Should I Live With My Husband “for The Sake Of The Children”?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Should I live with my husband “for the sake of the children”?

People often choose to remain in their destructive marital relationship "for the sake of the children." As a rule, this is how their parents lived, and their parents' parents. The lineage is that the family must be preserved for the sake of the children. Is it necessary?

When there is disrespect between the parents, "war" - this is perceived by the child as the norm. As he grows up, he transfers this familiar pattern into his relationships. His children are taught by his example. The negative scenario continues to exist and develop.

Practical example. The client's permission to publish has been received, the name has been changed. Lena is in long-term therapy, she is thirty years old, married, has a three-year-old son. Relations with her husband are difficult, Lena is used to feeling like a victim.

The girl left an "indelible mark" in Artyom's soul, he was looking for her all his life. True, during the search, he unsuccessfully married, divorced. Artem suggested that Lena meet and talk.

Lena, who is in chronic quarrels with her husband, melancholy and disappointment at first did not react to Artyom's interest. My husband’s favorite phrase was registered in my head: “You are nothing, nobody needs you”. Lena really felt like a worthless person from childhood, her husband's words confirmed a long-standing conviction. Lena grew up in a family where emotional and physical abuse was taken for granted. Father drank, brother was addicted to drugs. Therefore, Lena perceived her husband's addiction to drugs as the norm.

Lena yielded to Artyom's persistent attempts to meet. Communication with the young man "did not arouse any feelings in the girl." He turned out to be so "disgustingly positive" - he did not drink or smoke, had a stable job with a high income, looked at Lena with delight and tried to take care of her.

Despite the cold with which Lena communicated with Artem, he continued his courtship. He delved into her problems - workers and everyday ones, helped to solve them, gave flowers, gifts, listened to her words. He strove to do what Lena really loves.

Artem did not insist on physical intimacy. He said: “I understand you are married and you have a son. I am ready to take care of your son too. I will wait for you as long as necessary."

The contrast between her husband and Artyom was obvious. Lena could not help but notice. Also, during the therapy, her self-confidence increased significantly. Increasingly, she reacted to her husband's aggression calmly, and not with tears, as before. The husband perceived Lena's new behavior as indifference to him, offered to divorce. And Lena agreed. For the first time, she spent the night not at home, but in the arms of Artyom.

And the next day my son fell ill. Snot, slight fever, red throat are the symptoms of his illness. Lena felt guilty: “I'm a bad mother. He got sick because of me."

When Lena presented the image of her son's illness, it turned out that it was blistering herpes with red, inflamed skin around.

Lena herself had such herpes at the age of five, when her mother left for another city to see her parents. Lena remembered how her mother talked about her youthful love. What if she meets this man - her first love? After all, he lives in the same city with his grandparents. Little Lena did not understand that she was afraid of this meeting. But, her body understood. The body reacted with somatic herpes. Mom left alone, what if she doesn't come back, what if it turns out that little Lena is not important enough for her?

I invited Lena to imagine a possible development of events.

- What could have happened if my mother decided to change her life, to part with her husband, to create a new relationship with a man who loves and respects her?

The first reaction of a little girl is horror from the unknown, from a change in her usual life. Then, it turned out that little Lena has the experience of observing the life of a man and a woman who love each other. The family lives in peace, joy and respect. A new, happy mother as a model to follow, as permission to be happy herself. “How amazing it is to understand that if my mother created a happy family, I would be happy. My life would have turned out differently,”Lena said with surprise. “The fear that I felt when my drunken father beat my mother would disappear. I would not need to stand between them. I realized how important it is for a child to see good relations between spouses. My mother did not dare to divorce, to change her life. She explained that she was keeping the marriage for the sake of the children. But, for me, it would obviously be better if my parents lived separately. It is possible that my brother would not have become a drug addict."

Of course, the child is afraid of changes in the family, he is afraid of losing each of the parents. He is angry with adults because they cannot sort out their relationship. In a situation of divorce, "the earth leaves from under the feet of the child." He has many feelings, and they need to be expressed.

Lena allowed her imaginary son to "express all his feelings." The boy cried and beat his parents with his fists.

Then Lena took him in her arms and said: “You are my son. You're good. I'll never leave you. And I will always be your mom. And dad will always be your dad, even if we live with him in different houses. You can love your dad. No other man can replace him."

The boy relaxed, smiled, got off his mother's hands and went to play.

And Lena for the first time thought about the fact that choosing herself, her happy future, she is doing good not only for herself, but also for her child.

When the mother is happy, then the child is fine. By choosing ourselves, we show the child that it is POSSIBLE this way. Our behavior is a model for a child. And a happy mom is a permission for a child to be happy too.