What Is Codependency?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Codependents tend to show signs of low self-esteem, self-loathing, and deep feelings of guilt. Very often they have a suppressed feeling of anger, which can manifest itself in uncontrolled aggression. They are focused on the lives of other people, suppress their desires and emotions, do not pay attention to their psycho-emotional and physical state.

Codependent people are usually closed on their problems, they communicate little with the people around them. In Russian families it is not customary to “wash dirty linen in public”. Codependents often have no sexual relations or have problems in their intimate life, are withdrawn, constantly depressed, and sometimes commit suicide attempts.

Codependency is a way of life and thinking, a characteristic feature of the Russian mentality. A large number of chronic alcoholics, it is customary in families to live next to such people in a painful condition. There are several social models of codependent people (the so-called "Karpman Triangle"): the role of the "savior" - the role of the "victim" - the role of the "persecutor". Codependents are: People who are legally married or in a love relationship with a patient with alcoholism or drug addiction; Parents of alcoholics or drug addicts; Children whose parents are sick with chronic alcoholism or drug addiction; People who grew up in emotionally oppressive families; People who are addicted but are in a pre-morbid or post-morbid state.

Signs of codependency: people deny the problem, they have a distorted perception of the world, they engage in self-deception, they are characterized by illogical behavior. Addicted people, as a rule, have practically no social responsibility, a codependent person takes all the problems of another person upon himself. Women who are in a relationship with an addict have low self-esteem. They believe that a man will not love her just like that, it is necessary to surround the man with "care." In such couples, a man behaves like a capricious child and can afford anything - drink alcohol, not work, insult a woman, cheat on her. Symptoms in women Some women perceive their codependency - the ability to love and perceive a person as he is. In such a relationship, a woman is very much afraid to be left alone. She endures all the humiliation and insults, but cannot break this vicious circle of relationships. From codependent women you can often hear the phrase: "He does not need me." Codependency in a relationship between a man and a "loving" woman can last for years, but they do not bring happiness to anyone. A woman tries to extinguish any conflicts in the family. She is very much absorbed in caring for her man and feels like a "savior". Closely perceiving all his problems, she already loses the border between her "I" and his life, so often such women say absurd things "We drink", "We use heroin." Of course, the woman did not become an alcoholic or drug addict, just all her attention and interests are focused on a loved one. Codependent women cannot adequately receive praise or compliments. Having very low self-esteem, codependent people very often depend on the opinions and assessments of other people, they do not have their own personal opinion. In the minds and in the vocabulary of such people, the phrases "You must!", "I must!" Very often prevail. Low self-esteem manifests itself in the desire to help other people and thus, codependents feel significant, in demand, believe that their life has a certain meaning and purpose. The medical profession should not be confused with the desire to help sick people with codependency. In addition to work, doctors have their own life, which is in no way connected with their professional activities.

Alcoholism and drug addiction.

In order to cure a disease, it is necessary not only to treat physical and mental addiction to alcohol or drugs, but also to change the macro - and microsociety. Treatment of drug addiction syndrome is a big job of narcologists and psychologists. Changing the macrosociety is a social problem, and you have to be a very rich and influential parent in order to change the citizenship of your child and place him in a different environment, but with his own very strict laws. There remains the third fulcrum of the disease - this is the family of a drug addict or alcoholic who is sick with codependency. Parents of an alcoholic or drug addict have mistaken reactions to the signs and manifestations of their beloved child's illness. For the recovery of their son, parents need to change their views on the problem of family relationships, change themselves, their reaction to the problem.

Drug addiction and alcoholism are long-standing social problems of society. The beginning of these diseases must be sought in childhood, in the upbringing of a child. The family is a unified and stable system. A change in the behavior of one family member triggers a response and a change in the behavior of other members. Parents, husband or wife need to take responsibility for the illness of their loved one. They must admit their "codependency", and part of their guilt in drug addiction or alcoholism. Alcoholism will develop only in a family where a fertile ground for drunkenness has been created, and on the other hand, there are no effective methods to combat this disease. Codependency in relationships is well traced in families where the husband suffers from alcoholism. In a family where the husband is an alcoholic, the wife plays the three roles of "victim", "persecutor" and "savior." In such families, life flows monotonously, in a circle. When a husband comes home drunk, his wife makes him a scandal, with accusations, denunciations, a cruel and merciless scandal. A scandal that does not make any sense, because a person in alcoholic intoxication is not capable of dialogue, he generally does not understand well what is happening. After the end of the scandal, the wife carefully undresses her drunken husband, puts him to bed and covers him with a blanket. The next morning, the sober husband will listen to "morality" and swear to his wife that "this was the last time", "I will not drink any more," "I will be coded." His wife practically does not listen to him and does not believe.

In such families, there are no plans for the future, no common goals. A woman in the role of a victim brings her alcoholic husband to the doctor's office “Help. He drinks. There is no life with this vodka! " A codependent wife pursues her alcoholic husband, finds out what friends he drinks with, pours vodka into the sink, hides bottles from him. Such women "saviors" believe that the husband will disappear without them, get drunk completely and will roll under the fence. Alcoholics' wives do not think about their feelings, their whole life is aimed at controlling the behavior of their husbands. Codependents are filled with negative emotions. A woman is ready to endure all the humiliation of her husband, just not to be left alone. The fear of loneliness among codependents, the fear of being abandoned prevails over common sense. She does not live her full life, she has no joys, only “codependency” - duties and care for an alcoholic. The woman is so passionate about this process that she forgets not only about herself, but also about her children. In this fruitless struggle, codependents waste themselves, exhaust themselves physically, emotionally and energetically. Addiction is a disease, a rejection of one's life and one's desires. Codependents need the help of a psychotherapist. To recognize and overcome codependency means to do what you love, your health, professional and personal growth, your career, and love yourself. But, where is this fine line between the signs of codependency and caring for the closest person, how to distinguish this from true love? Only the person himself can answer this question, and a psychotherapist should help him in this.