Disenchant-mama

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Author: Julia Rubleva Source:

Attention, a large text about relationships with mothers.

Mothers have tremendous power over us, even if we are forty, even if they are already in the best of worlds, including this power is embodied in the form of phrases that act so strongly as if we are bewitched. These are phrases that your mom says to you on a regular basis, and from which you go crazy very quickly. You fall into helplessness, rage, guilt, or powerlessness. Crying sweat or yelling, not remembering yourself, into the phone. Feel like a failure, a worthless person, a worthless creature, a bad daughter, or a bad son for your mother.

Spells-phrases also work if you are doing everything possible for your mother, even if you love her very much and have almost realized everything about her.

What meanings can such spells carry? What can we hear in them?

For example: "you are nobody", "you will never manage to be a good child for me", "you are always to blame", "what you do is always not enough", "you have no right to be angry", "you must always take care of me "," We will all perish and you will perish "," they will surely betray you "," the world is dangerous, and you are powerless "," everything is better than you "," you are worthless "," you are omnipotent, save me "and td

As a rule, mothers do not realize, and we ourselves, as mothers, sometimes do not realize how much we can injure ourselves with repetitive spells and even lay some self-fulfilling programs.

"We should only be proud of you"

One of the most terrible, destructive and painful "spells", which, at first glance, seems to be smart, supportive and motivating.

"We should only be proud of you"

If you -

- clever and excellent student / excellent student;

- you are doing well with your career: a good position and a high salary;

- you are fine with your family: in any case, it is available and you are not going to get divorced;

- you are extremely competent in everything;

- you are beautiful and well-groomed, or not, but your loved ones are beautiful and well-groomed by your efforts;

- at your job, you work with the most difficult tasks, the most capricious clients, the most difficult projects and you do it perfectly;

- you never get tired, and go to bed only when you are very sick, and you are ashamed to be sick;

- you almost all the time feel shame, guilt and responsibility before everyone and for everything, do not distinguish between these states, are not able to take care of yourself or give yourself pleasure without guilt in front of others or loved ones;

- hard, burning out of shame, endure your own mistakes; take criticism hard and experience it for a long time;

- do not remember yourself as little; you always seem to be a very adult person;

- badly and rarely say "no" and do not really distinguish when it is unpleasant for you, endure for a long time and do not immediately leave;

- when talking with your parents, you boast about your successes, and they praise you, scold you or evaluate you in some other way;

- you rarely tell your loved ones, especially your parents, about failures, problems, illnesses, defeats, pain, and so on, as if this practically does not happen in your life;

- do not ask for help, do without the support of other people;

- never look funny or ridiculous, avoid stupid or playful situations, hesitate to fool around and do not tolerate it when they make fun of you.

If you have all this, and at the same time (a prerequisite!) You feel successful and in order, but you do not feel happy, then with a high degree of probability your parents broadcast exactly this spell to you: "we should only be proud of you."

Why did your parents broadcast exactly this to you, the question is now the twenty-fifth (he is sure to understand in the group about mom).

What is happening in your life and what is not happening, and what does such a spell threaten you with?

Usually, in the life of a person who has received such a message, life itself does not occur. Risks, aimless pastime, adventures, adventures, rash actions are avoided - and from here we cannot afford spontaneity, immediacy, restlessness, frivolity, rest, we are shackled, wooden, our back, head, shoulders, neck and stomach ache.

The child who received it translates such a message as we will not love you if you -

- you get sick and stop being functional, - you will not regularly give us reason to be proud in front of friends and neighbors;

- do not try to get a divorce - your marriage should only be happy;

- you will be fired. Remember, you cannot be fired, because such conscientious people are not fired;

- fail of any kind, from accident to robbery

Such a message also drags a tail of threats and obligations -

- we should only be proud of you, so we will not support you - support the weak; don't seek support;

- you are responsible not only for yourself, but also for us / for everyone (another "mom's spell")

- do not come to us with failures, we do not want to know anything about it. In the event that you dare to complain or simply say “we divorced”, you are either pointed out to some “fair circumstances” from which it appears that you are to blame; or a strange failure occurs in communication and it is as if they do not hear you, the parents become distracted, switch to another topic, do not give not only support, but any kind of feedback whatsoever.

