2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Usually people with bad boundaries are afraid of becoming dependent on someone / something (partner, specialist, organizations and communities). They find it difficult to distinguish between addiction to attachment, real closeness, due to traumatic experiences. In such a situation, even if you really want to trust someone, it is extremely difficult, scary, and there are no guidelines at all. In this article, I will describe the phenomena of the formation of dependent / healthy relationships in the context of the therapeutic space.
Any regular, ongoing relationship between the client and the therapist is based on the creation of a kind of client-therapeutic alliance, which, depending on the transference that the client forms, will be similar either to the relationship between a parent and a child or two adults. The transference is an unconscious thing and is formed by the client based on his own experience, which he brought into therapy, and which requires opening in a relationship with the therapist in order to be completed.
That is, some emerging connection between the two in the therapeutic space is part of the process that directly correlates with its effectiveness. At least some seedy alliance is not being formed - consider it rubbish. The counter-addicted client will be very intimidated by noticing that this connection is emerging and will seek to flee before it is too late and the addiction develops. Thus, depriving himself of the chance to observe himself in his fear, explore it with the therapist and get out of his traumatic labyrinth with a new experience, where he was not eaten by wild animals as soon as he opened himself.
However, dependence on a therapist develops according to completely different laws. If you really think that you are becoming addicted to your psychologist, pay attention to how you build your contact with him. If a psychologist constantly gives you tons of recognition, acceptance, praises and shows you only caring interest, you feel good with him, like your mother under the wing (it doesn't matter if you had a mother, and if she looks like a therapist) - most likely, he does not work with you, but forms a dependent relationship. You don't have to work, strain. You are given easy tasks that do not cause any discomfort, completing them you feel almost childish excitement, inspiration, your significance and uniqueness, and if that's all, you are simply emotionally stroked. For people with rejection traumas, this is very pleasant and valuable, and even, perhaps a little useful (you can warm up, get a feeling of being needed), but unfortunately, such an approach will surely form in a person with bad boundaries, having a traumatic experience, not a healthy attachment, namely an addiction that over time itself will require additional therapy. Needless to say, apart from harm, special benefit, such relationships, in general, do not bring. Even if the money is not big, you still consider it to be thrown away.
The hallmark of a healthy client-therapy relationship is good boundaries. When the therapist invites you to take responsibility for the results of your life, when he helps you notice the other side of the coin, restore balance, return to the position of an adult. These things are not so pleasant, but they help you to establish a connection with the real state of affairs in your life, and do not lead you into the sweet world of dreams, where you are 3 years old, your mother loves you and decides everything for you herself. This world does not exist in reality. If you are an adult, out of your deficits and traumas you look at life in a distorted way, somewhere narrowed. Childhood ended long ago and cannot be returned, but in order to get what you want in the present, you will have to admit it and move forward.
The therapist sometimes works as a mom, but in order to show you how you can become one for yourself. He supports you, but so that you yourself learn to walk. Yes, the load is given in the amount that you can withstand, but the load must be constant and increase over time. Such an approach will always require you to be involved and invest your own strength, but it is thanks to this that your result is truly yours and no one is able to take it away from you. You can only take for yourself what you put your strength into. Therefore, working with professionals makes you stronger and more independent, and not vice versa.
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