2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
I talked recently with two of my friends and, surprisingly, the topic of the ban on whining came up with both of them. It seems that simple and natural things are not easy for everyone: complain, share difficulties when you feel bad or worried about something.
Whining is a sign of trust.
Not a superficial "thank you, I'm fine" when in fact it is not. And when you can sincerely share your troubles, they happen to everyone. But as soon as you start talking in more detail about yourself, fear arises:
- You just do not think that I whine!
Because if I suddenly whine, then they can shut me up, call me names or even reject me.
What is whining and why are we now afraid of it?
The child whines when the mother ignores him and his important needs:
- Mom, well, Mom..
When she doesn't hear his requests, she doesn't read the signals.
Whining is an indirect form of expressing unpleasant experiences.
If it was forbidden to be upset, cry, complain - all that remained was to whine.
And if they suppressed anger, then grumble, grumble and grumble.
The child begins to be afraid to whine if in childhood his parents were ashamed and scolded for his natural manifestations. When he cried, fell, or was upset, having lost something. Forbidden to grieve, cry or complain. They did not name and did not share feelings.
But it helps to cope with any experience when it is accepted and shared:
- It really hurts and sad.
- It's really very hard.
- I understand how upset you are.
- I would also be so worried if this happened to me.
- How hard it is for you.
- My poor girl.
More often, the child, in response to his grief, hears:
- Don `t cry!
- Do not complain!
That is, the message: ignore your pain, needs, desires.
- Nothing is bad for you!
“And you’re not tired at all!
- And it doesn't hurt at all!
- And there is nothing to be afraid of.
Message: Deny all your feelings and signals, don't trust them.
- Don't distract me, I'm busy with important things, can't you see?
Message: you are not at all important, my affairs are much more important than you and your feelings.
- Be patient, be silent and do not make such a gloomy or unhappy look!
Message: not only digest your frustration in some incomprehensible way, but also pretend to be pleased so that we feel like good parents.
A friend shared her memories and feelings:
“When he himself does not seem to believe that he really needs help, support. As if you cannot ask for help, I don’t know how, I don’t have the right. I don’t deserve help.”
Because as a child, she heard in response to her sorrows and sorrows:
- Your pain is nothing compared to mine.
- How can you in general be bad in such conditions? Others do not have it! Aren't you ashamed?
- You cannot want the best, you cannot have needs different from others!
- How can you need something that others do not need, everyone is living fine anyway.
- You are strange, you are not like us, you are a freak.
- You must love what everyone loves. How hard it is with you, you are crazy."
Messages that children read from these words:
- You are a stranger, not ours, not as it should be.
- You are disgusting, leave already, looking at you sickening.
As a result, the child loses the ability to recognize signals from his body.
One girl fainted many times in transport, because she ignored the symptoms, that she was stuffy, hot, her eyes were getting dark, her legs were giving way, and she felt sick. And when she became more attentive to her body, she immediately began to take care of herself. Hot - take off his coat, stuffy - leave the room. And no more fainting.
They also learn to ignore their feelings on their own. To hide them from others, who sometimes do not even realize how difficult it is for them. And, of course, it is very difficult for such a person to consider himself valuable and worthy of love, care, attention.
So I solemnly declare:
- Moaning is sacred!
- Whining is pleasant and useful.
- Many people like to do it, they just don't admit it, it's not fashionable.
- Whine - you can!
- And even necessary.
Whining is as beneficial as crying, it helps to relieve tension, release negativity, calm down and start enjoying life again.
Those who were forbidden to cry subsequently unlearned and then can no longer, although they would like to. After all, tears help to express pain and grief, to get rid of them. But you can't cry by order, but it is easier to groan, you mumble under your breath.
Complaints help to gradually get to the pain inside. From such upbringing, many closed, sore foci of pain, surrounded by defenses, are formed inside. They do not let this pain into consciousness. And if you start whining, you will gradually reach them.
Of course, you shouldn't go too far. There is a certain line between complaining about life and whining all the time.
If only whining and doing nothing - this is the position of the Victim. She invariably evokes certain feelings in people around her. Those in whom the Tyrant responds will be angry. Those in whom the Rescuer is first to sympathize, and then to get angry too.
So, if they often get angry at you and say that you are just whining all the time, you should think about it.
But it is normal to seek support in difficult times, and then get back on your feet and solve your problems on your own.
So, if you want to whine, you should find a sympathetic person who is ready to listen.
And also think about what you can't cry, grieve, complain about?
Or to be angry with someone?
If such a person is not at hand, you can sympathize with yourself.
Listen to yourself, and then tell yourself:
“My dear, it’s not easy for you. I sympathize with you very much, my dear.
You are smart that you can handle it so well. But you can cry now or be angry if you want.
I'm with you. I'm near. I will always be with you."
It helps me.
Ananyeva Naomi Alexandrovna
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