I call the spell "we should only be proud of you" one of the most destructive, because every time a living life happens to the victim of this spell, she becomes ashamed. Living life consists of different things, not just good things, sometimes it smells bad, betrays, rejects and deceives, illnesses, disasters, bad days and even years happen, and the addressees of this spell do not even think to feel sorry for themselves: they want to fall through the ground that they have a pimple on their nose, divorce and fall into various puddles, just like a simple mortal Lucy Pupkina (she has her own spell, most often "you are worthless"). Such parents ask somewhat learnedly and indifferently, or, on the contrary, with hidden expectation, and we are silent and do not tell the truth even to ourselves.

Rebellion against such a spell usually occurs in the form of an incredible force of indignation, indignation, pain, bitterness and resentment, when we shout into the telephone receiver or in the face of our parents - "and you don't care how I'm doing !?" at the moment when we realize that for many months we have not talked about our dismissal, divorce, fears and troubles.

In fact, parents are usually interested in how we are really doing. But the fact is that such a spell is most often combined with "you are responsible for us too, since you are doing so well", or "there are no losers in our family." such a strong and successful from infancy, help, and they will need to be taught.

And in the second, they themselves usually experience such burning shame ("we are not good enough parents, since you feel bad") that it becomes clear that they themselves have never had such support and do not know how to give it to you.

"You should only rely on yourself / you alone are responsible for everything"

Consider the spell "You must rely only on yourself", and its subtype with a burden - "You alone are responsible for everything."

Sometimes women or men come to me for an appointment or a group, who are the center and backbone of the whole family. As a rule, the family is parental, although it often has its own family in addition. Such people, namely the parental family and parental home, can be called “family” and “home”, even if they have not lived with their parents for many years, can live in another city or even country, and have their own husband / wife and children.

Such a child has heard the following from childhood:

- no one is interested in what you feel there;

- do not invent, it is not;

- it's hard for everyone, are you special?

- you're already big, aren't you ashamed to cry?

- How can you do that to your mother? - (reaction to error, misconduct)

- make sure that he / she does not do this and does not behave that way (usually responsible for an alcoholic father, little brother-sister).

Such a child never receives the most important thing from his parents: consolation.

Consolation is a great thing, the recognition by us that the other person does not have the strength to cope on his own, this is generosity, mercy and love, coming from the very heart, requiring no action from the one being comforted. Stopping together, hand in hand, exactly at the point where the pain occurs, no rush, movement in the same rhythm, foot to foot, hugging and softly saying gentle. Swaying, lulling, and most importantly, being fully present with the one in pain. The one who is being consoled, at this moment, feels that they stopped next to him, took the hand, hugged, shook, whispered, sympathized. Realized how painful it was. They showed that they understood. They showed that with him, for him, together. It is most important.

A child who copes with everything himself does not know this refuge at all. Getting injured at different ages - from a broken knee to a divorce or dismissal - he does not go to people for consolation, but hides, because he needs to gather all his strength. You cry, show, ask, - they will punish. Turn away. They will make fun of. So there, in your corner, alone with the wall, the floral wallpaper, the carpet with deer, the back of the sofa, you need to stop the tears, strain something inside that hurts, hide it and not show it. Overcome. A person who does not know how and does not dare to rely on anyone, finds himself in total loneliness, even if he is surrounded by people. He makes two sad conclusions for life:

1) those around me who do not have the strength or who do not want to spend it on me;

2) I am the strongest here and I have to deal with everything myself.

In the life of such a grown boy or girl, there is overcoming, survival, responsibility, guilt, and many, many repression beyond consciousness of what they have never dealt with consciously.

Such people are unfamiliar with many things about themselves.

First of all, with its fragile, needy, vulnerable part. And then we get powerful strong women who do not care about the cold and snow, a partner prone to violence, and daunting tasks. They do not feel what their body is like, they easily cope with everything terrible and dangerous, take responsibility for other adults or older people nearby, and if they get sick, they feel wildly guilty.

We get powerful, super-functional, successful men who are manipulated, used, giving no support, no comfort, no joy, or understanding. And if such a man suddenly meets a supportive and inspiring woman, he will not know what to do next to her.

