2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
I will make a reservation right away, this time I will write about those adults whose childhood was spent under the slogan: “Grow up as soon as possible; when you are little, you are inconvenient for us."
Those who, from childhood, had no right to children's pranks and joys, to their feelings and deeds, to those who had to be educated and polite from the cradle.
Their parents were either too busy or perceived parenting as a heavy burden.
In general, the post is dedicated to early adult boys and girls.
It is clear that the child grows up gradually, and if he was forced to become an adult ahead of time, it means that he had to pay for it with something.
He paid by spending his children's resources not on development, but on adaptation, adjustment to the adult world.
He had to supplant a large number of his childhood experiences in a variety of unfinished situations of the past, in which he was alone and did not receive support.
He failed to use the potential opportunities that would allow him in due time to separate from his parents and grow up.
Such a person hardly understands his own feelings, but he is perfectly tuned to the feelings of others.
He has a hard time rejection of a significant other, is not able to appropriate his significance, expecting that it will be confirmed by other people, etc.
So, his childish part remains very vulnerable and at the same time awaiting deliverance from his suffering.
When such a person comes to therapy or begins to work on himself in another way, he is faced with the task of completing what was once not completed, experiencing feelings of childhood grief and loneliness, letting go of past grievances, i.e. to do what was not done in time.
In this process he deals with his cleavage;
He meets again with his inner little figures, vulnerable infantile Child and pseudo-adult part, demanding Tyrant.
And now he again demands rapid growth from himself;
now he himself cannot tolerate his "childish" feelings and "immature" reactions, and he is unhappy with growing up too "slow".
Such people compare themselves with others and may suffer from the fact that these others have already achieved something, healed, enlightened, but they have not yet.
The Inner Tyrant shames and blames again.
The person again feels bad and imperfect now in the course of therapy.
So he imperceptibly reproduces his trauma of premature maturation.
Meanwhile, his childish part actively resists new growing up, because she “remembers” the negative experience of such, and also at what cost it got.
In addition, the wounded children's part dreams of returning a loving parent, who was not there, for whom he terribly yearns, and this hope also prevents him from separating from him.
The more a person rushes to himself, not trusting himself, disregarding his own pace, the more the child's part resists.
In fact, the exact opposite is required to complete past experiences and truly grow up.
It is required to give and organize for oneself what was not enough for the separation to take place.
And there was not enough acceptance, sympathy and support.
Right now it is necessary to allow oneself to feel what is felt, to resolve the most “immature” reactions, whatever they may be, to recognize the right to our own process - in the rhythm and pace as it goes naturally.
This is what the child part needs to feel supported by a benevolent, truly grown-up figure, and as a result, trust and courage to go their own way will grow.
Let me give you an example
If a person is afraid to face the dislike of others, then the first thing to do is to acknowledge this fear.
Yes, I am afraid that someone does not love me
The second step will be legalization, confirmation of the right to feel:
Yes, it can be very scary when someone doesn't love you
The next step is to expand the angle of view:
“The world is different, one person doesn’t love you, while another person will certainly be interested in you
You also have such a right - to love someone, someone - not”
The appropriation of oneself - anyone - is absolutely necessary, only in this way can you regain your wholeness
And the most important element of healing is self-compassion and kindness.
… When the traumatic situation is over, it ceases to "bother".
No longer hurt by criticism or dislike.
The opposite is also true: while pain and resentment arise, therefore, the trauma has not yet been closed, and you need to continue working with it.
You also need to remember that your infantile program, which pulls back into the past, in search of the ideal parent.
Expectations from it "sound" something like this:
“You must definitely take care of me (husband, boss, state, it doesn't matter who), and if you do not, you will be guilty (I will find the best parents)."
It is clear that this is the position of the Victim, who waits, hesitating and unwilling to take care of himself on his own.
In this part, you will have to consistently destroy the illusion of the ideal parent, allow yourself to grieve about it,
and support yourself in self-care steps:
"You can ask for help, organize yourself support, you have the right to take care of yourself as you need it."
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