I NEED

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

There is a condition that many people try to deny in themselves. This is a state of need. To need something is "bad" because it is associated with poverty and lack of something. There is a more beautiful synonym word - "need", but with a clarification: a need is a need that has taken a specific form in accordance with the individual characteristics of a person. But the essence is still the same. This is a lack of something, a feeling of one's own incompleteness.

And this can be very difficult to admit. To come to terms with our incompleteness, with the fact that in order to live in this world, we need to take a lot from it. That a person existing in complete isolation will not last long. That we are still dependent to one degree or another, and the question is not if we have addictions, but how many of them we have, how much they entangle us and give / prevent us from breathing and moving. We are addicted to air, food, sleep. We depend on other people, no matter how much counterdependency people play at self-sufficiency. Will not work.

The illusion of self-sufficiency and independence is bursting under the pressure of reality, in which there are no supermen, but there are vulnerable people reaching out to each other in search of warmth and support. But reaching out for someone? This is vulnerability, and the harsh laws of the world, where man is a wolf to man, say "do not believe", "do not be afraid", "do not ask!" If you open up, they will hit you. If you admit that you need something, you will humiliate yourself and be devoured. Therefore, it is better not to admit at all that you need something.

Someone denies their need for security, ignoring their fear - and, as a result, you go on about the fear, when "suddenly" you fall into a stupor, although "nothing foreshadowed trouble." And for someone, a shameful need is a thirst for recognition, and then the arrogant sounds "yes I won't participate in these rat races, this is the lot of those who want to assert themselves, but I don't need this anymore" … And then the extortion of recognition begins in the form clever remarks, endless criticism and many other small and large manipulations. After all, if you do not recognize your need, do not feel your need, it will not be less from this. You will simply satisfy your thirst furtively, stealthily looking around, and little by little, and not with pleasure, full of circles and openly …

You can also see young people who, in need of intimacy with women, show with all their looks that they do not care about these women. Show your interest, show that you are interested in a girl? What are you, horror-horror, you are a humiliated supplicant (and not a man showing natural interest). "Damn it, I'll pretend that women don't interest me." “Damn vulnerability, you can't do that - let them do everything themselves, and then that's good. After all, whoever first recognized the need is a weakling, and you seem to be out of business, just doing a favor. " Being alive is so difficult that consciousness comes up with a way to avoid admitting that you need something. "Let him call first!" "Let her invite me!" Let someone else take the first step and thus sign that he needs you more than you need him.

To refuse to admit one's own need for something means to die while alive, because only the dead do not need anything … To want a woman / man is normal and natural. It is normal and natural to be hungry for recognition. It is normal and natural to want a safe environment for yourself that will not persecute and will not assert itself on you.

It would seem: I write quite ordinary, banal things. But I constantly face the fact that many people were once forbidden to want something that any healthy person wants. "If you want a lot, you will get little"; “It's too early / shameful at your age to think about it”, “if you want to - will switch over” … And someone else read that “narcissism is bad”, and on this basis presses in the bud any of his needs and manifestations, which at least somehow they might look like this creepy thing. You can be a schizoid, even fashionable, but with narcissistic features - no, no, deny that you need recognition, only these vile daffodils want this … Is it fashionable to be sexy (whatever is meant by this)? Then in no case admit that you do not want sex - something is wrong with you. Play a sexual maniac, you must have such a need, hypertrophied to the point of obsession. Everyone wants…

Someone from the outside (parents, friends, authorities, traditions …) dictates what you can want and what you can't. Fortunately - or alas - needs cannot be banned. None. One can only be aware of them and choose whether to satisfy or not. And who said that ALL our needs must or can be met? The world is such that we still somehow remain non-self-sufficient, and few needs can be satisfied once and for all, and it is better to leave some desires somewhere locked up forever - but first recognize them. That which is not recognized, is not illuminated by consciousness, quietly does its job, and we can do little - after all, nothing is visible …

Yes, I need a warm word when my soul is cold. When I have failed in something, I really want someone to come up with words of support, I want someone to be there. And I myself want to support someone who is ready to accept my help with gratitude. Yes, I need to be grateful for what I am doing.

I need you colleagues. In your words of support when you can't work the way you want. In that they notice what happens. In your opinions and articles about what interests you. You are like a breeding ground in which you can grow, and torn off, one-on-one, I will not become self-sufficient - I will rather become “insufficient”.

You can enumerate for a long time what and whom I need … In the joy of my daughters when I return home in the evening, and in their questions, "Dad, are you going with us, right?" … In a warm conversation with my wife about anything … In calls friends who call just to find out how I am, and not with questions like “you’re a psychologist, tell me please”. I just want to be remembered … I need some positive about what is happening in Russia and the world - thank you, I have overfed the negative … I need rest, and I understand how often I ignored the body's signals that it was already tired and need to pause …

But please do not confuse "I need" with "I will not live." I will live because we are still not talking about oxygen, food or water … The soul can simply fall into suspended animation. She is so capricious - she wants something all the time. And the border between the need-healthy need and the need-black hole lies in the fact that a healthy need, if you pay attention to it, is satisfied for a while and ceases to be felt for a while, and a black hole is for that reason it is a black hole, that everything falls into it and hungry all the time. And then you behave like a hungry person. But that's a slightly different story.