They are unfamiliar with their needs or find them insignificant. "I won't go to the toilet until I finish writing the article." "I will not choose a good, large potato for frying, because there is nothing to pamper myself, I will peel the small one", "I have to think about earning every second, but I do not need rest."

Such people may be unfamiliar with their emotions, block them, do not know how to name or prohibit living. For example, aggression is used not for defense, but for solving problems beyond the power of ordinary people. Such an important survival emotion as fear is ignored, not recognized. Pleasure causes guilt. Pleasure is shame.

They are usually unfamiliar with their addiction, vulnerability and need for people. Loneliness is safer, independence is the best friend, vulnerability is shameful. The need for someone or something is terrifying. They won't give, they won't understand and won't even hear. Such people never ask for anything. Sometimes, in despair, they demand or by crooked, roundabout ways they get their way. But to say bluntly - "I need what you have, give it, please, if you can" - for nothing and never.

The spell "You must rely only on yourself" sometimes parents, consciously or unconsciously, burden the spell "You alone are responsible for everything", and it is especially clever when "You are responsible for everything that happens to us." The last spell is unconsciously added to mothers who married their child during divorce or the death of their husband. It doesn't matter what gender the child is and how old he is: a four-year-old of both sexes can already feel how fragile his mother is, how she needs his comfort and how big and strong he is, and how it is impossible to cry. Crying, not coping and needing help is the prerogative of the mother.

And one more symptom of such a spell is that its owners do not forgive themselves any mistakes, because the one who must rely only on himself and at the same time alone is responsible for everything, like a sapper, has no right to make a mistake.

Of course, in the group, the origins of this spell are analyzed in detail. They are where the war was. In family history. In a group, it is important for us to learn to give comfort to someone who has never been comforted, but he learns to talk about the need for comfort, rely on other people's resources, get to know his fragile, needy, dependent and vulnerable part, learn to be his own best parent: who always has a handkerchief in his pocket that knows how to squat in front of the baby and wipe away bitter tears, saying words of consolation, admitting that you are small and should not be able to cope with everything.

"You are no good / you failed"

Mother's spells (and sometimes father's) "You failed", "You are no good at all", "You will not succeed" are usually accompanied by two styles of parenting behavior.

In the first case, the parents are great, brilliant and successful people who put a lot of work into themselves. They are often very able-bodied, sometimes respectable. They deserve undoubted respect, and, as a rule, the environment gives them this respect. At work, they are valued and feared, in their personal lives, as a rule, they have several marriages, they are authoritative, often authoritarian.

The children of such parents are always forced to either compete with them and lose, or always be in the shadows and not try to stick out.

How is the spell "you failed?" or "you are no good at all"?

Through direct statements and assessments - "I did not think that my son was such a loser." "Your father already had his own business at this age." "" In our family there were no idiots like you yet. Look at grandfather! he is ashamed of you! " "Did you come to me with your nonsense again?"

By ignoring any achievements. Methods of ignoring - from cold silence to condescending attitude. At one of the groups, a participant said that any achievement, and they were very serious for her, from receiving large grants for training to sports medals, was perceived by her mother with cheerful surprise in the style of “look, look, she, it turns out, she knows how ! I never would have thought! As the participant said, after that she had the feeling that she was making a sand cake, nothing more. There was no genuine respect in this mother's surprise. There were no questions about what was important to her and at what cost it was given to her, no admiration, no pride or joy for her daughter.

Often these parents are too narcissistic to understand how the other adult feels around them, especially if that person is their child.

Sometimes mothers and fathers compete openly with their children. But more often - unconsciously. There is a place for jealousy and envy, and the most important thing that happens is the devaluation of any efforts of their child.

The second type of such parents are severe failures, poorly aware of this. Such a person may have a fucking whole life down the drain, any relationship may fall apart, but in relation to his child, such a parent will always feel moral superiority.

One of the members of the group with the spell “you failed” for decades drove food for mom, gave money and a lot, and still had to listen to abuse, criticism and humiliating admonitions from her mother every time during her visit. She shrank from the fear of evaluation, from the fact that that "everything is wrong", and she just did not manage to become a good daughter for her mother.

