How To Disenchant Nesmeyanu

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

“Stop changing children, start changing first,” I sometimes say to familiar parents, but they do not hear, and continue to correct their children to be “normal”.

This is probably because the most difficult thing is to change yourself. Well, if they really listen and try, it turns out almost magic.

Once upon a time there was a girl. She was very often upset for any reason and cried. Now her grade is bad, then the pigtail is unraveled, then the brother does not listen. The reasons for the upset were different, but the reaction was the same - tears. The girl began to cry and ran to her mother, and if her mother was far away, she called her on the phone and cried into the receiver.

Mom was kind and good. She loved her little girl very much. But she thought that the girl was already big and she needed to react differently to troubles, in an adult way.

"Just think, pigtail, so what?" - said my mother. “Bad grade? What did you do to make it good ?!”, and so on.

Since such situations were repeated every day, the mother began to get annoyed and scold the girl. “You whine again,” my mother said, “as much as possible! My strength is gone! Stop it soon! And the girl cried even harder. And my mother became angrier and angrier.

And then my mother thought that if the girl grows up and cries all the time, this is the wrong girl, she needs to be corrected. Something is wrong with the baby. We must make the right one out of it!

And she took her to a psychologist.

But after a while the girl began to cry again, and her mother again took her to a psychologist.

"You are already an adult and you shouldn't cry!" - Mom was angry. Kindness and love for her daughter were replaced by severity and anger in my mother's heart.

And the girl continued to cry.

Persistent girl, isn't she?

Once my mother could not stand it and came to the psychologist herself.

It’s just to speak out, because besides anger in my mother’s soul, there was also disappointment, and despair, and resentment, and anxiety, and incomprehension, and powerlessness. A lot of everything.

And she said:

- I so want my girl not to cry!

And my mother was asked a question:

- And how do you, mom, think, when a girl's pigtail unravels and she cries, what does she feel?

- She's upset. Feels chagrin.

- Have you been upset and upset as a child?

- Yes, sure.

- And what did you want at such moments?

- Hot chocolate and so that my mother hugs and regrets.

- What do you think, mom, what does your girl want when she cries and runs to you upset?

- Does she, too, want me to feel sorry for her and console? - Mom was surprised.

- Yes, may be.

- And how do you answer her in such cases?

- Don't cry, tired! I am very angry at such moments.

- Does your girl get what she wants?

- No.

- Is your wish for the girl not to cry fulfilled?

- No.

“You see, neither you nor your daughter get what you want and it looks like you both suffer from it. How can you do otherwise when your daughter is crying again?

- Caress her.

- Try it.

And mom came home and tried it.

And life in their family changed.

Although the girl was upset and again ran to her mother, she did not scold her daughter, but stroked and caressed her. Mom told her how many times she herself was upset in life and how she got out of such situations.

And the girl calmed down and smiled in response to her mother's caresses and stories.

And then my mother learned to ask the girl:

- Yes, it is very insulting and upsetting that this pigtail has unraveled, and I was upset with you, but how can we go on now?

And the girl was already laughing and saying:

- Don't be upset, mom. I’ll unweave the second one now, let the hairs walk with the wind. Today I give them permission!

And the tears in the house became less and less, and more and more love and understanding …

Have you noticed how good it is that the girl was persistent and did not refuse her desire to receive her mother's affection?

And how wonderful it is sometimes when parents stop changing their children to “normal” ones and begin to change something in their own BEHAVIOR. First.

Isn't it great?

Psychologist Svetlana Ripka

skype lana.psiheya

Viber, Whatsapp, Messenger +380970718651