About Powerlessness. Take Off The Crown

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I began to like this topic. It is deep in living, complex. And resource.

How nice it is to be a lifeguard, or even a Savior. To be a psychotherapist for a friend, and even better to be a parent. Separate siblings, reconcile conflicts, smooth corners, help out colleagues … And after all, they often say about such "what a modest, decent, kind person!" But I know from myself - this is a person with great grandiose self-esteem, this is a person in the crown. "How not to help?" - like here about humanity and empathy. Oh, is it? And not about the crown? The Queen does not suit selfishness and weakness. She is powerful and can do a lot.

And then I was faced with horror. Three days before my father's death, I find out the cause - HIV, or rather AIDS. About which he had known in recent years and was silent! Because the archive contains information that it RECEIVED confirmation. And that means he walked and knew. And he made a choice. Without informing anyone! Not a single living soul knew. I was just choking with rage when I found out about it! How could he not say? Do not ask for advice? I would immediately tell him what to do. I am the queen, I would give orders, I would say which choice is correct. And in those days, already seeing the imprint of death on his face, I could only howl with powerlessness and tear my hair out of despair. Until I realized that I must ACCEPT my powerlessness. Powerlessness to change something in the fate of another person. Powerlessness to influence his choices and decisions. Powerlessness and humility. Accept reality and prepare for the funeral. But it is this hardest experience that makes it possible for me not to feel a ton of regret. Regret that she saw him sad and did not get the truth from him, that she did not make him want to live, did not find a way to keep him. Powerlessness knocks off the crown: he was not obliged to live for me, this is his choice in his life, this is his death, and only he decides when to meet her. And my job is to get over it.

The second time I came across this was when my mother was depressed and refused to take antidepressants. I honestly and conscientiously worked with her as a therapist, a friend, even a mother somewhere. I did my best, connecting all my acquaintances who could somehow participate in my mother’s fate. She slipped books and lectures to her, told a lot and proved herself. And fought against her will. And then she noticed fatigue. This is a cool moment - to understand what you turn on and what you turn back! Realized my limited involvement in her life. I saw her not as a small weak kitten, but as an adult woman making a choice. And she walked away. I am powerless to convince her. I can just listen sometimes, sympathize, tell about my feelings, well, I can also give a couple of useful numbers. And then, if there is her consent. Honestly, it was scary to step aside. It seemed that she could not cope without my care. Figurines! My crown rattled for a long time, falling off my wise head. Mom really turned out to be an adult woman, able to live her life and make decisions. And she even managed to cope with depression! I found people and support, vitamin B6 and a desire to cope. I am writing an article now, and she plays with my daughter, she shouts through laughter: "Granny, well, you're funny!" And I have respect and gratitude to my mother.

Here are miracles: when a person feels bad, he feels small and weak. By saving him, we support this self-image of him. Like, yes, you are helpless, let me save you. One has only to take off the crown, admit his limitations, powerlessness, and you see, the person will also somehow level up, remember how old he is. Of course, the experience of one's own powerlessness is also not a guarantee of the change of the other. It is also important to feel balance here - not everything in the world depends on me and my internal changes. But I contribute exactly 50% to relationships. It's a lot. It is important. It is also important to distinguish between help and support and - a great salvation.