There are two anti-venom here -

- in the first case, a good separation process is needed, awareness of oneself as a separate adult who has the right not only to mistakes, but also to a fate that is completely different from the fate of parents, no matter how successful and prosperous they are.

- in the second case, usually one question to oneself is enough "and who are the judges?" And then the mother, who has never built a happy family, quickly walks through the forest with her advice to her daughter, "You divorce him already." A mother who criticizes her daughter's new dresses and, at the same time, does not have an ounce of femininity in her appearance, loses her authority. A mother who accepts money from her businessman son and at the same time regularly notes that such money cannot be earned in an honest way, and “my father and I have never stolen” sometimes, for purely educational purposes, she is deprived of her allowance.

You see that in any case, you need a sufficient amount of aggression in order to get angry with your mother and call into question both the objectivity of her assessment, and the very right to evaluate. This is difficult to do on your own, since the mother's figure is scary and aggression towards her in children is taboo. One of the results of the group's work is the feeling of being an adult in relation to another adult - a mother or father. And from the perspective of an adult, such amazing things are visible that everything changes dramatically.

Why moms (and dads) are like that, why do they need to do this, what is actually behind such their assessments, depreciation, rivalry, what fears they overwhelm at the same time and how they cope with them, the group analyzes in working with family scenarios.

"Girl here I am"

I continue to acquaint you with the materials of the "Mom and My Relationship" group.

Today we will talk about one of the most insidious and harmful "spells" - "the girl here I am."

This usually happens in families where the mother is very feminine, beautiful, spoiled, arrogant, successful, brilliant, and loved or was loved by the father. She quite consciously perceives her daughter as a rival, even if she is only five years old.

Don't imagine the wicked stepmother from The Sleeping Beauty. Such a mother is not like her and is very caring and gentle with her daughter. Sometimes, however, she is irritable, cold and intolerant. It does not matter. The most important message a girl receives from such a mother is "I need you while you are useful to me."

The girl grows up to be very, as a rule, functional. She can literally everything, copes with any tasks, endures the lack of everyday comfort, may not have a personal life at all or have it with married men. Such girls can be

- unfeminine. To walk in almost masculine clothes, not to have feminine gestures, but to have masculine ones, to marry a soft and indecisive man, or not to have relationships with men at all, be ashamed and afraid of your own body and its desires, know little about your sexuality, wear your hair like in the ninth grade, even if she is 35 years old, take great care of the younger one or be in the shadow of the older brother; to take at the same time, as a rule, are mom's favorites;

- very feminine and successful, have an excellent taste and well versed in fashion, flirt with men, get married repeatedly, they usually make a stunning career, work with the most difficult clients, but always, forever, it is always useful for mom, always, as it were they serve her a little, the mother of such a girl does not hesitate to flirt with her boyfriends, divorce her from her husbands, especially if the husbands are beautiful and successful, criticize her for any reason and immediately charge her with more and more new tasks.

As a rule, such girls get married or enter into a long-term relationship with scary rabid daffodils, and serve both husband and mother in marriage, or associate with very successful married men, inspiring and nourishing them while his wife skims the cream in the form of his care. children, real estate and gifts.

The girls of such mothers always have the feeling that they are a little not real women, but only pretend and are accidentally called women. In fact, they are quite a solid work machine, workhorse, function and Cinderella - that's how they feel. Inside them, as a rule, a powerful lifeguard syndrome works, since, among other things, the mother in such a family also arrogates to herself the following rights:

- the right to be weak

- do not carry heavy and do not engage in heavy

- get sick

- to feel unwell

- to be changeable, inconsistent, in this case stability is required from the daughter

- to experience chronic financial difficulties, in connection with which the daughter has the honorable duty to provide mother's not only needs, but also whims;

- as a rule, such mothers do not work

- the daughters of such mothers do not get sick

The way out of this, as well as from all mother's spells, is through rebellion, aggression, awareness of oneself as a separate adult woman who has the right to everything that women have the right to.

