible to change the situation, so all that remains is to complain. But in fact, there is a solution: hire a nurse for an hour or ask a neighbor to look after your loved ones and go for a walk. Thus, you can replace the non-constructive complaint "how I got sick of everything!" to the constructive one: “as I got tired of everything - change me for an hour”.

Laurent Bohm

life coach, historian, yachtsman from France

- The French, by the way, love to complain and do it all the time: the gray Parisian sky, rain, a strike of drivers, the stupidity of politicians, the sluggishness of the bureaucratic machine - any pretext is good to complain about life. At the same time, no one expects constructive changes and does absolutely nothing to change the situation. A complaint is just a complaint. A way of emotional relief.

Complaints that only make it worse

But there are also toxic complainers - people for whom dissatisfaction with everything and everyone is the natural and only way of being. For some it is a rebellion against the injustice of the world around it, but for others it is a way of self-expression. These people constantly complain about something, sign petitions, start any conversation with indignation and relish the hopelessness of the situation that they themselves create. This vicious circle is destructive. Anyone who constantly complains without doing anything to improve the situation becomes toxic to others. Anyone who tries to cheer him up will be disappointed. After all, no matter what you do, this person is not initially set up to be positive. Nothing pleases him more than the confirmation of his own sad predictions, so any help will be depreciated, and any solution to the problem will be denied as unusable. Compassionate people may even develop an inferiority complex because no matter what they do, they will not be able to make the toxic person happy.

Some use the complaint as an aggression and a way to dominate. After all, by complaining you can get from another what you want. And if he refuses, you can always pretend to be a victim and play on guilt. It is the favorite weapon of toxic people. Don't be fooled by manipulation. This is a dangerous game that can drive sensitive compassionate people into a state of depression. Try to avoid negative people who are not ready for constructive dialogue. You can only help someone who really needs it.

What to do if someone constantly complains to you

Set boundaries. If you feel uncomfortable, painful, or uncomfortable, don't communicate. If there is no way to stop communicating, minimize it. If that doesn't work, limit your emotional involvement. The person whines, you listen and nod, remaining calm.

Don't rush to look for solutions. There is no need to save anyone. Perhaps it is important for a person to just speak out. Listen, sympathize, go your own way. If you need a practical solution, you will be advised.

Don't be a donor. No one will be able to use your resource if you do not allow it yourself. If a friend calls solely in order to drain the negativity, and your mother is always unhappy with everything and shakes your nerves every day, think about why these people behave this way. Perhaps they are driven by a genuine concern for you, or perhaps envy of your well-being. Depending on the reason, choose your reaction - from the polite "I sympathize, but I have no time" to the warm and empathic "Mom, you raised a smart daughter, don't worry."

How to stop complaining

If you tend to complain often, but are willing to change, a simple exercise will help you: try to learn to see the good everywhere. It is difficult, but possible. Ask yourself how you can benefit from this situation. After all, there is always a way out. You just need to learn to identify opportunities and act constructively.

Admit the problem - if you are complaining, then there really is a reason.

Try to understand what really bothers you. At the heart of every “tricky” complaint is emotion. Is it fear, anger or sadness?

What is the purpose of your complaint? What do you want from others: attention, love, real help, or just sympathy? Learn to express your needs in understandable language, and then others can help you.

Get a support team. Find people who are willing to support you without devaluing or overwhelming you. But be prepared to provide the same service. Positive energy must circulate, because it is impossible to constantly take without offering anything in return.

Approach the problem in a constructive way. Think about what you can realistically change in your situation. After all, it is foolish to hope for a different result without changing the algorithm of actions.

Happiness is about choice and day-to-day work. But remember that those around you are your mirror. They will give you back what you bring them. We want to meet cheerful and active people, we run away from those who whine and remain passive. Put in the effort and you will notice how life is changing for the better.