You can learn a lot from such a mother, but she, as a rule, does not have the main thing - mercy, compassion, sincerity, depth. Therefore, a girl can "lick" all the techniques and techniques in the field of beauty and coquetry from her mother, or create her own, and add her soul, compassion, and pain there. This is how the attitude to your femininity as to something legitimately belonging to you comes back, is filled, is restored, despite the fact that the mother considers only herself a legitimate woman in the family, declaring her daughter's femininity as secondary and outlawed.

All of her men should be kept away from such mothers for the rest of her life.

"You are my only joy"

… Imagine - a military town in the Soviet Union, a young family, parents - still children themselves, not even 25. The husband is laconic, demanding, caring. The wife is from a big city, with a suitcase of dresses made by her mother. There is nowhere to go. In winter, it brings everything to hell. A girl is born. It is hard for a young mother, there is often no hot water, her husband is not at home almost always. He grows up in the service and starts drinking. Becomes more and more irritable. The girl is growing. When she turns three, she realizes that for her mother she is something very important. The most important thing in her, mother's, life.

… A family lives in a large industrial city - it is her first marriage and great love, he has a second, he is not young and somewhat tired. The girl turns ten years old, and both parents, alternately and secretly from each other, confess to her that if it were not for her, they would have divorced. She understands that she is something important for them, the most important thing in their life.

… In a small provincial town, the family lives poorly, poorly and poorly, the father drinks hard, beats everyone and holds them in his fist, the mother constantly runs around the neighbors, complaining about her husband and accepting various help. Two are growing up - brother and sister, the weather. Both grow up and both leave this city. My sister is a cut-off piece, she got married, does not communicate, does not invite to visit and does not come herself. A brother in a strange city rises to his feet, begins to make excellent money, send money home in huge chunks, a father dies from a binge, a mother comes to live with her son - he has his own family, but she explains to him that he is the most important thing for her in her life, more important there is nothing.

One of the most difficult scenarios with which we are working on the group "Mom and My Relationship" is the scenario "you are my only joy." He carries in himself the insidiousness of a role that is too significant for a child, a role for which he is not ready. And no adult person will ever truly be ready to fill the life of another person with meaning and joy, to nourish him with strength and resources, to be assigned joy, which means not to dare to demand, be dissatisfied, upset, fail, or suddenly get sick.

Nevertheless, at some point, each of these children of different ages was confronted by the parents with the fact: "you are my only joy." And then they repeated it many, many times, with great, indeed, love and tenderness.

Why is it bad for such children?

The fact that no matter what you are and no matter what life you live, you feel yourself all the time as your mother’s leg or, say, the tail. Sometimes they give you a break, but they are in contact with you almost all the time. You are my only joy, the tender beautiful mother repeats to her beloved little daughter, and the girl is very happy at first. How good it is to be mother's only joy!

The ten-year-old girl, who was told this in turn by her father and mother, is also very happy. She's important, she's an adult, she has some power, and now she's going to show them how to get divorced! She will forbid them to do this, since she is such a secret instrument of their marriage. The only joy and "what would we do without you." And "you are our only happiness and clever girl."

An adult son, a thirty-year-old man, will finally give his mother all the care and love that she was deprived of with her father. The wife is a little unhappy, but you can somehow come to an agreement with her. He is now the only joy and happiness of his mother, and defeated everyone in his path: he is the most important for her. She has no one else.

The ambush in this scenario is in the word "one". Of course, this honorary position is awarded to a child for a reason.

There are disappointed hopes - the husband / wife did not become joy, let it be you.

And the aggression, thus indirectly expressed in the family to the husband / wife - you did not manage to be my joy, and our son / daughter is doing better

But the most important thing, the most dreary and the most difficult thing is that such a parent does not know how to equip his life with some other meanings, other joy. The child is charged with making his life meaningful.

What do adults who grew up with this scenario get in their adult life?

- the feeling that "I am more of a daughter than a wife," "I am more of a son than a husband." Home is always where the parents are, not where you gave birth to your children. Hence, conflicts with spouses and well-meaning interference of elderly parents in the life of the family, as well as their rather noticeable presence in the families of their children. No one closes the family from this interference, where there should be boundaries and the distinction "this is mom and dad, and this is me and my wife" - a hole in the fence, where at best the curious and evaluating eyes of the older generation look, at worst - through this the hole is penetrated and settled.

- the feeling that "I have no right not to please." Such children are extremely caring, they are always in touch, for them the greatest reward is mother's or father's laughter and joy. Their gratitude. Their happiness, their health. And all this is fine, but the priorities are set in such a way that it does not even occur to you to take care of yourself, and of the rest of your loved ones too. Children are punished if they dare to upset their grandparents. The wife / husband is not brought into the house to the end - they are always strangers and in disputes they always choose the wrong side.

- a feeling of heaviness and deepest responsibility. It's hard to carry the flag "I'm mom's only joy" all the time. I want to be whatever, whatever. But then mom will be gone. It will be completely lost - she cannot live without her child. So, we need to please. Can't be upset. Nothing. Divorces, dismissals, failures are hidden, you can't give up and cry, and you can only complain so that you say - “they are all fools, and do not understand how smart you are. You can handle it, I know. " But in such a way that they embrace, regret, shake, console, is impossible. It's expensive for mom.

- guilt. It is a great tool for manipulation. It is impossible for such a child, 35 years old, to drink a cup of coffee in a cafe so as not to think - is his mother drinking delicious coffee? Does mom have cakes or waffle rolls? I sat down here, and she was deprived there. A cup of coffee for these grown-up children is always flavored with wine, like cinnamon, and in the same way every joy is sprinkled: from a seaside vacation to a new bag / laptop. As a result, mom is bought the same, or even better - to pay off the guilt, but this is only until the next cup of coffee.

- well, the most serious complication of this scenario is that such grown-up children do not recognize emotional abuse. Manipulation. I want to sleep or play, and mom needs to tell me how dad hurt her or how hard it is for her to live? I stop laughing, become serious, push aside the toys and listen (a lot of real cases with children of four or five years old). I don’t want to hug or kiss, but they hug and kiss me, and I cannot be pushed away - my mother will cry. These mothers don't swear. If she swears, she is tough and strong. This is from a different scenario. These mothers quietly but expressively suffer or cry. The most horrible punishment is to say to the child "when I die, who will love you?" As a result, such children live in such a way that they could not be reproached for anything, it does not work, and this is real Sisyphean labor - in the struggle for the throne of the victim, the mother always wins, and you sit again with your cake and coffee while she suffers, scoundrel …

The way out of this scenario is through rebellion, through refusal to fill my mother's life with meaning. Boundaries are set - "no, mom, I won't call you several times a day, it's inconvenient for me and I don't need it." Priorities are set: "If you say something nasty about my husband again, I will get up and leave." Needs are expressed: "I have a difficult time now and I myself need support." "Bad" emotions are legalized: "I am angry with you when you arrive without warning."

Painstaking, difficult work. In the scenario “nothing to complain about, I have a golden mom,” such participants are usually recruited at least half of the group. Any anger, irritation, powerlessness, even sometimes fury towards the mother is immediately accompanied by a cosmic feeling of guilt: she didn't want anything bad!

Nevertheless, there is a Russian proverb about such mothers "children are seized by age" - they do not give their lives by washing, so by rolling.

What do group members usually get?

The ability to build boundaries in relation to a close significant person - to a mother. It’s not easy to say “no” to your mom if you, as a small child, are still afraid of her anger or silence. The group learns to understand and track when you slip into the feeling of “I am small” and get out of it back into an adult, resource state.

Be aware of and distinguish her beliefs from hers. Understand where her beliefs come from. Feel your freedom from them and the right to form your own rules of life.

Build relationships with mom not from the perspective of a child, but from the perspective of an adult. Sometimes it does not work out as an adult with an adult - because the mother is not an adult. And he will never become an adult.

Sometimes the most bitter thing is to realize that there will never be other parents, another mother. Only this one. Accept this reality. Stop wasting energy hoping your mom will change. Therefore, stop blaming her inside yourself and being disappointed in her. This acceptance is the point in the previous phase of your relationship. After that, you can build others at whatever distance is convenient for you.

A lot of people get the end of the previous stage of the relationship with their mother instead of breaking up. A breakup is when it hurts, offensive, scary, when you have parted and do not talk, but inside yourself all the time you carry on a dialogue with your mother, proving something to her, accusing her or making excuses. Completion of this stage is when you react calmly and differently to many things. The transition to the relationship to oneself "I am an adult" is separation.

The group gives "permission" to feel not only love, pity, guilt for the mother, but also anger or even rage. The group helps to endure feelings previously unbearable. The group is helping to discover vast deposits of its own resources. We work a lot with guilt and shame, with self-esteem and a sense of our own worth.

The result is usually a mother who began to treat you with much more respect. You are much more respectful of yourself. Your relationship can now include intimacy - you have learned to regulate distance and are no longer afraid that in this intimacy you will be abused. Your relationship can be completely different. Sometimes the participants with good humor perceive in their mother what they previously feared and hated. You learn to recognize your mother's love in those things that were not for you before.

The Mom and My Relationship group laughs more, more often and louder than all my other groups. Both during classes and during breaks. I know why, and those participants who have already been, also know.

To look at our imperfect parents through the prism of adult resources means to admit that they are real parents like this and no other and will never be any different, and this is a kind of serious loss - the loss of hope of finding perfect mom and dad. This loss is experienced by many adults, it is bitter, but bearable. And already with new parents, found in reality, you can build new relationships in which there will be a place for love, anger, boundaries, and solicitude. There will only be unrealistic expectations.

The group's program includes the following three blocks:

In the first block, we work with mother's manipulations, with her influence, which can be expressed in the so-called “mother's spells”. These are verbalized (what you heard) or non-verbal (what you guessed about) messages that accompany you from early childhood. For many, this is the very first rebellion against mom. Most often, my mother does not know about him. Many, however, are happy to pronounce the anti-spell out loud to the stunned others.

In the same block, we talk a lot about grandmothers - after all, where did my mother come from? What was her family scenario? What exactly did you inherit from there? An incredible fun part that makes you look into your family history and learn a lot from there.

In the second block, we deal with three topics that make us adults:

- aggression. The ability to freely express aggression, anger and generally strong emotions, and the resulting ability to freely speak about their needs and set boundaries even for very significant people;

- sexuality. The ability to accept your body and feel sexually attractive;

- money. The ability to handle money correctly and calmly.

This is where the rebuilding of family scenarios takes place, forcing you to be in captivity up to this moment, unfavorable for you, destructive and limiting beliefs.

In the third block, we work with your actual needs - what is happening in your life now, and what can be done about it, relying on new skills and beliefs.

The group ends with a summary and the exercise "Mother's Chest", and in the chest you often find an amazing mother's inheritance, some of which you can accept, and some that you do not need - throw away.

A depressed, moaning and eternally unwell mother constantly lies on the couch, forbids her children to play near her, and in general - to smile, make noise and be happy in the house?

The sofa from the "mother's chest" can be thrown out into the trash, or you can drag it, sheathe it, turn it into a sofa, put it near an open window and sit comfortably on it with your feet, reading a book and drinking tea. The one who inherited this sofa had never gone to rest before, and managed not to notice her fatigue until she turned into an illness.

Mom’s terrible spell “you’re a prostitute, dressed up, slut” in the chest is transformed into terrible Soviet huge panties with fleece, which the mother always bought for her fragile beautiful daughter. My daughter grew up completely unaware of her femininity and what else you can do with your body, men and clothes, other than hide, hide and be ashamed. Going through the "inheritance" in her mother's chest, she can throw out these terrible panties, or she can put them on a rag to wipe the glass of her favorite car: even a tuft of wool from a black sheep.

In the chests at the end of the group, mother's ability to bake amazingly beautiful cakes, keep books on home economics and generally run a house, the ability to handle men and money, handed down to her daughter, and delicious pancakes in the morning that mother baked to her little son are revealed - all this can be taken away to inherit from the chest, and all this happens when anger, resentment and the desire to throw out the entire chest along with its contents pass.

Well, for adults, who the members of the group feel like in its finale, they need, rather, not a chest, but a suitcase with new adult things. There are lipsticks and beautiful lingerie for women, the ability to be healthy and serene, new bank cards and, in general, money, the ability to flirt and protect yourself and your children, and much more useful things. Men there have determination, responsibility, the ability to work with their hands like a father's and the ability to determine by touch if a child has a temperature.

The text was written based on the group "Mom and My Relationship"